Waiting For The Appointed Time

Waiting For The Appointed Time
There seems to be a severe dearth of happiness in my life at present. This may be a false image of myself I have had in my mind for a long time based on my experiences with life. Everyone else seems to be quite happy and content, and it seems to be only me who has not been able to get any amount of happiness in my life. I wonder how much truth there is in this belief. The grass is always greener on the other side of the wall, it is said. Everyone has one or the other problem in his or her life and it is the expertise with which they manage to conceal everything that determines how the world looks at them. I look at everyone as happy and content because everyone manages to conceal one’s gloom. It is a cover-up of all things dark and gloomy in life with a green carpet that makes up the secret of success in life.

The conflict boils down to the acting skills one has in oneself. Those who are adept in acting are the ones who rule the world. They are the ones who put up a positive picture of themselves whatever may be their inner self. The world salutes only the rising sun; no one ever bothers to look at the setting sun, although both are an important part of life. This way, it is important to create an outlook that promises a positive trend to life. Regardless of what lies beneath a veneer of smiles, the smile on one’s face is the most important part of one’s personality. At the end of the day, it is going to go a long way in determining how the world unfolds itself. A smile on one’s face is going to foster a positive reaction of the world  to whatever stimuli it gets, while even a hint of a few tears is sure to drive away a lot of whatever positive reaction one expected. It is  very important to put up a smile on the face even if one isn’t happy. Of course, this points  to the skills in acting one has.

While the acting skills one has are the major determinants of alleged happiness and satisfaction in life, at the same time, a large quantity of it also banks on one’s fate and destiny. Fate and destiny rule superior over all the efforts one makes in one’s life. One can make all of one’s efforts to counter the tides of fate, but the inscriptions on one’s fate are bound to come true. The script is to be enacted in one way or the other, regardless of one’s efforts to counter its efforts. At the end of the day, it is fate that takes one to don a king’s crown or a pauper’s garments.

In the ideal case, one’s fate should be inclined towards success in life. Very little of one’s efforts towards success in life are to materialise if they don’t collate with the inscriptions on the slate of fate. The problem is that no one knows what is   written in one’s fate till the time it is history. This way, one can only do one’s best to counter the alleged actions of fate; it is taken for granted that one’s fate is always bent on acting against one’s efforts to seek happiness and satisfaction in life. Under this assumption, all of one’s efforts while in the world are aimed against the tirades of fate and destiny.

Fate always seems to be bent on delaying with its share of gifts. Ideally, there shouldn’t be a delay in anything. If fate had something good in store for anyone, it should give it to him or her at that time, and not waited for an auspicious time. There is nothing like an auspicious time for anything. It is only the inability of fate to act as per the points indicating happiness and  satisfaction in the  present moment. If events in life are not conducive to the action of fate, why did it transcribe  such things for itself? This is quite like winning a race even without running it only because on was fated to win it.

This indicates to an inaction on one’s part to run in a race because fate has inscribed success, whether one runs the race or not, the problem is one can never know what exactly is fated for one. It is the greatest mystery in the world, that can‘t be solved even by the most adept detectives. One always directs one’s efforts with the assumption that fate is to counter one’s efforts.  This way, all of one’s efforts in the world are directed to counter the effects of   destiny.

But one’s destiny is not the only determinant of success in the world. A large part of the success one finds in life also banks on one’s aptitude. Everyone is born with a different aptitude, and one must do one’s best to deduce the precise nature of aptitude one has, and one must try to excel in that field. One should always try to find out one’s inclination towards different parts of the world. It is only in this field that one is to find success in any form, but again only if one is destined to find success and happiness in life. Almost all of us are fated to discover quite a bit of happiness and satisfaction in life. Those who can’t discover any amount of it in their lives only have to wait for the appointed time.

I strongly feel the appointed time for happiness and satisfaction to prevail over my life is not very far away. Let us see when it comes.

A Solution To Some Problems In My Life

A Solution To Some Problems In My Life
There was an attractive scent in my future that made me break away from my past to step into a future that was a mystery for me till now.  it was like stepping  into a world of which I was only allowed to dream  of till now. I wasn’t sure of the precise nature of the dream: it could be a pleasant one, or it might as well be a nightmare. There were all chances of it being a nightmare because my experiences with life in the past haven’t been quite good. I strongly feel life hasn’t dealt its cards fairly to me, and I deserve some more care and attention by my fate as a compensation.

I have been exposed to several realities of life in the recent past, and they have broken all images I had in my dreams. All the dreams I had dreamt of in my formative years couldn’t be turned into a reality however hard I tried. I feel very bad about it when I realise that almost none of the dreams I had visualised in my past could turn out to be true. 

At the same time, I also feel there is an esoteric benefit for me when Allah dictated my dreams to remain in the domain of the abstractions they were. The good intention hidden in their remaining the dreams they were shall probably never be known to me, but I can do  nothing about this except for being thankful for their remaining the dreams they were.  I do wonder if I ought to dream at all.

The reason for their being unfulfilled wishes could be that the time for their fulfillment hasn’t arrived. I only have to wait for the appointed time to come. I guess I ought to be grateful that at least all of my basic needs have been fulfilled. There are several cases where even the basic needs remain unfulfilled.  The problem is that life doesn’t pause or stop after being grateful for the basic needs being fulfilled.

Life goes on, and there stands one of the most prominent dreams in my life that reminds me of the unstable nature of my reality. The reality has to be stable and complete for all of dreams to come true. The instability and incomplete nature of my reality has been one of the most dominating problems in my life. There have been several points where my reality consonates with my dreams, but these points are quite few. I wonder if I ought to be grateful for their being turned into a reality. there are several others who dream of the luxuries I enjoy and don’t see their dreams come true in any manner.

The life I see presented before me in my dreams runs away in a completely new and novel format before my very eyes when I want to capture its essence in the form of reality. Dreams always have a better speed than reality. They always run faster than reality, and they are always ahead in the race. Alternatively, my dreams always run away at a pace only my mind is acquainted with when I try to relate them with the reality before me. The two never come to common terms when the issue is running between two ends.

For instance, the dreams I visualise predicated an instant movement away from celibacy, but the reality that has been presented before me doesn’t look at things from this angle. There has been an inordinate delay in crossing the red line indicating celibacy, and I haven’t been able to do anything about it. A similar delay has been a part of the picture before me in almost all cases and all parts of my life. There has always been an inordinate delay in crossing the line separating my reality and my dreams. I strongly feel that my case has always been a bit different from what happens in the normal course of events. I saw some different dreams from what my peers were exposed to, and so the reality has been quite different.

The problem has been largely a matter of perception. I want events to occur in the normal course for myself. I tend to forget there have been a lot of differences between me and my peers. While they have faced some other problems in their life, I have had to face a different set of problems in my life because of my having deviated from the norm. The biggest part of the problem has been that while everyone else has had almost all their problems solved in their case, all of my problems haven’t been solved so far. I wonder if I ought to be grateful for the few that have been solved, or that are not a part of the picture of life before me.

I compare myself with others who don’t face the typical problems I face. They face some other problems, but they have been given the potential to come out of the incumbent situations with flying colours. It is quite possible that Allah has given all of u the potential to bear through the problems that confront us, and I haven’t been able to appreciate the solutions provided to my set of problems because I have been busy in looking at problems others face. They don’t seem to face any problems, because  my perception of their problems is a lot different.

This is why I feel a lot of my problems remain unsolved. They shall probably never be solved. I shall never be able to do anything about their solutions. These problems remain in the domain of the unsolved problems a solution of which remains only a dream for me. I wish I could do something to help myself out of the situation.

I wish I could solve some problems in my life.

Forgetting A Nightmare

Forgetting A Nightmare
It is terribly hot, but what makes the heat tolerable and bearable is a knowledge that this is a passing phase. I can bear through the heat without grumbling because I’m aware of all the heat and dust that are the order of the day today shall fade into oblivion one day, and there will be a fine weather before me one day. It is sure to be followed by a much better and a more pleasant weather. The pleasant weather that is to follow is to fade into a hot dry and uncomfortable weather soon after, but I look forward to melting of the current phase of my life into a better and more pleasing life. The phase that is to follow shall be another story, but I look forward to melting of boundaries between the current phase of my life and the next.

