Farewell To My Past

 

My dear past,
I am incomplete without you; I have been incomplete for quite a long time. The aeons of time defining this duration have been so many that I  have begun to believe an incompleteness is what was ultimately meant for me. I guess I never was meant to be a part of you.

 All said and done, there is an urge within me to complete myself, to be what I understand to be a complete whole, but then, I know this is simply not possible. I’ll have to accept an altered definition of a complete whole, it is going to be difficult, but it will have to be done.

 

The exigencies of time predicted a shape a bit different from what I perceive to be a complete whole for me. It shall not be a complete whole, never, and I will have to live the rest of my life as an incomplete whole, 

I know. I shall have to alter my perception of a complete whole, or live my life as a frustrated and disgruntled being. Some adjustments are hard to make, but they have to be made.

 

I sometimes feel I was never meant to be a complete whole. The point is that my idea of being a complete whole is relatively different from that held by everyone else. My concept of a complete whole means being with you, but this is not possible, I know. We were one at a point of time in history, I wish I could go back to that time.

 

I often wonder if I’m better off with you as a separate being. Had we been one, several events in my life wouldn’t have taken place. There would have been a different world today, with a different value-system in place. 

Many of these altered values may not have been amenable to me, and I might have found myself in a world hostile to me. There really are some values of this world wholly tuned to me.

 

I may not have found such synchronisation had we been together. Some different events would have taken place; I don’t think all of them would have been amenable to me. I wonder if I would have been happier. 

It is happiness all of us strive for at the end of the day. If happiness can ever be measured in metric terms, I don’t think they can have pointed to a higher integer yesterday.

 

All said and done, my past can never be my present, although my present is in a rush to become my past. Dreaming of you, my idealised past, has never been prohibited. It is a long time since we  were together; after all these years, I still miss you. 

Life would have been quite different today had we been together. The world would have been a different place although I wonder if it would have been a better one. I don’t know if such pessimism is ideal.  I don’t think it is. Adherence to the values of this world is what bothers me the most.

 

Let us go to a world where values revolve around a different point, which doesn’t have an iota of gloom in it, eyes that shed tears don’t exist here, a place full of perfections, without an imperfection, and where no one shall ever separate us. 

This is where I want to be only with you, a vacuum is to exist around us, quite like what exists around stars and moon, but not between us. We won’t be separated ever again, we shall swim over streams of ideals till eternity; their waves shall bring us together and keep us together till eternity. This is a world where fairy-tales are enacted, I know, I wish I could be one of their protagonists.

 

A fairy-tale-ending is what I’m looking forward to. This is where I shall get a chance to complete the incomplete self within me, I shall finally unite with you, my past.  We shall certainly fit all pieces of our different lives like the different and yet congruent pieces of a jigsaw-puzzle. 

The final picture is going to be a beautiful one, I know. It won’t be another fairy-tale, it will be something much better, something closer to reality.

 

It won’t take a long time to complete the jigsaw-puzzle, but then, I don’t think time exists in the vacuum where this is to happen: a world without any boundaries, and without the limitations set by time and space. Several new dimensions of time and space are going to make themselves obvious and apparent in this world. 

On second thoughts, I don’t think such a world exists on this earth, so let me take you to a celestial planet beyond all these  stars and  galaxies where no one but you and I shall live happily till eternity.

 

I often feel there are shells of time where different lives are being lived by me. There is a shell of time where I didn’t board the car I was on which hit a truck. It is an entirely different world today, with some different people in it. I wonder if it is any happier than the world I am in today. 

Certain elements of happiness did exist in the other world that couldn’t carry themselves to the world today. I do wonder if the present world is better off without these elements in place. Some queries are best left unanswered, I guess.

 

I know this without you telling me that we are quite far apart right now, farther than two people on different stars.  There can never be any chance of our being one, and yet I often dream of being a part of such a world where we have come together and are one. 

On second thoughts, I don’t think being together is what I want after all. Although you are an inherent part of my life, you have outlived your welcome period in my life.

 

Let us bid farewell to each other.

Should I Stop Dreaming?

