I Don’t move

I Don’t move
I winged my way back to my carefree, calm and untroubled youth while I walked home yesterday; my transmutation from my present to my past was quite unprecedented, but welcome. In knew it was only in my mind that I could travel across frontiers of time; it is virtually insurmountable.  In a small way, my walk cancelled all of my existence before the exercise, particularly the part that had ugly pictures.

It was like walking back to my room in the hostel where I spent some of the best days of my life. They appear to be the best to me because this was a point of time when I was in a position to absorb all its nuances in its comprehensive form. There have been and there certainly shall be some more exciting days filled with even more vigour and enthusiasm, but I regard them as some of the best days of my life.

Those carefree days shall never come back in any form, I remind myself, and I don’t want them to be back. There were certain elements in those days I shall not want to be repeated. Most of these negative elements have lost their power and force with the passage of time, but I know there were certain elements I would never like to be back with me in any form. I look upon them as something dirty, filthy and despicable now. They only added to the tension and spoiled the fun there might have been had they not been there. In fact, I don’t want to walk upon any of the paths that once appeared to be lined with a golden hue. They have lost the tint they once had.

There is still nothing better in my present. My present has never been exciting. I have always wanted to move on to a brighter and better future. There is always a typical dissonance within me for my present created by its nuances. It is always generated  shortly after I land in my present. The wings that shall take me to satisfaction and happiness haven’t been made.

I still have to discover a better and stronger adhesive that shall bind me to my present stronger than anything else has ever been able to. My present is where I shall find eternal bliss, I know, but I want to move on. There is an eternal restlessness within me that pushes me on. My wings want me to soar.

I only want to move on to my future now. My future isn’t exactly exciting and attractive, but since I have to move on, my future stands ready to be embraced. I look at my future as my saviour from all my incumbent misery. Had it not been mandatory for me to move on, it would have been an entirely different story. The very thought it could be worse than all that I have been through sucks out all the enthusiasm there should be a part of me when I think of my future.

I know I can never get back to my past, however good it may have been. I shall have to move back in time to touch the glory of these lost days, but somehow, I know I shall never be able to. I often bless my inability to do so. Yesterday had its own typical values and norms. With the passage of time, norms and values have changed. Today has a whole lot of different norms and values. I don’t think it is going to be practical to travel back to my past.

My misery is heightened when I realise my present isn’t comfortable either. Being in the present is quite like walking on a hot bed of coal-fire. There is a typical dissonance for my present that pushes me on, and I simply don’t have a choice but to move on over the bed of fire before me. There are all chances of my future being as bleak or twice as much full of agony, I know, but I have had had enough of my present now. There are other problems awaiting me at the other end of the road, I know, and I only have to cross the road before me to be before them. I don’t know if I would like to be there now.

At times, my future seems to be waiting eagerly to embrace me. I can visualise a world that doesn’t have any of my contemporary problems. There certainly are other problems, and they are of a different nature, but the very difference is what attracts me to them. There is a typical sense of novelty ingrained in them. The sheer sense of novelty is what pulls me towards my future all the more furiously.

The attraction is like that of a magnet. There is a typical desperateness growing within me as I feel myself pulled by my future. My eyes are full of all sleepless nights  I spend thinking of my future. The agony is recorded in the scattered pleats of my bedsheet. I wish someone would notice them.

I have risen from my slumbers. This is when I want to leave everything that fetters me to my present, and rush on to my future. I wish I could. I want to, but I can’t. there is a heavy load tied to my feet that doesn’t allow me to move on. There is no way I can shake off this load. It is too heavy.

I didn’t want to think of my past or even my future now that I am in the security of my home. The very thought lets loose a typical entropy within me. I wish there was a way to soothe even a bit of it. I can feel everything within me running from pillar to post like a lot of madmen let lose. There is simply no way they can be pacified. I don’t want them to be. I have discovered a typical joy hidden beneath all this pandemonium.

I shall remain where I am.