I really wonder what and how life is when the weather is not as hot as it has been in my case. I’m sure life poses a different set of problems in the form of hail and storm before those who are not exposed to such bad weather. There is even a horrendous snowfall in some cases, but the problems life chose to give me are completely different.  I wonder why my case has been remarkably different from any other case.

I try to perceive positivities in the different treatment meted out to my life. While life has certainly given me a lot of problems, it has compensated me in a manner it hasn’t compensated anyone else. There are a lot of mercies and blessings of Allah I fail to see while I look only at the negative aspects of life. This is because the negative aspects in my life are so overwhelming that they tend to dominate over everything else. They would have made my life quite unbearable, but for the compensation I have been given.

In a way, it overrules all negativities in my life, but I sometimes wish my life had been as challenging as it is in the normal course of events, and I had the powers to bear through all the negative aspects of life with a smile. I haven’t been given any special powers, and despite this, I have had to walk on several different diversions. They have brought me before several different and unique aspects of life. They have been so intimidating that I wonder how life is when someone is let to walk on a straight path without any diversions. Considering my case as a universally one, I don’t think anyone is let to walk on a straight path. I strongly feel everyone is given quite a few diversions in life. Although they are of a different nature, walking on them is only an option they have. I do know they lead to a different destination and walking along them is a lot easier than walking on the diversions I have had to walk on.

 One of the diversions I have had to go through and I ought to be grateful for is that there was a prior intimation given to me of an impending bad weather in my life, although I couldn’t have ever done anything positive about it. I had also been intimated of some good times that are to follow the bad times to come in my life. In a small way, this made the bad weather quite palatable. This doesn’t happen in case of those who walk on without any diversions or find themselves on diversions different from the one I have to walk on.

A hot weather may not have been tolerable had I not been given a prior intimation of its terminable nature. I’m sure of have felt the heat quite severely had I not been aware this is also to pass. Bad times in everyone’s life, like everything else in life, pass away one day. Life in the contemporary hot weather would have been quite unbearable had it been infinite, and the torture of the bad weather been a never ending one. I may have found myself panting and wheezing for breath in a hot loo that is to blow in a few days. But I have been given a prior intimation of the terminable nature of the incumbent bad weather in my life.

Aesthetically and morally, it is bad and wrong to get a prior intimation of the days to come, and the weather that is to be the order of the day, but in a small way, I’m glad I did have a faint idea of what is to come in my life. it is a relief that events are following a set plan, and better days are sure to come.

The weather is sure to get better in a few days, but a change in weather is also a matter of my perception. What I feel to be better is visualised in comparison with what the contemporary state of affairs. It may be, and surely is, a way of life with someone else. There is a sharp difference in the degree of comparison with which everyone classifies things in life. what I perceive as ‘ better’ may be ‘good’ for someone else, and what I perceive as ‘good’ may be classified as ‘better’ by someone else. This way, I only need to change my outlook towards life to classify events and artifacts in my life with a superlative degree of comparison.

At the end of the day, the weather is sure to get a lot better. Everything in my life is to become arranged in a proper manner and I shall look upon the contemporary days of bad weather as a nightmare that is best forgotten.

I hope the nightmare is forgotten soon.

Entering Paradise

Entering  Paradise
She helped me wade through a crisis in my life. It was a critical point in my life when I badly needed to share my thoughts with someone, and this was when I found her. these thoughts, unless shared with someone intimate,  had the    capacity of raising a pandemonium in my being . there were  a host of other feelings boiling to come out in one form or the other, and I didn’t know how to  bring them out. If I didn’t bring out my feelings in some form or the other, they were going to create a havoc in my being. The result was going to be catastrophic and it was going to be quite unpleasant for me and everyone around me.

I didn’t realise the gravity of the situation at that time. I wish I had realised her urgent need in my life. I wish there was a way I could bring back the time I missed the call to move on in life.  she was standing at the doorstep ringing all kinds of bells, seeking an entry, but I chose to ignore them. I wish I had given an ear to the bells she rang in my heart; life would have been quite different for both of us. I wish I had had wisdom of understanding the sonorous sounds of her heartbeats which thumped in her chest but resonated in my chest. Practically, there wasn’t a way of gauging the depth of the ocean of secrets where she held a whole lot of secrets buried deep within the chambers of  her heart.

I wanted to return the favour she had bestowed upon me by giving an ear to my heartbeats. This was a time when I needed a companion to help me tide over the dominant crises in my life. I badly wanted someone to give an ear to the sound of my heartbeats, and match her heartbeats with mine. The sound of our heartbeats was quite sharp and sonorous, but both of us were bent on making our hearts beat with the same rhythm.

They were quite different from the sound that resonated from her chest because we were different. She was aware of the difference, but she still wanted our hearts to ring the same tune. She was aware of the importance of this in her life. She had to do it to be happy. She had to do it in order to live a sustainable life.  She knew it.

She knew a companion was required to give her company through the tirades of life and for her well-being, and she knew she had to unite with the person she loved the most. She knew she had grown out of the age when her parents and friends occupied the dominant position in her life. There is someone else who is to be more important than anyone else in her life. She had to move on and embrace that person because he was going to give her happiness throughout her life. She knew she loved me, and she  knew she couldn’t love anyone else in the same manner.  She couldn’t find the same quantity of love from anyone else, she knew it.

Moving on in life and embracing another person as a companion is a part of ordinary life. There is nothing special in her case. This is something that happens with everyone. This is a truth she has to understand. It isn’t that she is not to find any amount of happiness in the older affiliations she had, but the typical kind of happiness she is to find with someone special in her life is not to be found with anyone else. She will have to bid goodbye to all her earlier affiliations   if she is to discover more happiness, or any amount of happiness, in my company. It is as if she was born to discover the typical happiness with me. I occupied the central place in her world now. All those who had occupied the particular position in her life had shifted to a secondary and tertiary position in her life now.

I marveled at the transformation effected in values in a single journey. The journey was to bring happiness for her, I know. It was going to bring health and happiness for her. A denial of the importance of the journey was going to be detrimental to her health and well-being, she knew this. She had to undertake the journey, and she had to undertake it as soon as possible. She didn’t have an option.

Whatever may anyone say of the importance of the relations we have in the world, she was out to discover the most important relationship in her life. It was going to be equivalent to being in paradise for her, and she wanted to be in paradise as soon as possible. I’m duty-bound to help her find it since she helped me out of an unpleasant  situation in my life.

I hope she discovers the paradise she wants to be in soon.

I Fight From My Cradle To Grave

I Fight From My Cradle To Grave
There is very little I can do till the sun rises from the east once again. The dawn of a new and fresh day is sure to bring a lot for me, but I don’t want to be a mute spectator while the future unfurls itself before me. It is a long time since the sun set in the west. It is sure to rise again; but while it is down in the west, I want to do my best to conquer the darkness of the night prevalent in the world. I want to complete all my homework like the good and obedient school boy who finishes his homework before the next day. The school boy is to be rewarded in a typical manner for the punctuality and eagerness with which he competed with the homework. I hope I get a good and handsome reward, something more than the dawn of a fresh new day which shall follow the dark and dismal night.

I wonder if I’m right in expecting something from life. I don’t think I hold any rights to make any wishes just as beggars are not supposed to make any wishes. They should be happy with whatever life gives them. I should also be content and happy with whatever life gives me in whatever form. I don’t think I hold rights to expect anything more than that. Wishing for something more than what is readily given by life is something quite natural and normal, but not in my case. My life hasn’t followed the natural and normal course, so  I don’t think I hold any rights to make any wishes. Even if I do make some wishes, I don’t know if I’m correct in expecting them to come true.

None of my wishes are going to come true, not because they are made with an evil intention, but because they don’t collate with the inscriptions of my fate and destiny. I should have made wishes that collate with the flow of my fate or I wish there was a way to change the inscriptions on my fate. I wish I knew what my fate had in store for me, so I could make some wishes accordingly. At least a few of the wishes I made in this case would have come true, or there would have been a possibility of them coming true. I badly wish there was a way I  could rewind my life back to the point I made these wishes. I want to change the wishes I made.

