Zeenat Changes Me

Zeenat Changes Me
Her wails and cries resonate through my being every day I live. She isn’t complaining of anything, I know, she only wants to scream out her existence in my world. She is proud to be a part of my world, she is proud to be a part of me, and so am I. She is as vibrant and alive within me as myself. She is a part of me, she has always been a part of me, ever since I took my first puff of breath.

I remain the only person able to see her. The point is not significant to me for I am the only one who is to ever be significant to her and she is the only one to be significant for me. Both of us exist for each other, and I guess this is the only point that is of any value in my world. I don’t have to convince anyone about her existence because she exists by virtue of my being: she exists because I exist and she is going to be with me every single day I live.

She is going to be better than Cinderella who had to try on a slipper of glass to prove her identity. She is to be a queen one day, I know. All the same, she will have to swim with all her strength and might while she is in the ocean of life. She will have to use whatever skills she acquires while she is in water. There are several shallow and deep patches of water spread all around, and she will have to swim through all of them whether she likes it or not. Her adventures are going to be quite like being in an ocean with stretches of deep and shallow water. Everyone has to swim through all deep and shallow parts of the ocean of life, there is no way out.

She has been in my world quite like a twinkling chandelier which has been a source of light for a long time in my dark, dull and serene life. It has been quite like  cool twilight after a long, hot and dry day. The contrast has certainly been quite refreshing and welcome. Twilight is destined to fade into a long, dark and cold night, I know.

I wonder if I’m going to appreciate the contrast or if I’m  going to grudge and grumble the brevity of my experience. I’m certainly  going to enjoy a change from piercing beams of sunlight when they are replaced by a cool night, at least for a while, but the very fact that the night is to be a long one is going to make it unwelcome. Monotony of all experiences, be what they may, is not welcome.

I want variety from my life. I want to see a new face in my looking-glass every morning. I want to dream a new dream every time I go to sleep: I want there to be  a fresh destination before me every time I look at a road-map supposed to delineate my itinerary through my day.  I want to reach a new destination every time I trudge out of my house.

Zeenat is the only vision I want to perceive in precisely the form I beheld in my  dreams when I went to sleep. She has been the most consistent agent of change behind all revolutions boiling in my world for a long time. I hope she does transform my world to an active, bright, and lively one.

I Hope For A Better Future

I Hope For A Better Future
I held her hand tightly in my hand.  Her tiny fingers dug into my palm, and I made sure I enjoyed every twitch I felt while I walked to the park. Our walk was not a long one, but it was long enough to propel some deep thoughts within me. Little did I know that they were going to push some deeper thoughts within me, and they were going to rumble up a storm within me. In a few months, her hand is going to grow beyond the grip of my palm, and although it is certainly going to be some time, but there is certainly going to be a day when she is going to feel a lot more comfortable when someone else holds her hand.



My grip is going to become redundant from that time. The other hand’s grip is going to be a lot stronger than mine, I know. She is going to require a stronger grip  and a more powerful hand than mine to wade through this world, I know. This is going to be when she is going to form a world of her own, and I shall not be a part of it. I wonder if I ought to look forward to that time or if I should enjoy whatever bliss I hold in my hand today. Her tiny fingers  dug deeper into my palm, and I clutched the piece of heaven in my hands a bit tighter.



If I pause to look back at my yesterday, I see a lot of conflict and tension encapsulated behind the bliss I experience today. I’m not sure if the bliss I experience today is in any way proportional to whatever I went through. I don’t think I should expect any congruency between the two polarities, but when one has been through a lot of adverse situations in life, it is quite normal to expect at least a bit of positivity from life. Most of us are often compensated for our negative experiences in a positive manner, but the point remains that none of us are happy with the amount of positivity one gets in return for whatever amount of negativity one has experienced. There is always a sense of being cheated by life.



Life never gives back in the same ratio as it takes. This is a theorem all of us have to understand and absorb to its very roots like the Pythagoras Theorem. Whatever joy and happiness I experience today by virtue of Zeenat being with me is not proportionate to any amount of whatever I have been through. It is never going to be. Nothing can ever be.



Whatever is lost is gone and lost forever. Whatever bliss and happiness life gives us is always evanescent. Whatever bliss and happiness I experience while I hold Zeenat’s hand today is going to fade into the ether as soon as the incumbent moment moves away. It is certainly going to be replaced with a different joy and ecstasy, but the typical flavour held within these moments is going to be lost in the mist of time never to be found in the same form again.