Should I Stop Dreaming?
I long to be where life lives. My days are going to be lit with a golden glow when I reach the land of my dreams. I am quite impatient to be where I want to be. I want to walk hand-in-hand with life when I get there.

 

I have been running after life for a long time, but it has always managed to get away from me. I searched for life far and near, but I didn’t find a trace of it in all my adventures over all kinds of mountains and rivers.

 

Life doesn’t live where I am today, I know. I have been moving on to other places to search for it.  I’m sure there exists a place better than the one where I am today. This is where life lives. I wish I could be there now.

 

The track before me is  blocked with barbs and wires more potent than the ones that have been strewn along my path till now. They have certainly created a huge menace. They have pricked me black-and-blue till I cried out in pain. The track till now has been quite uncomfortable, and I fear that what is to come may be even more uncomfortable.

 

All the same, I badly want to move over to a new world, to a world where everything is going to tun out precisely the way I  want it to be. I want to be in a world with people I like and with people who like me. I want to be happy.  I want to be where everyone is happy, content and satisfied. This is going to include me, I am to be the happiest, the most content and most satisfied.

 

I want to live a life full of fun, frolic and happiness. The point is I don’t know where to find it, where to head to and where I am to find an ideal world I want to be in. I don’t know which point of the compass points towards it. There are no sign-posts to guide me to my destination, even google-maps can’t help me out there. The most able postman in the world is going to find it quite difficult to guide me to my destination. I find myself in a fix.

 

My agony is multiplied when I realise my feet are burdened with quite a bit of my past that deters me from moving ahead. It is like carrying a load of lead tied to my feet when I move. My body’s movements aren’t synchronised with movements of my feet.

 

I shall fall over the path before me, I fear, if I continue with the enthusiasm of moving on despite being instructed by the load on my feet not to. I often pant and wheeze with the herculean effort I put in, but the burden tied to my feet doesn’t get lighter. Rather, it gets heavier with every step I take. I wish I could shake it off myself, but I can’t do anything about it; it simply lingers on. I begin to perspire, but I have no choice but to ignore all beads of ivory flowing down my neck.

 

No amount of lead in the world can ever stop me from moving ahead. I am bent on moving on in my quest of an ideal world. The load on my feet only adds to the charm of adventure associated with moving on. It is a challenge presented before me, and I’m out to win this challenge.

 

There is a typical charm of mystery associated with the experience. It makes the experience quite an exciting one despite all the perspiration and efforts associated with it. I sometimes wish my tribulation was not as severe as they are, but second thoughts convince me that their intensity will only serve to sweeten my sense of achievement when I finally get to my destination,  but there is always a fear of failure that threatens to pull me down.

 

A fear of the unknown before me often pulls me back and deters me from making any effort. There is also a wariness that the land I am moving towards may be as bleak as my present is and my past has been. There is a spontaneous urge to give up all efforts.

 

I don’t want to move on even if the load tied to my feet were to dissolve into thin air. Even if this were to happen, there are a lot of other entities that make me pause. As long as there is a chance of a failure before me, I feel I should not move on. I should pause where I am.

 

A whiff of failure makes me wonder if the world is really going to be amenable for me when I finally get to the place I yearn to be in. I don’t think it is. Somehow, I know everything is going to be different and distinct from my idea of an ideal. In fact, I don’t think I am ever to be at the place at all. The ideal is only going to shift ahead and I am to be like someone chasing a mirage in a desert.

 

I badly wish I could reach the fabled oasis before it moves away from me. The mirage before me provides some amount of relief to my eyes pining for a change from a view of a hot, arid and dry desert hovering before my eyes for a long time. It has been such a long time that I can’t recall having seen anything better than what I have been looking at.

 

 I badly want to be in a land of eternal happiness. I want to be there before anyone else gets there. I want to be happy, and I want to be happy before anyone else can be, I want to be happier than anyone else.

 

I hope one day I get to the land of my dreams. This itself is a dream.

 

I hope I stop dreaming soon.