In a small way, I want to change the direction of the flow of life through my being, but as it is, there is no way anyone can change the direction. I know my life has been following a definite direction dictated by my destiny, and there is no way I can ever effect changes in my destiny. I can only do my best to change the way the plan is executed, and whatever changes I make shall be incorporated into my destiny with such expert skills that a visible change shall not be perceived in any manner. Everything will fall into place like the different and yet congruent pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

I only hope the final picture I get to see after all my struggles is good enough and worth all the efforts I made. I sometimes wonder if I made some more efforts than everyone else has to. I wonder if this is why I feel I deserve a special treatment by fate. Everyone gets to face some problems in his life; they are only of a different and unique kind for everyone. This way, everyone makes some struggles in his or her own typical manner. Everyone feels he or she has suffered a lot, or more than others. I don’t think there is anything abnormal in my way of perceiving the situation. My life hasn’t been a bit different from anyone else’s life because everyone has to make some efforts. The difference I court from others is that the challenges presented before everyone else are of a different nature and kind. Everyone else is out of the tough situation where there are so many challenges in life, and I still have to emerge from the Bermuda Triangle that threatens to swallow me up.

Problems and difficulties in life for everyone else fade into oblivion with time as everyone moves on. In my case, they haven’t faded off, but they have assumed graver dimensions. The dimensions they have assumed can’t be cut short in any manner; they have to be faced in the form they are in. the only changes I can and must make are in the world around me: I must adapt the habitat around me to suit the dimensions the problems in my life have assumed.

I will have to chisel and shape the world around me to suit the issues hounding me and my life for a long time. The world around me is certainly as hard as a rock, it refuses to be chiseled into any shape, but I must do my best. I can only do my best to change the world, I can never do more than this. I shall continue doing my best, but only till a certain point of time. I don’t think I have the potential to give my life a thrust for an eternity.

I hope things sort out soon, and I don’t have to push in for a long time.

Zeenat: The Other Life I Want To Live

Zeenat: The Other Life I Want To Live
Zeenat’s wails were quite loud and clear at an hour when the whole world sleeps. The sound may have been quite irritating to anyone’s ears, but it was music to my ears all the same. I had been looking forward to   giving an ear to the sound for a long time. It was quite like waiting for Maghreb azan in the month of Ramzan. Her wails effected a catharsis deeper than what is experienced after the first sip of water after a long and dry roza.

I have partaken of quite a few sips of water in the form of Zeenat’s wails in the past few weeks, but the novelty of the experience of holding her in my arms refuses to pass into oblivion. It is what makes me feel my presence in paradise quite loudly, louder than what must be heard in an atomic explosion. There is a lovely feeling that runs through my veins while she clings to me in the typical manner babies hang on to whoever holds them. I experienced the feeling of weightlessness felt when one is elevated to the highest point on earth, and brought down in an elevator. I take care to hold her in my arms  several times through the day if only to experience all this.

The infant carries me to the highest point when she had joined us a couple of weeks ago. The world is quite inferior to me and her from the elevated position she takes me to. She is the one who is to open up a whole lot of new relationships with the world where she is better than me in all possible ways. She is going to show me how the world is perceived in the normal course of events. She is going to show me how the world reacts to anyone in the normal course of events. I feel quite bad when I think of it that my life hasn’t followed a normal course. I’ve often wondered how situations unfold themselves in the normal course of events; Zeenat is going to answer all my questions.

I had won an important battle with my fate when she had heralded her arrival into my life. I strongly feel fate didn’t want me to relish and cherish the sweet smell of Zeenat as a baby: the smell of new-born babies is one of the best in the world, but it remains only for a while, while the baby is untouched by the world and all those in it. I did get a whiff of the baby, but there is simply no way I can have preserved it in any form.

Zeenat will not remain the baby she is today, I know. She is sure to lose all the points that make her the best baby in the world. She is going to lose her innocence and freshness, like a rose that unfurls its petals in the morning, discovers some dew-drops in the morning, and withers off over a couple of days. There are going to be times when her antics are going to irritate me and make me pull my hair, but they are going to be part of the bargain where she spreads of love and affection over my life every day. These times are going to be most welcome to add to the variety and diversity of life I discover given the monotony of life I’ve faced for a long time.

The world will also have changed a lot by the time Zeenat grows up into an adult. There will be several new innovations and inventions made at the level of communication, and I might be able to communicate with my past. I can never change my past, but there are quite a few questions I would certainly like to put up before my past. I still am not able to understand where I took the wrong turn in life that led to so many things happening in my life.

There has been an inordinate delay in Zeenat’s concrete form being seen. I wish there was a mechanism to ask my fate the reason for the delay. I hope technology develops such powers by that time. I badly want to show her how I felt for her while she wasn’t a part of the world. I’m sure she won’t be able to understand exactly how I felt, no one can, but I hope she gets a vague idea of the thoughts I harboured for her once upon a time.

Zeenat is going to be the most important person in my life. I wish technology could devise a way I could possibly see into her future and rectify any mistakes she is going to make in her life. I made some grave mistakes in my life, and I badly wish there was a way to rectify them. I want to live my life again, but without the scope of making these mistakes. I hope Zeenat lives the other life I want to live. There are an entirely different set of mistakes she is set to make in her life, but I hope she gets to enjoys her life in a comprehensive manner, unlike me. I strongly feel I wasted a lot of my life and a lot of my time in unproductive activities. I wish I could rewind my life, and live it again.

I hope Zeenat does it for me.

Stepping Into A Future Of My Dreams

Stepping Into A Future Of My Dreams
I want to break away from my past and step into   a future which is as deep as a forbidden dream for me.  I badly want to see the dream whenever I manage to catch a sleep; it attracts me to itself quite like the fruit forbidden    attracted Adam. I am prepared to be expelled from the paradise I find myself in if only I had a glimpse of my future. Somehow, I know, I shall never get to my future. It is an apparition I am headed for, I know, but it is better than all the realities of life I have been exposed to till now. I badly ant to step into future where everything is going to be perfect and beautiful.

I don’t need anyone’s express permission for this. I only have to close my eyes and let myself lose in the blind labyrinth of emotions she lays before me. She led the way to the intricate maze but refused to accompany me beyond the entrance. I was left to find my way by myself. I don’t mind doing things independently, but going through a maze on my own did attract some amount of dissonance.

The world within had a lot of abstractions. I found it hard to see even myself while in the maze as I am accustomed to see myself in a world of concrete realities. I perceive everything in comparison to my image, but with my image altered in the world I had entered, everything around me was changed too. All said and done, the collection of abstractions had a typical attraction for me, the most beautiful abstraction calls itself Zeenat, and I love it. I strongly feel there is nothing in the abstract or concrete world that is better than Zeenat. She is simply the best.

She is better than everything in the concrete world or even in the abstract world.   She is someone who doesn’t have any faults and foibles: she is the most perfect entity that ever existed. I shall never find the perfection in reality, but I’m prepared to accept whatever is given in whatever form. I’ve struggled for success in all its different shapes and forms; even though I’ve  seldom found exactly what I’ve aimed for,  I’ve always got a whiff of success in the form   of a wee bit of the entity I strove for. I’ve always been grateful for whatever has been pushed into my lot. They have shown me that the real joy of life  lies in being thankful for whatever you have.

These are the very concepts I’m gong to strive and struggle for from now on. They direct me to move on in  search of better worlds. I had to make my word a lot better every day, and keep up the effort on a regular basis. I had to do this to make my conscious world a lot better for the abstractions including Zeenat to step into. The paradox of the situation is that I  can do very little to make my world a better place. I have been helpless against the tirades of time and my fate. They have    left a severe void in my being.

I wish there was a way I can possibly bury my past in the void. There is so much I want to forget. There is so much that is to be turned into a dream I can forget when I get up. I strongly feel realities of life that have not been very pleasant to me. they deserve to be turned into abstract dreams,  ones I can forget in a jiffy, and shown the way into the world she showed me. The truth is there is no way one can ever transform the realities of life into dreams just as there is no way dreams can ever                    be turned into a reality. There is simply no option available but to swallow the reality in the form it is presented in.