I Trudge On

I Trudge On
Cracks in the sole of my shoes began to manifest themselves as I tread on wet ground. The ground I usually encounter while on a walk isn’t usually wet, but because of frequent rains, it was quite wet today. Water began to seep into my shoes; soon, my socks were soaked in water, and so were my feet. Anyway, I trudge on simply on because there isn’t another option before me.

I don’t know what would have happened had I had a lot of options before me; what I know is that I must trudge on. I don’t have the slightest image of my destination. I don’t need one now. All I know is that if I pause at this juncture, I face the predicament of being comprehensively soaked in water. So, I move on. It does get a bit uncomfortable in a while. Water gradually begins to drag me down to the ground where I stand, but I am determined to move on to a destination I can’t see.

The invisibility of my destination makes it all the more exciting and enticing. I really don’t know what reward awaits me at the end of the road. It is shrouded in a mystery.  The mystery gets deeper and darker as I move on. All said and done, there is certainly a hope that it is something quite exciting and good I shall encounter at the other end, and this is what pulls me towards it.

The very consciousness of it being sought by others makes it all the more precious and desirable. There are times when I rush ahead in the hope of getting to the other end sooner than anyone else. I really don’t know if it is worth any importance I give it. The anticipation of getting to a lot of excitement rises over and above everything I know.  I begin to doubt if touching  a destination is more important than the journey.

A lot of water has found itself in my shoes over a long period of time. It is bogging me down. The journey has begun to become quite uncomfortable. I only have to take off my shoes and the feeling of being dragged down won’t be there, I know. But then, I’m not sure if I want to get rid of the feeling of being pulled down to the ground. It is one of the elements that make me want to fly high, and I really want to fly higher than anyone else.

I don’t think I would have harboured such ambitions had I not been bogged down by so much water and muck accumulated in my shoes. I wouldn’t have wanted to soar high, and I wouldn’t have wanted any wings to fly high. As it is, I want some wings to enable me to fly to a higher point every single day. A lust for these wings is what is going to propel me to fight against the exigencies of the world I live in. I don’t know if it is as important to soar high in the sky as it has been made to appear to me. I don’t know if it is as important to develop some wings to fly high. I sometimes wonder if I should thank Allah for the cracks developed in the sole of my shoes.

Dissonance generated by water beneath my feet has reached a zenith. I shall certainly take off my shoes  when I reach a dry spot, but there  doesn’t seem to be a dry spot in sight. The ground I’m walking on is completely drenched in water. Apparently, it rained a lot last night. The only consolation for me is the sight of a fellow mortal who also finds it difficult to walk because of the intense humid conditions. My heart leaps up through the proverbial rainbow when it spots the shape of a woman pulling herself along. Apparently, she finds it difficult to walk along too.

This is quite like Adam feeling lonely in paradise, and discovering a companion in Eve. My heart skipped a beat, but renewed its daily toil in a while. As I discovered, her progress was also hampered by virtue of her coat which was rendered heavy because it was drenched heavily in rain. Virtually, both of us were waiting eagerly for the clouds above us to clear away and a bright sun to shine.

It is the only way out of our problems, I realised as several aeons of time went by without a ceremony. More and more time is going to pass by, and ultimately, the sun is going to shine in the horizon. Even then, it is going to take some more time before life limps back to normal, before any of us can walk normally.

I sometimes wonder what made me wander out of the security of my home that brought me to the plight I find myself in. I don’t know what prodded her to wander out in such bad weather. Apparently, we were destined to meet in adverse conditions. The latter add weight to the values of our meeting. We met when both of us were pining for the sun to shine. Sorrow makes strange bedfellows, it is said. The bad weather certainly brought us together, and I hope it is going to keep us together for  a long time. It would certainly have been a different story had the weather been good.

I managed to wriggle my feet out of my shoes, while she threw away her wet coat in disgust. I found myself barefooted in the swamp around me, while she found herself battling elements of nature with only her clothes that were getting wet with every aeon of time that passed by. My shoes were not in a position where I could find myself in again, while her coat was wet beyond any point of recovery. Practically, we were helpless before whatever Allah had destined for us. I have never had powers to counter my fate; I didn’t have them now either.