 

                                                                                                   

A Dive Deep Into Her Heart

 

A Dive Deep Into Her Heart
So great was her agitation in finding herself one of his family, and so fearful was she of doing something wrong, and of not being able to preserve everyone’s good opinion, that as the initial excitement cooled down, she almost wished she were home.

 

She felt quite like a queen in a game of chess who has moved over many squares into its opponent’s squares. She wanted to go back to the square she had been on when the game begun, but there wasn’t  a  way of effecting a return.

 

Life had changed in a second, and it was still changing.  She had to be with these people all her life, she had to adjust to their tastes, and it wasn’t going to be easy.

 

It was  a new life for her, everything was new, and the novelty struck her harder than an iron-rod would have hit her head. As a queen, she was to rule over her world, but she had to  carve out her own niche in the family first. It will be done in a few days, she felt sure.

 

Quite like the moves of a queen in a game of chess, she had to wade through my family with deliberation; she didn’t aim at being evil, but she had to find merit in the world around her.

 

It was only going to be some time before everyone around her shifted like different pieces in a game of chess, she was also going to move around, and the game was to be won. It wasn’t going to be very difficult, but it was certainly going to take some time.

 

 She thought of the mystery ahead, she felt sure of winning a lot of life’s games. She had moved on from being my good friend and an obedient daughter to being a good wife. Life had executed a lot of changes within her in a few moments besides her marital status.

 

 It had been quite like a push for her; someone had suddenly pushed her from the Alcama desert in Chile where absolutely nothing exists to a world full of happiness; she had moved over many squares of a chess-board in one go.

 

For a while, she thought of going back to square one. There was security and harmony where home was. Second thoughts convinced her that going back to the row she had left behind wasn’t worth the effort.

 

There were dangers lurking around there: it was under attack by a host of pawns of time. Her past was now gone and lost, she didn’t consider it good enough to be thought of twice. She had moved on.

 

The novelty of life’s new experiences like that of being a new member in a family was gradually fading into the ether, and so was her past. Her parents, relatives and all dreams she had seen in her celibacy were gradually fading into oblivion. The change was quite subtle and minute, and it took her heavy past away.

 

She was glad of it. All that had had a bright and garish texture once upon a time had now been replaced by different entities, each bound by a different glare. She began to wonder if it really was what she had been yearning for ever since.

 

 Anyway, all that was new in her life was quite different from what she had ever seen. At least everything had a different sheen now. She wasn’t sure if this was what she had bargained for, but all that counted was that  she was happy. She was happier than she had been ever before, and this was all that mattered.

 

The change hadn’t brought about an iota of deterioration in her happiness. In fact, she found herself on a higher pedestal than the one she had ever stood on. It was like she had won a football-match and was standing at the top of the podium.

 

 She didn’t feel bad about all the goals she couldn’t strike. The view from where she stood today was a lot better than where she would have been  had she scored all the goals she missed.

 

The ecstasy she found here eclipsed all sources of joy and even of sorrow that missed her. All the same,  she couldn’t have been standing at the point had she not left behind many values. What counted was that she was happier now than she had ever been before.

 

She wondered if the happiness she experienced was because of being where she was, or was it because she had moved on in life. What she had left behind wasn’t exactly bad, but it had begun to create  a dissonance within her with time.

 

 The dissonance had grown quite strong and it was getting stronger. It was a bit difficult to kiss goodbye to all that she once held close to herself, but the  dissonance  they had created within her had become so great that she didn’t have an option but to move on.  

 

Moving on had been quite tough for her initially,  she really didn’t want to leave everything to move on to a different and new station, but the affinities she had till now were gradually being rubbed off by a typical dissonance, she wasn’t left with a choice.

 

She was only to smile at all attractions she held till now like a grown-up looks at toys he or she used to play with in one’s infancy, and this included me!! Quite like her dolls, I too had ceased being an attraction a long time back. The attraction was stronger than earth’s gravitational force at a point of time.

 

She still smiles when she thinks of me. I jump with joy when I realise a typical flame still burns within her. On second thoughts, It doesn’t matter now. The flame had dimmed out when she moved on. All said and done, it isn’t enough to illuminate all gaps between us. A stronger beacon is required, I know.