The reality is always   presented in a form that is quite unlike the one we wanted it to be in, but we are never given any options when it comes to a presentation of reality in a concrete form. Those of us who face reality in its face, in the form it presents itself in are the ones who rule the world on their own terms. These people are quite rare because realities of life make everyone make some compromises. All of us have to make a lot  of compromises in life; they act as brakes that serve to put a check on the wings we soar on; they don’t let     us fly too high. Those who fly too high are more likely to get their wings burnt by the heat of the  sun and they are more likely to fall on the ground.

The only way out is to make some compromises with realities of life when they can’t be contested against, and to do everything to counter them whenever possible. I hope  I can deal with realities of life in a proper manner.

Rain Teaches Some Lessons To Some Sailors

Rain Teaches Some Lessons To Some Sailors
There was a heavy torrent of rain last night. It was preceded by a spell of high humidity that was quite uncomfortable while it lasted. The downpour was a welcome change after the humid weather that was the order of the day before that, but once it outlived its welcome period, the raindrops became equivalent to sludge falling from the sky. There was a lull in the atmosphere following the shower, but the dark clouds dominated the horizon for a long time.

I’m not sure of the precise nature in which the horrendous burst of clouds has manifested itself in my life, I’m not sure if it has already done its worst, or if it is to spell disaster for me, but there certainly have been quite a few days when a dissonance with my present has touched a zenith. There have certainly been days when everything around me has made me feel uncomfortable. I’m only waiting for the downpour to cease and give way to the legendary lull after a storm. I wonder in what form it is going to manifest itself in.

Practically, there has not been an end to the storm in my life. It is a monotonous drag that is to go on for a long time, probably forever. I can do absolutely nothing about the downpour, its intensity or even its duration. The dark clouds above me seem to be bent on showering their wrath on me for a long time, and I can’t do anything to stop the constant drizzle. I will have to bring some changes in myself so I can bear the rain and strong winds without any visible disturbances to my self. It is very important to conceal all visible differences I have from the world; luckily, there are none. Visible disturbances are likely to invoke a sense of pity for the self. The storm certainly has wrecked havoc over my life, but it hasn’t disturbed any visible locations where the damage can be seen.

The storm has been quite a rough and unruly one, it did disturb the course of the ship of my life, but it has almost returned to its original course. There were all sorts of high waves and strong winds in the ocean, but navigators and sailors have done their best to bring the ship back to track, and they have been rewarded wholesomely. I’m grateful to them for guiding the ship when it needed direction. They did set the ship on an even track, but somehow, it missed the port it was meant to be at, and has been wandering in the open sea for a long time.

Meandering over the ocean on its own has been quite a tough task for the ship, but it has to do it. The captain of the ship hasn’t been given any options but to keep sailing for a long time, till he spots a coast or at least an island. It may be a long time before someone from the crow’s nest can spot another ship or a coast or even an island, and the ship has to keep up its sailing adventure till that time.

It isn’t going to be a tough proposition given the ship is driven by winds that blow through the seas. It only has to adjust its mast and sails, and it is sure to reach its destination in a few days. A ship sailing by burning fossil-fuel may have been in an odd situation. The sailors only have to be patient, calm and tolerant of whatever adversities the sea has in store for them. after all, it is sure to bring them face-to-face with a lot of happiness and good fortune too. Life doesn’t always present itself as a monster that spells disaster for whoever comes before it. They will have to be patient for whatever merits they want to discover from the adventure they bargained for when they set out to sea.

The adventure is certainly not without an end. The ship of life has to terminate its sailing adventures one day; it has to touch dry land one day. The sailors aboard the ship may find themselves on an island one day; they are to begin another adventure from that point, and yet another when they find themselves headed for the coast from the island they are at, but their marine adventure is to end one day. Life on the island is going to present itself in its various different forms, but it is to end one day when they are fished out of the island.

Life was the best for a firefly while it was in its cocoon; it wasn’t born into the world till that point of time, it didn’t have any problems, but its problems began to develop and be compounded as soon as it discovered itself as a part of the living world. There is no way it could go back into its cocoon, so it is going to be better if it learnt to adjust to the challenges of the outer world. For the sailors, life was the easiest before they ventured out to sea, but since they are out on the adventure now, they have to bear through all the nuances of the trip.

They gather a lot of experiences along the trip, and these experiences help them live a better life every day.

For Those Who Move On In Life

For Those Who Move On In Life
I pulled myself away from its grip with all the power I had, but, apparently, it was stronger than the pull of a magnet. I wanted it to let me go, but it wasn’t prepared to let me go. This was quite like having spent some time with a sweetheart who didn’t want to let me go after a date. The time I’d spent with her was to go down in the annals of my history as some of the best, but I am aware that the time allotted for our  company was over now. We had to part ways.

I had discovered so much joy in the days of yore that I never wanted to let go of my past, although I knew I had to move on to the future in search of better days. The future certainly has some better days in store for me. I only have to move on and better days shall be here one day, I know. I can move on only if I let go of my past and move on to greener pastures that shall confront me in a few days if I keep moving.

There are several events in my past whose thoughts make me writhe and shiver in angst. They are gone and forgotten. These events shall never be a part of my life again, I know, but they return to torment me again and again. They will continue to do so till the time I find worse moments to torment me.

There have always been   events that have destroyed the peace and tranquility of my existence, my life has never been    devoid of such moments. There is to be no permanent solution to this. I shall be trembling and writhing in angst and frustration throughout my life. There has always been a temporary relief from the anxiety, but it has always evaporated into thin air as soon as it appeared.

I really don’t know if the change that is to come into my life in a few days has the powers to fish me out of such a situation. A part of me wants to forget everything about the past and move on in life. Another part of me wants me to stay where I am. The truth is I’m exhausted and tired after the sojourn I’ve been through. I wish I knew which part of myself is giving me the correct advice.

I’m certainly at a point where I wasn’t at at an earlier instance, I’m certainly better than several of my peers and contemporaries who don’t even have the basic amenities, but this is certainly not the end of all my struggles. I ought to be content and satisfied with where life has brought me to, but my satisfaction shouldn’t translate into inaction when it comes to moving ahead in life. I have to move on in life and forget about my past. This is the only way there can be happiness in my life.

I wonder if any of my efforts are worth the few  moments of happiness in life I get as a reward of investing them. the joy and glee is going to fade into ignominy in a couple of days, if not a few moments. So, is the struggle and strife in life worth  the few moments of happiness and joy we get in return? The important point is   we don’t have a choice but to move on in quest of happiness and satisfaction in life. The quest is sure to bring us before several moments we certainly don’t appreciate of, but considering the fact that we have very little or absolutely no choice but to move on in life, it is not a bad proposition.

Everyone keeps moving on. One just might find happiness and satisfaction round the corner in a form not known to anyone. It keeps changing its form and shape, but all of us get to meet happiness and satisfaction at some point of time in our life. The quality of happiness each of us gets is never directly proportionate to the efforts we made for it, but all of us do get hold of an abstract entity that can be    compared to happiness in life. The disproportionate manner is a farce, but none of us have a choice of not making any efforts even if we are not rewarded in a proportionate manner. We have to move on in life.

Considering the situation where one is not rewarded in a proportional manner, but hast to move on is quite frustrating. Whatever we do in life, we do for a reward in an abstract or a concrete form. While some of us do get the reward we were out for, most of us don’t. There are even those who get punished for the efforts they made. Negative reinforcement is always detrimental to any efforts we make in life, they kill all chances of our making efforts in the future, but none of us have any choices but to make efforts.

We move on in life every single moment of our lives, and I too move on from my past to a future that just might be a bit better than my past.

A Plunge Into Her Eyes

A Plunge Into Her Eyes
I saw a glimpse of my future in her eyes as she looked at me. It was a lot sweeter than any of the images of my past buried deep in my mind. The future usually invokes a certain amount of fear because of its uncertain nature, but the future I saw in her eyes at that moment was quite beautiful. I developed an affinity with the images of my future I saw in her eyes over a short period of time, and I badly wanted to move towards it. There was a typical attraction in what I saw in her eyes that made me look down upon my past and present as something insignificant, puny and unworthy of notice. I wanted to move on to take a dip into her dark and mysterious eyes. It was the most important task at the hour.

