The Irrelevant Verdict

The Irrelevant Verdict

I did my best to evaluate at least some of the dreams lurking in her subconscious mind even as she sat on a chair at some distance. Neither of us were in a position to utter the final verdict there and then. The important point was that the verdict we    were to give was irrelevant. The decision had already been taken, the meeting was merely a formality.

There was a confused sense of triumph in me. I had been through so many troughs that I wasn’t expecting anything good, particularly at that point of time. There was an instinctive resistance to novelty as she entered the room, but I couldn’t help jumping with joy at the sight before me. There was a strong rush of blood in my veins.

Considering my inability to do many things my peers can, I was prepared to welcome a stark contrast to the subtle elegance that walked into the room. I was forced to mitigate the charm less picture I bore in my mind with some frivolous strokes of the brush.

The first thought that  crossed my mind was that I may not be able to fulfill all the dreams in her mind, although they were to be the most important part of my life soon. Rather, I find myself unable to work for the  fulfillment of any of her dreams. I wonder if she was aware of all that was involved in the bargain.

I drew back with a shiver from the pleasant paths through which my thoughts had been straying. I prepared to set my feet once more in the fields of celibacy, but there was no going back now. Life with me was certainly not going to be easy for her. She was good enough to ride in a Mercedes instead of trudging on foot which life with me was going to entail. But then pedestrians often enjoy the diversion of a shortcut denied to those on wheels. She may discover as much bliss and happiness in my company.

For a moment, her form and figure did flash a light down the years of my existence. I had moved on to an uncomfortable age, and yet I was beholding youth and beauty in the purest form. It is a long time since my peers and contemporaries moved on to the next level, while I have been staring at the monotonous picture of life for quite some time. I  was aware of a vague sense of failure, of an inner isolation deeper than the loneliness within me.

Life at the next level is to be like being introduced to the use of a typewriter. It does take a while in getting used to the novelty, but once one gets used to it, it is not going to be very difficult. But it isn’t going to be easy either. There were two beings in me at that moment, one drawing deep breaths of freedom and exhilaration, and the other gasping for  fresh air in a little dark prison of fears. The horizon above the captive was going to expand gradually, the air was to grow stronger and the spirit was to be free for flight. For the present, I had to get use to the novelty before me.

She was to  face the challenge of confronting a crisp, cold and hard existence which life with me was to put up before her. But I could see a rejuvenated glow on her face as she became conscious of the blush on her cheeks as she held her hand out for a glass of water. The future did appear to be bright, and all my apprehensions were swept under the carpet aboard the buoyant current of her mood.

The Forbidden Mountain

The Forbidden Mountain

The spark of youth had died down in me a long time ago; the taste of life was now quite stale on my lips. Till a few days ago, I hardly know what I wanted from life, or why failure to get it blocked the light from the sky above me. All the same, there was a crimson glow in the sky following the sunset that day. She leaned on me for a moment. I could feel her heart pounding with the thrill and ecstasy she had discovered in the past few hours.

She let her hand lie in mine as a parting favour smiling adorably at me. It made me feel vaguely embarrassed considering the presence of a dozen relatives in the room. It certainly wasn’t the ideal place for such sentimental musings, but we didn’t have a choice. The centripetal force that pulled her towards her parents only a few hours ago had been replaced by an intimate attraction towards me now.

Something throbbed between us now. We were smiling at each other like two naughty children who have climbed up a forbidden mountain atop which they discover a new world. The real world was at our feet now; it was gradually fading into ignominy. The real world would be before us as and when the novelty of our experience fades rubs itself off, we knew. It is a bad bad world out there, but we hoped to make the most of the ecstasy we had discovered in each other’s company the day before.

We were practically lost in the wild maze of inarticulate happiness we had discovered in the past few hours. We did spend some time in extracting some sentimental comforts from the  wedding-presents we unpacked. All the same, the exquisite experiences of the past few hours trembled in our veins like the Rajdhani Express; every drop of our blood extended an invitation to happiness. It was like discovering a novelty again and again.

The fact is there had been a stiff opposition to our alliance quite similar to what is seen in Hindi movies. Even though we have waded into the 21^st century, differences of caste and class continue to divide the Indian society. These divisions have certainly made life a bit easy for most of us, but for those in love, these differences have made life quite tough.

A solitude had been tacitly created for her in the crowded world. She was from an upper-caste family. It was a golden cage in which she sat huddled. It was like being in a water-tight bottle. She could clearly see birds flying freely in the world outside. She did feel a bit jealous.

The opposition to our union gathered momentum when my unemployed status came before her parents. They couldn’t trust their daughter’s happiness to me. I respected their mistrust; moreover, there was also a great difference in our ages that threatened to push our relationship to a nadir everyday. It was a love-story punctuated by innumerable commas, semi-colons and dashes. We didn’t want it to have a full-stop too.

We had to take some tough decisions. Such decisions are never easy when you are in love. You are torn between the values of the society you are brought up in and your love. The ideals, norms and values of the society seem to ask for their share in the deal to let you live happily in it.