 

Someone else will surely light it one day.

You Make Life Easier

 

You Make Life Easier
More than a thousand miles lie between us today, although the actual physical distance  between us can’t be more than a hundred kilometres. This seems to be a  space wider than that between infinity and whatever lies beyond it.

 

I don’t think it can ever be measured in positive terms. There is no unit of measurement for what I felt for you while we were together, and nothing can ever define my feelings now that you aren’t with me. I can’t believe it that we are not together any more. I wish I could crush all units of distance and make them bow down before me. I badly wish I could understand your reasons for effecting this separation. I feel so bad when I realise that our hearts have shaken themselves apart. How shall I live the rest of my life without you?

 

The climax had been slowly approaching me ever since, it was inevitable,  I know. There is nothing in the world that can sway the flow of destiny. There had to be an end to our furtive meetings, we couldn’t have gone on forever, we had to go different ways one day. I wish I had realised the gravity of the situation at an earlier time. It is quite tough for me to accept the reality as it is today. I wish I had not built up so many tumults of happiness around you. Exigencies of time didn’t leave a lot of options but to let all of them blow away when the first breeze blew.

 

I have to move on with time and move to greener pastures. They lie away from you. There are a whole lot of greener and better fields before me, they are waiting to embrace me with open-arms. They were what time and fate had destined for me, and I should embrace them, I know.  All the blame can’t be levied on time itself because I too didn’t want to stick to my present. I too wanted to move on, and the dissonance created by your going away made it a lot easier for me to move on.

 

A lot of dark and ominous clouds have been hovering over us for a long time. The air was getting quite stifling. There was a sudden dip in atmospheric pressure and it rained a while back. The sky was literally weeping, but the typical magic spelt out by rain while you were here was missing.  It was like a sunrise without the first beams of sunlight that change the whole world. You were the last drop of tear I had in my eyes. I don’t  weep any more. My eyes have run dry without any tears to shed.

 

This is not the only change that has entered my life. A lot has been  constantly changing  since we were together. My heart doesn’t beat with the same rhythm as it did while we were together. A drum has more blood in its beat than what is pumped out when my heart beats. My blood has not maintained its viscosity since we parted. These effects can now be seen in my eyes.

 

 My eyes seem to measure the distance between all consecutive points, if only to prove that it is shorter than that between us. The distance between us remains the same as it was when you left, but our hearts have now begun to drift apart. I am not really sorry for this change, you can be sure. A part of me wants this distance to be negated, but I can’t do anything positive about it. The distance between us increases like a rubber-band being stretched. I  wish I could keep you with me forever and a day.

 

There are hundreds and thousands of stars visible in the galaxy every night. They are separated by millions of light-years, and yet their separation appears to be minute and insignificant to those on earth. Stars spell out a different message by virtue of their separation. I only wonder what message can be spelt out of our separation.

 

I find myself separated from a part of myself the moment you and I parted ways. I really don’t know how many different pieces of myself are scattered around me today. Each piece wants to tell its own different story in its own particular way. Somehow, I know you too are scattered around yourself in a million pieces. While each piece yearns to tell its own story. Countless aeons of time between each of these pieces tear apart every day to increase the distance between us, the stories get longer and longer every single day, but the distance between us is never reduced.

 

The distance between us is so great now that I find it difficult even to think of you. Spatial distance is certainly proportional to the emotional distance between our hearts. Somehow, I know that the eyes I  kissed so fervently at a point of time don’t even have an idea of me in them now. All the same, I still hold your image in my eyes, although it is gradually fading. Brighter and more vibrant images are going to take its place. The present is a lot better than the past.

 

There was  a time when the present was all that counted. All the rest of my life appeared before me at a huge distance, and the distance made it all the more irrelevant and insignificant before the incumbent moment by your presence. This was when you were here with me. You yourself chose to go away, and it has made the distance longer.

 

Every beam of sunlight that falls on me reminds me of your presence in another part of this world. Somehow, I don’t feel so bad now. The same beams of sunlight remind me that there is the same sun all over the world, and it will continue to rise and shine whether you are a part of my world or not.