The entire purpose of my existence is to take a plunge into her eyes. I am prepared to forget all my earlier associations for her sake. There is a brighter bulb lit in her eyes than any I had ever seen, and I feel myself pulled towards it like a firefly. All my friends and relatives are standing on the backstage of my life at that moment. She is the only important protagonist in my life, and she is going to be the most important one when and if others showed their faces.

There was a typical catharsis effected in me as I felt my soul leaving its old body quite like a snake sheds its skin and rejuvenates itself. The old body had a lot of typical affiliations which are childish before the one it is to form now. The soul has to leave the body of a child, I remind myself and move on to an adult body. With itself, the soul is to take all of the affiliations it had while it was in the body of a child. It is to bring a whole lot of new affiliations when it enters the body of an adult.

The adult is a completely different and independent creature. The snake that shed its skin is to assume a completely different form once it gets into its new skin. I’m not sure if the changed form is to be any better than the original one in any manner. There are all chances of the future being worse than the present and even my past, but I don’t have an option but to move on towards the world in her eyes.

There is a lot of angst accumulated within me because I haven’t been able to change my skin when my peers and contemporaries are miles ahead in the race after changing their skin. I wonder why fate didn’t want me to change my skin at the appropriate time. I wonder why it didn’t create a dissonance within me towards the skin I was in.

Everyone develops a typical dissonance towards the present they are in, and is forced to shed their skin. I couldn’t develop a dissonance, or the one I developed wasn’t strong enough to push me to shed my original skin. Certain typical situations in my life didn’t predicate my shedding of my skin at the appropriate time. I badly wish there was a way to go back in time and rectify all situations to incorporate a dissonance strong enough within me to shed my skin. I wish I could rectify all that went wrong with me.

Life would have been quite different had I shed my skin at the appropriate time and if I had been like everyone else. It is quite like a sweet dream I see, a dream that cannot ever come true. I remind myself that my inability to shed skin at the appropriate time was because of certain typicalities ingrained in me by foes of time. I have had absolutely no powers to control the flow of time through my being, and the way it has created a havoc within my being. I shall never be able to do anything concrete in this direction.

I don’t think I need any powers to counter the flow of time and the dictates of my destiny. I should accept the superiority of the powers they hold over all my conscious efforts to effect a change in their plans.  I haven’t been able to do anything significant in this direction, although I’ve tried my level best.

If I do my level best to dive into her eyes and remain there for a long time, and my fate has a different diving-plan for me, I don’t think all my efforts can do anything towards any end can work out well. I wonder if I should make efforts to plunge into the ocean of secrets before me; is it worth the effort?

I shall be losing all roots I held in my past. I’m not sure if I shall be able to bind myself with the ground ever again if I dislodged myself at this juncture. On the other hand, the future is has to be embraced by all of us one day in whatever form it may present itself. I don’t see a point in delaying what is sure to happen in one form or the other. I don’t want to remain behind in an ocean of despair and dismay for a long time, and that too because I missed on a chance to rescue myself. I don’t think this is an attractive option.

I shall plunge into her eyes and I hope I shall forget everything else once I am in them.

Life Is Like That

Life Is Like That
I clicked quite a few pictures of her smiling face with my camera. We were together for the first time, and I wanted to capture the essence of the   excitement in a more concrete form than merely the memoirs that were being recorded in our hearts. They were going to fade in a while, but the photos I clicked were to remind us in that life has not been so bad after all. There have been some good moments in our lives, but they have faded away with time.

The problem with the golden moments of our lives is that they are always in a hurry to fade into oblivion. There is simply no way to capture them in a permanent form. What poets and writers do is only an attempt to capture their beauty in the from of words. Their success largely depends on the person who interprets their attempts, and it too loses its essence with time. The mesmerizing powers of poetry, whatever may   everyone say, remains only for a short while.

Both of us were standing at a point where we needed to forget a lot of things. We had to forget quite a bit of our past. The ecstasy we were to provide each other was going to contribute in many ways to fill up the loss. It was going to prove to be stronger than the feeling dominant in me of losing a considerable amount of time in doing what didn’t prove to be productive in any manner. It should have turned out well for me, but it didn’t. I can never have done anything about it. This is the only point of consolation for me. I can only make my efforts in a particular direction. I guess it went in a wrong direction.

I often wonder if it was only a stroke of bad luck or if it was something more than that. I strongly feel I wasted a lot of my time in what was to prove to be very productive, but it didn’t. It is quite bad that fate chose me to prove the misinterpretation of this theorem of life. It has proved to be catastrophic for me, but I don’t think I can ever have done anything to help myself out of the situation.

I was running after a mirage, I feel. The apparition simply shifts further away without considering me or my steady pace. It reminds me that one’s efforts are not all that that is important in life. the inscriptions on one’s destiny are superior to all our efforts to counter them. Somehow, I know none of my efforts to touch the mirage shall ever materialise because my destiny doesn’t want them to.

Everyone is out to touch what appears to be a mirage, but somehow, everyone touches a reality that proves to be similar to the mirage. My case has been quite different. I’ve had to face a reality that is worse than the mirage. I wasted a lot of my time in my hapless and unsuccessful pursuit of the mirage. The time I wasted shall never come back in any form. It shall only remind me of what could have happened had life been normal for me. I really wonder what the world would have been like in this case.

The world is never going to change in any manner for me. I strongly feel life is not going to be any better than it is now. It is only to get worse and worse. There are to be more problems in my life, and they are going to present many more negative faces of life before me. The way I deal with them is going to make all the difference to the way life deals with me. The way I deal with the problems is going to keep changing and it is going to prove to be the essence of my tactics in life. I’ll have to move on with time, and I shall have to make a couple of more compromises as I move on to face all the negative elements life presents before me.

Life is sure to present itself in a changed form before me in a few days. There are to be many changed facets of life that shall have to be embraced as they present themselves in. I shall not be able to change any of them; moreover, effecting a change in them is going to prove to be detrimental to my well-being. I hope I  can accept all of them in the form they present themselves in.  I hope I can change all the formats of life that need to be changed.

I wish I could bring back the time I wasted in quest of what turned out to be a mirage. Had I not been out in its quest, had I looked for something more ordinary, I might have found it till now. But the mirage appeared to be better than anything else to me, and its quest created all the differences in me.

Another part of the problem is that I don’t know anyone else who has been out in search of the mirage I have been out for. It hasn’t proved to be a mirage for anyone else, I’m sure. The image hasn’t shifted ahead for anyone else. It has remained where it was originally and initially. They have not had to make so many efforts to get there.

Everyone else is already at an oasis of life, and they are already on the way to another oasis, or even the other end of the desert. I badly need to get out of a set-up that presents an idealised picture of the desert before me. I need to look at it with a dissonance. It should propel me to  a location outside the desert. It is the only mechanism that can push me out of the desert I find myself in. changing my outlook towards life is the only way out of the desert. Moreover, I need to look at myself in isolation. Life has not dealt its cards to me in the ordinary way, so I don’t think I should expect it to deal with me in the ordinary way.

I don’t know how life deals with everyone in the ordinary way. It certainly must be a lot different from the way it has dealt with me. In the ordinary course of events, I may not have been clicking snaps of the young lady before me. The present would have been very different for me. I would have been clicking some snaps of Zeenat.

But life is like that.

She Creates A Void In Many Hearts

She Creates A Void In Many Hearts
There was a  deep sense of remorse building up within me. I felt quite like what someone feels when he or she misses a bus because of reaching the bus-stand later than the appointed time for a particular bus to leave. I would have been on the bus and on the way to the destination, but I missed the appointed time by a matter of seconds.

There are many more buses to follow, I know, but I shall not be able to board the bus I missed. There is a typical joy I was looking for when I wanted to board the particular bus, and now I shall not be able to experience it. Right now, there seems to be nothing more important than getting on to the bus that has left, and the worst part of the situation was that I can’t do anything about it.

I shall get to experience a sense of joy and happiness different from what I may have experienced had I been in time, but the joy shall certainly be here, but the sense of remorse on missing the particular bus and the ecstasy I missed had I been travelling in it is greater than the thought of any amount of joy I shall experience.