There is to be a haze all around me for a long time to come. The mist shall guard me against whatever adversities time has in store for me. It will make many more moments a lot more bearable for me. I hope they really are a bit better.

We Discover Each Other

We Discover Each Other
I inched closer to her to peer closer into her eyes; she moved back, as if to conceal all secrets they held within, but this was a lock I was bent on unlocking. This was an ocean full of marine secrets she had uncovered over the past few years. Life had not been easy for her, and she was looking forward to a new phase in her life that was supposed to be a bit easier. Nothing is easy, she knew. Her secrets were only to be spelt out in a different language now. The code is to be a secret she isn’t prepared to reveal to anyone but me.



She was dying to reveal them to someone, and I considered myself lucky when I realised it was before me they were destined to be spelt out. There were several secrets in my heart dying to roll out of my being, while there were several others floating in her eyes I wanted to dive into. I am still not sure whether she ought to consider herself luckier than me or did the converse theorem hold more congruence because both of us were dying to unfurl our secrets before someone. They were screaming at the top of their voices. Their shrill was quite  like a baby’s who is left uncovered in a shivering cold morning. We were the only ones who were able to comprehend the code encrypted within their cries. I am still not sure if her secrets were shrieking at a higher pitch or if mine screamed at a higher decibel.



It was really irrelevant. The important point at that moment was that the babies were to be comforted. Both of us should comprehend the language in which each other’s secrets yelled out. She held her share of secrets at the bottom of a deep ocean, I knew. She was willing to let me dive deep and deeper still every day. I wanted to dive into the ocean that was deeper than any other ocean I had ever been before. I wanted to be drowned beneath all layers of secrets she concealed within.



For a moment, I paused to wonder if she wanted me to take the initiative in what seemed to be a miniscule effort required to unfurl her secrets or did she want to do it herself. Till now, it had seemed to be  a herculean task before me, but it didn’t seem to be very difficult now when we were together. Like all ordeals that were to be before us from now on, we were to dive into an ocean together before we make new discoveries. It was going to be irrelevant who took the initiative to dive in first. Both of us were to be drowned in a deep ocean of secrets.



There is someone special meant for everyone who has the key to read all  encrypted secrets. Someone knows all the secrets required to decipher all ciphers. These ciphers can be unravelled only through the special person, and she was the one who held all codes required to unravel all secrets buried within me. I am glad I found her.

A New-Moon

A New-Moon
Whenever sorrow and silence have reached a zenith within me, whenever they have rushed to embrace me with their arms open, whenever they have touched me with a sorrowful sense of peace, I have seen Zeenat coming to me, and leading me into a world beyond all contemporary misery, agony and anguish. I have seen her image in a full-moon shining in the sky every few days. I never held her in my arms, although it always stood only a few feet away from me.



I have always wanted to touch the beautiful imagery while it stood before my disturbed sight, but my hands always met a mist whenever I extended them. Eventually, I realised it was a phantom I had always sought. She had occupied dominions of my sleep till now, but with a sunrise round the corner, with the bitter waters of her captivity receding, Zeenat is to creep tip-toe softly into my world.



Zeenat has always been a part of a bright and fair moon in the sky above me, she has been present in each and every beam of moonlight that fell on the ground before me every night since I stopped dreaming. I couldn’t find her in the opacity of the night the beams of moonlight covered; it was too black and dark: Zeenat is of a brighter hue. There was a slight awry distribution of sunlight at twilight that preceded sunset; Zeenat has certainly been a huge relief from the glaring sun that was a part of the day that preceded night.



The problem is Zeenat is visible to me only in the night. I shall have to wait for quite a long time before it is night in my world. Even then, I shall have to trek a long way through the night, explore all  it had to offer to me before I finally get to see a full-moon. It is to be  a long, dark and cold night, I know. I guess I should enjoy whatever little the night has to offer in itself while I move towards Zeenat. There is a lot to be discovered, and a lot more to be found while the peaceful aura of the night is explored. All my nocturnal adventures are to take a long time, I know.



A full-moon has been presented before me in the form of a reward, while everyone else looks at it as an ordinary sight. I am in a better position to appreciate all mysteries of darkness and light presented by a contrast between day and night. The moon is certainly a sight I had been yearning to look at for a long time, but the very fact that its sight had been unreasonably delayed has made it quite like a picture I have been looking at for a long time. It doesn’t evoke a sense of novelty and freshness it should in the normal course of events.



The moon is certainly a novelty for me, and so is its bright and clear surface. I shall eventually get used to looking at it, but I shall never get tired of it. I look at a new-moon every few days very carefully.