The forbidden mountain is the only place where there are no divisions of cast and no questions of age and employment are asked. This is where happiness and laughter reign without being challenge. Let us see how long they rule the world on the forbidden mountain.

The day did end more favourably than it had begun.

When Day And Night Meet

When Day And Night Meet

          The light of the day had fled. I welcomed the twilight with open-arms as I stood by the window. I felt like someone who welcomes the end of a movie after the climax. There was a typical warmth of the sun that lingered for quite some time after the sunset in October. It was like retaining the values of a shot of a movie that has gone by even as a new one replaces the existing one.

She was sitting up straight after a hectic day. She had been introduced to a lot of new faces through the day. She was happy, though she wasn’t sure if she could have been happier. The truth is she didn’t have much of a choice.

She was symbolic of the Indian school of feminity or of Indian woman herself. She had accepted her fate. We were unlike each other, and yet the bond of marriage had brought us together. She seemed to be completely devoted to me, but I wasn’t sure if I can get over the last episode of my life anytime soon.

I’d almost run away with her. Societal dissonance and parental opposition to out union had reached a zenith when we finally decided to part ways. It was raining cats and dogs when we met for the last time. I held her hand quite tightly. This was the last time I was holding her hand, I knew. It     sent a typical thrill down my spine, something quite like the first time I held her hand.

The ecstasy negated all differences of religion and community typical to Indian society. She had a touch of rusticity in her manners that made her all the more attractive and yet widened the gorge between us.

I didn’t want to leave her hand, there seemed to be a gel that held the two of us together. I liked the utter simplicity she presented herself in. a slight blush came over her face as she got up; a sigh escaped her lips. She realized the mistake she had made, but one doesn’t weigh pros and cons when falling in love.

The torrent of rain nullified the humidity that preceded it. The weather got quite cool and pleasant when we finally decided to forego all affiliations. We didn’t have much of a choice. The Western society doesn’t frown down upon a relationship between an employer and an employee. The Indian society does.

The warmth of the sun faded away under the influence of the cool night after a while. I thought of the young lady sitting on the bed. She was to be with me through the cool night and the scorching heat of the sun. She was now a part of the most prominent shot before me. I decided to let go of the past for her sake. A cool night replaced the warm day.

With A Single Puff Of Breath

With A Single Puff Of Breath

Everything about and around the shamiyana appeared to be at ease, reciprocating the cool and pleasant weather of October; everything, except me. There was a slight trembling of the lips, and a sigh escaped the lips so softly that no one but me could hear it.

She was a fairy in a fairy-tale that was yet to begin. Her animated face spoke louder than the silence that surrounded it; it fostered in both of us an artificial indifference to the sequence of events that had occurred recently in our lives. But the indifference was to be temporary, I know. It offered a neutral period to muster strength to bear the wear and tear that time was to effect as it flows on.

I could see a nervous blush on her face as she moved out of the cool shade of celibacy into the scorching heat of marital life. She looked great in the traditional bridal attire, and yet she was not the goddess I was to worship. The warmth of her presence in the shamiyana was more comfortable than the warmth of the sun on a tingling winter day. There was a distracting wish in me to be near her, but her blood red bangles reminded me that someone else held the right now. A storm raged on  within me even as I witnessed the end of yet another infatuation.

Life was opening a new chapter for her. The nikah was to be conducted in a few hours, and the contract was going to complete the caesarean section initiated by my unemployment. She was to move on to the next level of her life, while I was to be left standing where I was. I salute her for the exemplary principles she had. She had managed to blow out all candles symbolizing youthful attractions on the cake of her youth with a single puff of breath. Somehow she knew the candles were never to be lighted again. All the same, she was to shed a lot of tears in a couple of hours. I wonder if she was going to think of me. It wasn’t going to be easy for her too, I know. It was going to be quite dark for a change, and for a change, it was going to be quite good. The darkness was going to make his form all the more attractive for her. Here was someone who had conquered the sway of time in his favour. I wasn’t sure if I should fan the jealousy I felt or not.

She could see  me quite clearly while the candles burnt. We were neighbours, and we were in love. Social and economic differences highlighted by her parents reigned supreme over all other considerations. I didn’t fit the bill prepared by her parents in any manner considering my unemployed status. My attempts to convince her parents of the merits of my educational-qualifications didn’t bear fruit. We did consider the option of running away from home, but financial constraints imposed by my unemployed status negated the option. The contention assumed such huge proportions that falling in love while being unemployed appears to be a sin.

The truth is that I’ve been unemployed for quite some time. Fate and destiny have a lot to say in these matters, and my destiny said I am to remain unemployed. I consider my peers who find employment at the outset of their careers quite lucky. I’ve only been unlucky in this quarter. My fate has something else in store for me, something much better.

The storm within me began to ebb as I too blew out the lantern that epitomized our love with a single puff of breath, and moved out of the shamiyana into the open.