Somehow, I know the bus I missed is a lot better than all other buses in the city. All buses are the same, all of them move towards a definite destination at almost a similar pace and speed, but I harbour a feeling deep within myself that declare the bus I missed as the best. There is nothing special about the colour or make of the particular bus, but I had developed a typical affinity with it.

I shall get to develop the same amount of affinity with another bus as soon as I board it and spend some time in it, I’m sure, but the truth is I shall not be able to develop the typical affinity  I had with the bus I missed. It shall not be a part                      of  my world, never. The world is to go on exactly as it did while I wasn’t conscious of my fate of missing the bus, there won’t be any change in it, but I shall always miss the bus I couldn’t get on.

I badly wish there was a way I could possibly rewind  time and go back to the point of embarkation or the bus. I strongly feel it was there I made a mistake and delayed my departure. It is going to take some time before I can console myself of the loss and pacify myself. It hardly makes a difference if the bus I get on is a different one or it takes  a longer time or it  takes as long as it would have taken by the original bus.

Incidentally, I missed out on the time set for the departure of the  bus and I also missed the connecting bus scheduled to leave from the bus-stop a while after                    the arrival of the bus, but there is absolutely nothing that can happen by crying over spilt milk.

The bus left a long time back leaving only exhaust fumes behind. It shall never be a part of the picture of my life ever again. It  took away quite a few of my dreams and aspirations when it drove away in an unceremonious manner without even blowing a horn. Well, at the most I can give it my best wishes for its sojourn. It shall certainly reach its  destination one day.  It has to go around with its load of passengers even if is packed to the limit with them.

The sense of remorse within me was getting a stronger grip on my being because I was a     witness to the moments of her departure from her house in a car decked                     up with flowers and bouquets. I didn’t want her to leave me, but practically, I couldn’t do anything about it. she was looking quite good in all the paraphernalia of an Indian  bride, and I badly wish I was the lucky man she                     was married to. There                       is very little I can have done at that time except join her parents in shedding tears.

We had different reasons for expressing our emotions in tears,  but there was a deep sense of grief soaked in them. I was losing a  great friend who could have been a lot more than just a friend, while those around me were losing a part of their selves. Everyone was losing quite a bit of themselves, and everyone expressed their grief in tears.

The tears were to dry off in a while, and in a few days, life would limp back                    to normal. It was going to be some time before everyone got used to a life without her, but things were going to get back to normal soon. I  would forge about her in a few days, and life would inch back   to normal for me too.

I hope this happens     soon.

I Let Her Go

I Let Her Go
She looked at me from behind the curtains. There were some heavy and thick curtains in the room I was in, and I didn’t have an idea of the peek-a-boo game she was at. She wasn’t supposed to be doing it. Apparently, her curiosity got the better of her, and she couldn’t resist getting an idea of me before I got a chance to grab  a look at her. It hardly mattered given the context and setting under which we were being introduced.

There was a formal introduction to be conducted in a while, but she stole a couple of furtive glances at the future that was in store for her. It was quite like sitting on the seat next to the driver in a bus and getting an idea of the road the wheels were to go over in a while. She was not in a position to do anything concrete to help herself out if the bus was going to roll into a pit the next moment, but a prior knowledge of her future was to lend some amount of satisfaction to her.

She had a vague idea of me as someone who was in her house with the purpose of conducting a formal inspection. I felt a bit odd and strange; it was like offering namaaz after the appointed time for it was past. My offerings are not going to be accepted in the form of the valid offerings, but I didn’t have an option. I had gone past the point where I would have had a lot of options before me.

She did get a comprehensive idea of the picture before her before she stepped out from behind the curtain and illuminated the room like a beam of light makes  a dark and solemn room pregnant with expectations. I was dumb-struck when I saw her walking into the room. There wasn’t anything special about her appearance, but this was what made her strikingly different and beautiful. There was an absence of superfluous ostentations on her external self, and I discovered a terrific affinity with her when I realised her inclination for simplicity reflected in her attire.

I have often wondered what pleasure women find in applying tons of beauty products that have all the potential to damage the skin as much as to make it all the more beautiful. This is a trait ingrained in their genes, something beyond my understanding. I’m glad she didn’t have the tons in the vanity case in her mind.

I wanted to convey my appreciation for her taste at the hour, but the presence of so many people around us made it impossible for me to initiate a conversation. There was a wild babble of tongues in the room, but it was her presence in the room that made it all the more vibrant with fervor  and energy. Her presence was enough to cut through the dominant conversation in the room between everyone else; it shouted her point in concise and precise terms in a medley of sounds and voices: simplicity is better than anything else in the world.

Her eyes held a deep secret she wanted to reveal to me, but I was not in a position to understand anything significant in the absence of   a formal interpreter. I made all efforts to grasp the significance of her expressions, but feminine expectations remain a mystery I yet have to crack. I shall have to be adept at solving the mystery quite soon if I want be happy, but at that moment, they were a mystery.

There was a lot to be shared at that point of time between the two of us, but I consider it to be good that we merely exchanged a few smiles during the hour we spent in each other’s company. The meeting was a formal one, but I’m grateful we met. She gave me an idea of the depth of secrets buried in her eyes as well as her heart in a few days when we met again, but without the presence of so many relatives.

She wanted to tell me about her intimacy with someone else. She didn’t want to continue any form of relationship with me, and because she was not in a position to convey all this to her parents herself, she wanted me to reject her on some grounds. I found myself in a typical situation where I wanted to move on, but the road I had to walk on refused to lead to a dead-end. I’m sure a continuance of the alliance was to have resulted in misery and unhappiness for both of us. she was not going to find an iota of happiness in my company.

Her confession put me in an odd situation where I had to conjure up a reason for denial. There apparently was no reason; there never could be one, she was the ideal lady for me, but I had to think of a valid reason to deny a continuance of the alliance. This was going to go a long way to make sure we were happy. None of us were to be happy if we chose to continue with the proposed alliance, I know.

It has been quite some time since all this happened with me, but today, I’m grateful I cannot be held responsible for breaking anyone’s heart. I am glad I thought of an excuse for not marrying her. I’m not sure if her love-story had a happy ending, or even if it was true or not, or if it crashed down  to the ground like so many other love-stories. I’ll never know.

I hope she lives happily ever after.

Tirades Of My Past

Tirades Of My Past
I badly wish there was a way to forget a few parts of my life that return to haunt me from time to time. They are some parts I don’t seem to be prepared to forget in a hurry, but at the same time, keeping them fresh and sharp in my memory is gong to prove detrimental to my well-being. I really want to move on to greener pastures and enjoy all fruits of greenery, but at the same time, I don’t seem to want to leave any of my anchors and moorings in the past. They appear so good to me; they are like my best-friends; they have been with me through thick and thin for a long time: I don’t want to leave them.

This is a typical situation where I’m being egged on a track that leads to happiness and satisfaction, but there are certain elements in my past that continue to maintain a tough grip on me; they don’t let me move on. I find it quite hard to say good-bye to the dirges I used to sing till yesterday; there are many merry tunes ringing sonorous bells in my future, but they don’t appear as pleasing to the ear as the dirges I used to sing in my past. I’m well acquainted with the dirges; they have been on my lips for a long time. Happy and merry tunes of my future may be better than them, but I don’t want to leave the tunes I know so well.

I haven’t developed an acquaintance with the tunes of my future good enough to make ms severe all bonds with my past. The dirges of yesteryears appear to be best because I know everything about them. All these tunes and melodies have been in my ears and on my lips for quite some time. There are all chances that what appear to be merry and happy tunes of my future may actually turn out to be worse than the dirges I sung in my past.

My future may hold many tunes better than what I gave an ear to till yesterday, but my affinity with my past is so terrific that there is no way the bond between me and my past can be severed. The bond is going to be quite detrimental to my well-being, but there is no way I can break it. I don’t want to remain glued to all idiosyncrasies of my past; it has some really unpleasant moments the very thoughts of which make me shiver, but life hasn’t given me a lot of options to choose from.

I badly wish there was a way to get over these parts of my life. I wish I there was a way to forget about them.  I wish it were like taking a pill that makes me forget everything in my past, and refreshes me like a good night’s sleep does. The dirges I sang in the past often return to haunt me like a ghost who is believed to return to the living world to complete some incomplete tasks.