I simply trudge on in quest of a higher zenith.

A Sweeter Experience

A Sweeter Experience
Love is the sweetest experience I have ever tasted. I don’t think I want my taste-buds to taste anything else now. Nothing can be sweeter than love. My quest for the holy grail has come to an end. I only wonder why it took a long time for me to be in touch with such a beautiful emotion as love. I was kept away from the sweet nectar for no apparent reason. On second thoughts, there has been an incessant delay in almost everything I have got; I have got all I have wanted from life, but its delivery to me in whatever form it has been presented before me has always been delayed beyond my imagination, although never beyond the range of my tolerance, and love has certainly not been an exception.

We had to fall in love at the same time, and we fell madly in love with each other. It was almost a spontaneous and impulsive reaction to the demand of the incumbent time. The time had come when we had to forget our past and move on in quest of a future that held us together.

 Our experiences with our pasts had not been very bad, there certainly were some beautiful moments, but they had come to a point where they needed to be erased completely before some new and better experiences were transcribed on the slates of our memories. We were going to regard all of our past experiences as teethers and soothers given to babies to help them grow their teeth. We were going to create some more memories some of which are going to be as beautiful while most are going to be even more beautiful and memorable than those swirling through our minds now.

Only love has the potency required for this miracle to happen. The appointed time for us to be in love was here, and the two of us were destined to be together for a long time, longer than anyone could ever think of. It didn’t require a reason or rhyme, but we fell head over heels in love with each other simply because the appointed time was here. I often wonder why it took such  a long time in happening.

The time for it to be with me was destined and decided in advance. It had always been creeping up to me in one form. I had been unaware of its progress. I never knew when the time was finally here, but it was here. It simply pounced on me in all its pristine forms. It was a deep pit both of us wanted to be at the bottom of which. The pit was to be filled in with love and it was to cover both of us completely. Somehow, I knew we were destined to literally bathe in love.

We had to fill the pit with our love before anything else, and luckily, we had quite a bit of it flowing between us. It was enough to fill in the gap over our heads while we stood at the bottom of the pit. The bottom wasn’t very far off from the top, but it appeared a long way off to both of us. Luckily, we had ample quantity of love to fill it with. We only needed to generate some more love with each passing moment if it fell short; I wonder if this is a tough proposition.

The point I couldn’t understand at the moment was that we shall have to go through a lot before we actually fell in love with each other. The whole world was to be tackled before anything concrete could happen at this front. A whole lot of the world was to be confronted, and it was to be done in all its different avatars it chose to present itself in. None of us can never control any of its different forms. The differences had their origins in our histories. There is  a whole lot of history to be dealt with before we can control our present.

A lot of stories had to be brought to an amicable end before initiating the one that was to begin. For a while, I felt bad about all these stories that couldn’t develop beyond the story-board of a movie-director. The story-board-artist had visualised several twists and turns in these stories, but all of them have to bite the dust. The visuals simply didn’t comply with the final message the director wants to convey through the movie.

I sometimes wonder if there are different shells of time where different  story-boards are being enacted. One such enactment contains all those scenes the story-board artist had initially visualised. There is a shell of time where the two of us meet and are together. I can see both of us holding each other’s hands tightly as time insists on flowing on.

Time stops at this instance and doesn’t move ahead. We hold each other’s hands, and keep holding them. The next moment is simply not going to come because it doesn’t exist. We live our entire lives in the present moment while we hold each other’s hands. There is only love that binds us tighter than the strongest adhesive. Our love is translated into ecstasy which stays with us for a long time, perhaps longer than any of us are to live. All the rest of the world simply disappears from our conscious and subconscious minds leaving the two of us to ourselves. Just the two of us exist in this shell of time, and we rule the roost here.