I’m Found Again And Again

I’m Found Again And Again
I wish there was a way possible to make myself disappear completely and never be found again. A problem with a disappearing act is that I can’t help being found again and again. Someone seems to be smart enough to find me every time I try to disappear, and like acne and pimples that every fair lady tries to get rid of, I make a formal reappearance from time to time. I simply can’t help it.



I want to disappear completely and permanently because there are many facets of life I don’t appreciate of. This is going to be an escapist’s view of life, I don’t want to run away from my problems, but somehow, I lack the arsenal required to fight the world on my own. I badly wish I had only a tiny bit of it with me, but somehow, I missed the last bus to the depot where it is distributed.



I wish I could rewind my life and stand in the first position in the queue this time. Being first in the queue is going to make it easier for me to be found, I know, I don’t want to be found, at least as easily as my prime position in the queue is going to make it, but at least I shall have all it is going to be required to fight the world. Moreover, I want to see the world from a different angle now. I wish the entire adventure would take a new shape and look for me.



The point is the queue is never going to be formed ever  again, I know. Even if it is formed again, it is going to lose the potency it has now. Several elements are to be added and deducted from it in the due course of time, and they shall certainly change all its values. Its incumbent values are going to be lost in the mist of time, and there shall be no point in standing in the same queue again. Since I can’t do anything to counter the vagaries of time,  I have to do my best to harness everything the queue can give me.



Standing in a queue has certainly taught me the values of patience and discipline. These and several other values of time that would never have found an honourable place within me had I not known what it is like to stand in a queue. A lot of strength and endurance is going to be required for the effort too, I know. The importance of being able to  stand on one’s feet for a long time requires one to be in good health too.



The queue has been a long one, it has been elongated beyond all levels, and standing in it has been beyond of my comfort, but I can never do anything about it. Standing here for a long time has brought me before extreme sun and rain. A consistent exposure to these and many more vagaries of nature has made me quite rough and tough. With time, I have conditioned myself to bear all these negativities of life.



My long itinerary and my prolonged affinity with the queue has pronounced its merits and potentials too. It has kept me away from several diversions and digressions that my peers and contemporaries have had to take. They haven’t been very comfortable for anyone, but in a small way, I’m grateful I wasn’t pushed on them. My path has been  customised to suit my exigencies, and I’m grateful for it.

While In Heaven

While In Heaven
Her very presence was stronger than the catharsis I would have experienced had I beheld all wonders of the world at the same time. It propelled me through all levels of paradise there shall be. Her presence made the world before me the most beautiful place I had ever known. Without knowing it, I had shifted to a point quite close to paradise.  I began to wonder if the paradise promised to loyal and obedient servants of Allah is going to be better than where I was while she was with me. I don’t think anything can be better than where I was at the moment.



Without knowing it, I escaped from all my contemporary problems in her presence. All boundaries of my past experiences dissolved while she was before me. For me, she was like a hole in a wall; sunshine blazed in the world on the other side of the wall. I had been peeping through the hole with a  lot of hopes lit up within me for a long time; I was on the verge of leaping into the brightly lit world on the other side of the wall. This wasn’t the first time the dilemma was before me.  All the same, those few moments in her company were filled with ten times the bliss one experiences while basking in the sun on a frosty winter morning, albeit its evanescent nature.



It is quite surprising, but all of us want it to be a bit longer than the time it is with us.  Sunlight, along with its warmth and all the happiness it brings with itself, can never be with anyone for a longer time than it is destined to be. No one can ever have an idea of the exact duration while it is going to be pleasant and warm. After a certain point of time, it is going to be unpleasantly warm, I know. It is going to be replaced by a seemingly infinite lengths of a warm and dry day. The day is always quite a long one, although its precise duration varies with region.



There are places where length of day and night are equal all around the year, but these places have their own flip sides. Only those who live in these places can understand what it is like to have a monotonous menu served on their platter every meal-time each and every day of their lives. They yearn for the variety delivered at other places, while those who live in places with a huge amount of variety consider those living in places with equal length of day and night lucky. While with her, I found myself in a place where day and night alternated with each other with an equal frequency and yet the combination rang some of the sweetest cymbals I’d had ever heard.



Her presence was what made me appreciate the  beauty of  ordinary life that presents a diverse variety to everyone, and yet preserves its monotonous nature for so many of us. I hope she remains with me for a long time and doesn’t disappear like so many other blessings bestowed upon me.