There is nothing that can ever be completed by spasms of anger and    frustration I have whenever thoughts of certain parts of my life return to haunt me. They only serve to destroy whatever chances I have of making my present good and noble. These are the days that shall sink into my future one day, and in a way, any frustration I have about my inability to do anything concrete is going to dominate the scene for a long time to come. It is going to be a part of my future too.

I wish there was a way to prevent this from happening. I certainly don’t want my future to be dominated by the fits of frustration, angst and anger that are the order of the day today. I wish there was a way to bury my past in such a way it never ever surfaces in any form. The very fact that my past keeps popping out of my history like jack-in-the-box in all different avatars is quite irritating.

Nothing can be done about this till the time I wade into a future better than my past. I have been reluctant to wade into my future because I feel there can be nothing better than my past. Nothing can have the same shine and sheen as the days that have gone by and left an impeccable mark on my life. More than this, I fear the future may be worse than the past I have been through.

At the same time, time has to move on and write its own story, whether I like it or not. The future is to be embraced in all its various different forms. I do wonder why the world glorifies the past and advocates holding on to it although it itself keeps moving on at a regular pace. I can’t seem to understand why I wasn’t given formal instructions in the necessity of moving on to a future that may hold better prospects than what was in my past and even in my future. I strongly feel it has  been my fault; I failed to interpret the message ingrained in all the messages life was giving me. It wanted me to move on, but I thought its words were advocating my past.

All said and done, there is no particular time set out for those who want to change their future. Anyone can begin anytime, and there is no time better than the present. I must change my present for this is all that is in my powers. The problem has been that my present is a part of what my past was. My past has moulded my present, and unless I incorporate some changes in my past, I don’t think I can ever change my present. I can never change my past, so I don’t think I have powers to change my present and even my future.

I stand helpless before the tirades of time and fate.

May I Get The Reward I Deserve

May I Get The Reward I Deserve
Sounds of life reverberated across the horizon and filtered through the window of my room to my ears. There was a typical sound of a bugle of defeat ingrained in everything that made a sound that night. I had lost one of the most important battles of my life, and I was now destined to be a warrior for quite a long time. a longer and murkier battle awaited me despite my having won many battles of life. I have a vague idea of the future destined for me, a hazy sketch had been drawn before me by a soothsayer, and although I don’t advocate prophecies, events have fallen into place like the different and yet congruent pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

The picture formed by the puzzle is beautiful and quite good, but I have to do my best to make the final picture all the more beautiful. There can  never be an end to the extent to which the final picture can be beautified. There is certainly no end to the number of ways in which different colours from the palette of life can be mixed to give some of the most beautiful colours.

This is probably why most of us spend quite a bit of our lives in trying to make our lives good, better and best. It is only that some of our efforts tend to bring in elements of unhappiness and sorrow in our lives. None of work to bring sorrow and grief into our lives, but this happens by itself. They walk into our lives one fine day whether we like it or not. Happiness is never known to walk along a  straight road. We tend to make all efforts to be happy, but some of our efforts backfire, and we end up with sorrow.

This doesn’t mean one must not make any efforts to be happy in life. It is a gamble everyone has to play with life. Everyone has to move towards happiness in one’s own way, but not everyone is destined to   knock the doors of happiness, and very few are allowed an entry into the quarters occupied by happiness. Everyone knows of this theorem, and yet everyone does one’s best to get the most happiness in life. Some of us do find it in a considerable quantity. Those who do are quite lucky, and those  who get all the happiness they were out for even more lucky. But no one ends up with discovering all that one was out for.

There is always a certain amount of dissatisfaction ingrained in the final results one gets after making efforts to get success and happiness.  No one gets all that was involved in the bargain. Whatever happiness one does get lasts for only a short while. It fades away in a few moments, only to be replaced by the dissonance of not being able to touch another higher target.  It is so exasperating that many of us wonder if the efforts we made for success and happiness were really worth all that we got because they last for only a sort while.

Though the satisfaction of having struck gold at having discovered the door to happiness is only momentary, yet all of us work for it. Having reached the door, we make all possible efforts to open it. If it doesn’t open, there is always a great amount of frustration and exasperation involved, but at the end of the day, all of us manage to creep through the doors to a world of happiness.

 Another closed door appears right at the point the open door terminates. There is a tendency to push open all doors to happiness in life. We do our best to open all doors to happiness, and quite a few do open all doors before us if only for a short while. After all, all of us want to be happy, if only for a short while. All of us want to keep all  doors to happiness open for a long time, although the hinges seem to be fitted with springs that tend to close doors to happiness as soon as they open.

Doors to happiness don’t like everyone, and don’t allow everyone to enter their portals although everyone does manage to peek through some crevices in doors. Whatever they see makes them wish for a broader view  of the scene than what they witnessed through the crack. They do all they can to broaden the crevice in the door; many people are rewarded with a comprehensive view of the happy scene within, while many have to be satisfied with only a small glimpse of it.

At the end of the day, everyone gets to see what lies in paradise, and everyone tends to make efforts for being in paradise. It is a paradox that although everyone gets rewarded in a manner proportionate to the efforts one has made to get to the doors of happiness, there is always a sense of being cheated. None of us gets all the happiness we were out for, although all of us did our best to get it. Those of us who do get some amount of happiness tend to be distracted towards a greater reward. Not everyone deserves the reward that is greater than what we got, but all of us work for getting it in one form or the other.

May my efforts to get the reward I was out for be rewarded in a manner which is proportionate to the efforts I put in to get it.

A Train Pulls In At A Station

A Train Pulls In At A Station
The train was moving at a very fast pace. There were stretches of fields green with expectation rushing by. There was no way possible to pull down the speed at which they were rushing by, although I wanted them to move at a slower speed. A slower speed may have spelt out a different and better scene than the one that was rushing by. The point was that the train was quite late when it had left the station. It was behind schedule, and so, it had to rev up to a terrific speed.

The train had gone berserk once it had crossed the prescribed limit, and it was still speeding up. Apparently, the driver didn’t want any of the passengers to be late for any appointment they were headed for when they ventured for an adventure on the train. The train didn’t end up in an accident, thanks to the driver’s skills at driving, but there was a lot the passengers missed when they realised all they would have been exposed to had the train left in time and had it run at its normal pace.

The delay in departure was sort of pre-destined for the train got to the last station quite late and all the passengers supposed to get on to it didn’t actually find a place on the train in time. Quite a few of them were late in reaching the railway station in the first place, others were slow in climbing the steps to the coaches, while a few didn’t want to get on to the train at all. The train couldn’t possibly leave till all the passengers were on board. It was a long time before everyone on the platform found himself on board, and the guard whistled a green flag.

There were a couple of glitches along the way as there were frequent power-cuts forcing the train to stop for prolonged intervals. None of the passengers could rectify the situation and the train had to wait for an expert technician or engineer to visit it. The appointed technician was engaged in a similar project when the complaint was discovered, and the train was further delayed.

Further, the train’s engine required a bout of fuelling to keep it running over the long stretch it was to find itself on. Remarkably, the fuel available at all other stations wasn’t of a quality good enough to sustain the speed of the engine. So, the train had to pause at the platform it was standing at for a bit longer than it was usual for it to stand. The station had everything the train wanted, but the train had to move on; it couldn’t stay at the platform. There has been a severe dearth of good                    fuel in the world at large and at stations in  particular. The fuelling was managed with the least of fuel available at the platform.

The engine has to have the best quality of fuel and its reservoirs have to be filled to the limit because it is a long journey the train is to embark on. there are chances that the next station may not have the same quality of fuel available, or it may have                        no  fuel at all. It can be a really long time before some more fuel can be filled into the reservoirs.

The problem is there is a limited amount of fuel available at the platform, and the train has to move on in its quest of a junction in a while. The train-driver cannot afford to delay the train. It simply cannot waste any more time on the platform                        standing on. The train is already behind schedule. There are many more junctions to be touched, and each has to be touched within a specified time. No one can afford to waste any time.

Those who chose to waste time end up being wasted by time. They are the ones who find themselves ending up as failures in life. They are made to repent all the time they wasted in a typical manner which is incomparable to any other punishment for any other crime. I don’t think I ever wasted my time; on the other hand, there is a feeling within me that the time I think has been judiciously used in a better manner.