 There is another shell of time where the movie plays itself exactly as per the director’s commands. One of the plays enacted in these different shells of time shall certainly have a happy ending. Lovers shall certainly embrace each other, and in another shell of time, they shall not. We shall be one, albeit in a different shell of time.

Is This Life Better?

Is This Life Better?
I was about to win the most important game of my life when she decided to leave my side. She couldn’t have chosen a worse time. It was  a point of time when I needed her company more than anything else; it was more than a shock for me when I realised she is not to be a part of my reality anymore. It took some time before the truth settled within me; but finally, it did settle within me like silt deposits on the bank of a river. It was to stay there for a long time like an anchor of a ship traveling across an ocean that had paused its engines. 

She was going to occupy a large part of my subconscious mind for  a long time to come, I know: the ship was to remain there for a long time. There was no way I could ever deny her the honour. It was going to be quite tough for me to put up without her now for she had become an integral part of my life in the past several years.

She had been instrumental in bringing me to the point where I stand today as a victor in my life. She was the one who had been the driving force behind all my struggles. Moving ahead is quite a tough task for me now without her. My world  virtually begins with her and it end with her too. I have battled with light and darkness in all their different shapes and forms, but all my struggles seem to have been futile now that she isn’t a part of my life any more. The sun seems to have lost quite a bit of its warmth and shine.

There was a time when the whole world seemed to be opposed to me. My fate was against me, my friends were  against me, everyone seemed to be my enemy, and yet I fought desperately through everything that came my way. I now realise that I only wanted to be able to retain her company by my side. I  loved her more than anyone else in this world. She had become more precious to me than any other possession in my world. I yearned for her company just as a thirsty Bedouin pines for a few dregs of water while in the deserts of Arabia. My feelings were reciprocated by her too; I know she also loved me as much as I did. She was prepared to plunge into the deepest ocean with me if I accompanied her. Apparently, I was wrong.

Today, all these emotions appear to have gone into a waste-bin. There was a faint, dim and yet sure sound of her voice accompanying every move I made till a while back, and the voice prodded me on to my goal. I don’t think I would have been at my goal or anywhere even near it had it not been for her voice prodding me towards my goal. She moved on to  a different destination once I had got to mine. She moved on to a place far better than where I am. Her voice has got dimmer and dimmer with the passage of time, but is still prominent in my world. She has moved far away from me now, but her voice still echoes and reverberates through my being while her presence stands taller than all those around me.

I have a larger than life image of the lady of my life. She has always been and she shall always be the greatest source of joy I ever had. Had it no been for her prodding me ahead and provoking me to make consistent efforts for a better today. I may not have moved ahead with such intensity that has possessed me for the past few years. She created a powerful magic without even a magic-wand. I wish there was a way to recreate even a bit of it and unravel whatever effect it had on me all over again. I shall certainly look into all bins for all magic-wands required for this to happen.

There has been a tremendous amount of angst surrounding everything I do and everything I have because I have been unable to find any magic-wands.  I wish I could thank her for the magic she created over me. I  want to make her feel special just as she made me feel good. There are  a lot of things I want for her, but she has moved ahead to another apex. I feel like a wizard who has been deprived of an audience which cheers at whatever tricks he performs. The poor wizard doesn’t understand why he has been dealt with such a handicap. It makes him inferior to everyone in his world of magic.

His world of magic is all he has. He knows only about this world. A world outside this world of magic practically  doesn’t exist. He doesn’t want to know a better world. All that counts right now is that she isn’t with him anymore. I look around me every now and then, I peep into my past and my future; perhaps she is lurking somewhere in some annals of time, but my vision never encounters a positive result.

In a small way, this has proved to be a blessing in disguise for me. Had she been with me for my lifetime, I would have regarded the security of all those years I spent with her as the final and ultimate reprieve from all anarchy ever around me. I would never have made any efforts to move on to the point where I stand today had she not shown me how to walk. Practically, she taught me how to run.

I consider an iota of success in future life a dim possibility because she is not going to be with me. My world ends where her presence ends.

I’ll live a better life now all the same.