On second thoughts, I don’t think I could have done anything better than what I did with my time. What seems to be a waste of time to me is in fact a judicious use of time. No one got the chances I got, and I don’t think no one shall ever get the chances I got; I’m glad I made a good use of all those chances. I never wasted my time, I never wasted anything.

There is a strong feeling of being incomplete within me primarily because I still haven’t been able to touch a definite destination. There hasn’t been anything wrong with my pace; there can never be anything wrong with the direction I am headed for. I have had very little role in deciding the direction the train is to move in. It moves over a pre-defined track.

The only problem has been that the time appointed for the junction to appear has not come. When a train approaches a platform, it changes many tracks. There are many different tracks available near a platform, and this is certainly a sign of a station approaching. There are quite a few human settlements to be seen before the train pulls in at a station. There are quite a few signs and signals for everyone on the train to watch out for. I hope I get to see all the signs and signals I’m destined to be an audience to in a short while.

I hope the train pulls into the station in due time.

Nothing Shall Be The Same Again

Nothing Shall Be The Same Again
I shall never feel the same again, I know. The feelings that are  part of me as of today shall never be a part of my self ever again. There is a feeling of angst within me for being the last to touch the alleged finishing-line. Somehow, I know the finishing-line shall not be at the same place once I touch it. The location of the point of termination of the race I’m a part of is to keep shifting ahead, I know. Targets in my life art to keep moving ahead once I get to the one I set out for initially.

The shifting nature of the targets I’m to head for automatically points towards a constant change in the pace at which I ought to approach them. My speed is to keep changing several times over the several paths and tracks I’m destined to tread on. Each track is to have difficulties of a different nature, different levels of difficulty are going to be involved in walking over each track. At the end of the day, the race is meant to be a bargain with a lot of difficulties in crossing different tracks to the finishing-line.

The truth remains there is no finishing-line defined for anyone. We have to keep marching on and on in search of a fictive finishing-line. The concept of the finishing-line is meant to keep us moving on a track towards a definite destination, while the destination remains a mirage that keeps shifting ahead. It is meant to make us make efforts to get somewhere in life, and keep making them throughout our lives. Those with a definite destination in mind are the only ones who are ever to get anywhere in life. Those who wander without a definite destination in mind are more likely to end up going round in circles. They are not likely to get anywhere in life.

I never ventured out to go around in vicious circles. I meant to move ahead towards a definite destination in my life. Although no one can see it, I have a deep feeling that I really am inching towards my destination every day with whatever efforts I make to get to it. My destination may fade into oblivion once I reach it, but for me, I’m headed out to touch a point where all my contemporaries already are. It is a basic requirement of life that I'm headed for, and I should touch it one day.

The feelings I have today, of anxiety, of being incomplete and of moving towards a definite destination shall not be here once I get somewhere. They are bound to melt into the pot of success for a while and in a short while, another set of feelings of a similar nature I left behind myself and thought I had bid goodbye to forever are to be a part of me again. The finishing-line is to shift further for me, and I’m going to have to make some more efforts to get there.

But my goals shall be of a different nature from the one they are today. The feelings I have today shall never be a part of me again. I shall always miss them because they were a part of me for a long time. I don’t want to affiliate with them, they are best forgotten, but they shall always surface in my life in one form or the other. This is like holding on to one’s infancy even when teenage and youth are way behind one. It can be and is detrimental to one’s well-being if one doesn’t let go of the past along with all that was a part of it.

The friends I had in my childhood and youth may continue to hold a dominant position in my life, but they are not as important for me today. I have to affiliate with the present, and move on towards a future with novelty and innovation in it. The past has to be done away with like a relic of history. The purpose of teaching history is to learn lessons from the past, not to keep it as an inherent part of oneself.

Ancient and heritage monuments are preserved to serve as reminders of the mistakes we made in the past. They remind us not to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. History never pardons repeat-offenders. It punishes them with quite a severe punishment.

I don’t think I deserve to be punished in any way. I badly wish life were something like what it is for everyone else in the normal course of events. I wish my life had not digressed from the main track over which it had been running, but it did diverge and it has diverged in such a way that it can never ever be back on track again.

 The track I have been walking on is quite different from that over which others have walked on and are already near a destination. I often wonder why I was pushed on different and unique track if there was a shortcut to the destination available. I was pushed to walk on the shortcut to the destination at a very late point of time, when I didn’t have an option but to walk on the track.

Well, I haven’t got an option but to maintain a steady and slow walk over the long route I have been forced to walk on. There may be a different set of stars in another galaxy waiting to be discovered by me. These stars just might be a shade brighter than the ones others have found. This is the only consolation I can give to myself while I trudge over the long and arduous track I find myself on.

I hope I do touch a destination one day.

Shots Of My Life Whizz By

Shots Of My Life Whizz By
The train is moving at a very fast pace. There are stretches of field green with expectation rushing by. There was no way I can ever pull down the speed at which they are rushing by. The terrific speed at which everything is flying by is complimented by the speed at which my thoughts run through my mind. The speed of thought can never be matched by anything in the world, but my thoughts traced the exact path by which the train went by.

There was her sweet face in the aura before me, and I can even hear her voice between the rumbling sound of the rail-engine and the clatter of the wheels against the rails. Her abstract form seems to be beckoning me towards herself. There is a typical way in which she called me. Although I don’t want to obey her, I find myself  moving towards her all the same. I am travelling to Delhi from Lucknow because an impulse directed me to follow the voice and leave my past behind me.

There was a lot of me to be left behind, but the most important part of it was the love-affair I had with my past. I had developed a typical affinity with my past. I don’t seem to be willing to leave it. Quite a few hinges of the door of my life hang on my past. Leaving them is going to be like bidding goodbye to myself, which may even spell out as an end to myself. It is going to be impossible to bid goodbye to my past and move on to a future I don’t know anything about.

The future is something that has to be spelt out clearly before me, and it has to be done in such a way that it includes all the definitions spelt out by my past. My future is only as good as my present and past, I  know. There can never be anything good about my future if my present and past are not spelt the correct way. The impending problem before me is to spell out values of my present in the best manner I possibly can. This is the only way I can be sure of a perfect future.

My present can be made beautiful only if my past has been good enough. It is going to be very difficult to build a strong building if the foundation of the building isn’t good enough. The building has to be strong enough to bear through all the earthquakes that are to be the order of the day in a few days. My past has to be explored into to glean everything that went wrong and when they went wrong.  I badly wish I had done something concrete at the right time. A special treatment would not have been required today had I taken the appropriate steps yesterday.

The weather is going to be quite rough in a couple of days, and the building should be strong enough to bear through all beatings of the weather. There are going to be all kinds of attacks on me that I had never anticipated, and many of them are going to make life all the more exasperating for me. All said and done, there should be something good for the world to see; I should look excellent to the world. All walls of my self should have a good paint and varnish on them so they can stand through all kinds of weather. They should not be spoilt by the rain and hail that they shall have to bear through. There is going to be some rough weather that is going to be quite unbearable for me, but I’ll have to bear through everything with a smile.

Quite a bit of the damage to the walls is done by discrepancies and anomalies in the foundation of the building. Luckily, there have been no anomalies in my case. The foundation of the building should be exposed to all necessary treatments necessary for the foundation to be healthy, fit and fine. Termites are quite likely to strike a base in the foundation if they are not treated properly with anti-termite powder. Luckily, my foundation has been very good. A whole lot of excellent material has been used in making the foundations of my self strong and good, and it has given way to excellent results.

There is certainly a very strong foundation, and this has surely led to construction of some strong walls. The walls have been so strong that they have managed to stand through the worst of attacks made on them. There has been an incessant shelling of mortars and shells on my being, but the strong walls around me have resisted all attacks. Some more powerful attacks on the walls are on the way, and the walls have to be made stronger than they ever were to bear through these attacks. An expert and adept artisan is to step into the picture in a few days to make the walls stronger than ever. A lot is on the way, a major part of the movie of my life is still to be screened, and many more episodes of the serial of my life are yet to be shot.

 I hope the ardour of my life remains as it is despite the great speed at which it seems to be whizzing by through the window of the train I am in.