Is This A Dream?

Is This A Dream?
Signs of sabotage were clear. The bedsheets were crumpled up revealing the number of times the sleeper had tossed and turned in my bed. It was a clear display of the sleeper’s disturbed state of mind. Someone had been lying in my bed and all night and a host of feverish dream had racked his mind. For  a moment, I wondered who the culprit could be, but the very next moment I realised that it was me .A delirium had visited me last night, and I wasn’t aware of it when I opened my eyes in the morning!!

I’m not sure of the verbal symbols that left my mouth while I rolled around in my bed. There must have been sounds symbolising her name. Somehow, I know for sure it were her thoughts that had riddled my mind last night. She had been a part of my subconscious and conscious self for the past two years. She was now someone more than an ordinary person for me.

We had kissed each other for the first time yesterday!! The society we live in imposes a lot of restrictions on celibates, and both of us had violated some of them the day before. The first few moments after the realisation of the deed I had done filled me with exhilaration and elation; I had braved against societal norms----I had crossed a frontier that had been off bounds for me till now. I didn’t have a permission from anyone, I didn’t need one, and I had violated a model code of conduct. There was a feeling of guilt hovering within me, but till someone nabs me and convicts me of the crime I had committed, I remain as unblemished and pure as aab-e-zam-zam.

I felt sure I had not committed a moral crime. There had been certainly been an amorous contact between our lips, and it had been for quite a long time, but it had not been any lust on either side. A huge amount of love lay between the two of us, while only a small part of it had been expressed through a contact between our lips. A lot of it remained unexpressed and repressed within both of us, it was dying to come out and express itself.

We were gasping and panting for breath as we held each other in a tight embrace behind a wall. A typical euphoria gripped both of us, and to our despair, it vanished in a short while. We wanted more of it, but there were some principles imbibed within both of us that kept us from seeking more of it.

Tons of excitement and ecstasy were transcribed on our faces; we pulled in a few more puffs of air only to let go a short while later. There were hundreds and thousands of such puffs of breaths exchanged in the few seconds we were together.

The mere thought of these moments sends a smile smirking over our faces today.  There was a wall that shielded us from society, but we wished all walls would dissolve while we were together. We didn’t want there to be any wall between us.

Both of us were on the verge of violating all societal norms and ethics, we were prepared to let go of everything that bound us till now, we were about to plunge into a cauldron of sin and shame when a voice from within reminded us of certain principles imbibed within us a long time back. They held us from committing a carnal sin even as a voice within us egged us to shatter the glass wall of societal restrictions and traditions between us. It was a tough call, but it was taken.

I wonder if we were correct in the decision we took. I wonder what would have happened if we had broken the glass wall between us yesterday. None of us would have been  as dissatisfied as we find ourselves today. There would have been  different feelings of joy in addition to those we found when we kissed as if we had captured another citadel.

The knight still successfully guards his citadel.

Love Gets Another Definition

Love Gets Another Definition
She wasn’t contesting a beauty pageant, but I was already on my way to give her all sorts of awards and prizes I thought she deserved for being the most important lady in my life. I don’t know if she was the most beautiful lady I’ve known; I have known several others as good looking and even better looking than her, but she certainly was the most important person in my life. All said and done, looks didn’t matter a lot as long as there was love between us, and there was quite a bit of it screaming its presence between us louder than a pressure-cooker’s whistle.

I couldn’t help thinking she deserved a lot more than what she had found in me. She deserved to be among stars. While I find myself submerged within the ground myself, I can never propel anyone among stars. She deserved a higher level of honour I can ever bestow upon anyone. She is already on the highest point on a podium  I have in my mind.

She deserved the best of everything in the world, and I was willing to give her everything I possibly could. I began to feel bad when I realised she deserved a lot more than whatever I could give her. It was certainly not the best. I was quite surprised when I realised she was content and satisfied with whatever little I was able to give her.

There isn’t much I can give her except my love and attention. Though this seems to be puny to me, yet it suffices all she wants from me. It made her feel important. I shall make sure her importance in my life is revised before her every single day. this makes her feel happy, and this is what I want.

I did my best to keep her happy and contented with what she had. Her biggest asset is me, and I hope to be able to prove my mettle in the years to come. Being satisfied with what one has spreads a feeling of contentment within oneself. It is the best way to feel good. Being thankful to Allah for what one has is the best way of feeling good. I thanked Allah for her presence in my life, and somehow, I know she expresses her gratefulness in her own way.

I want her to feel good about herself and her existence. I want her to smile, and I want her to  smile for a long time. Her smile is going to make me happy, and it is going to keep me happier than anything else. This is a complimentary relation that I have to understand to its comprehensiveness. I have to be happy myself, for my happiness is going to propel happiness within her. Everyday, I look for avenues to make myself happier than I was yesterday for I know this way, I am only making her happier than she ever can be.

This is how I learn that her smile is not the only entity that can propel happiness into her soul, and it can keep her happy for a longer time.  I need to ascend higher grades of happiness if I want her to be happy. The converse theorem is true too as she needed to smile and she had to do it quite often to make sure I was happy. I don’t think the realisation of this fact propelled her to any heights higher than where she already stood. She was very down to earth, firmly rooted to her roots, and yet I can see her over and above everyone I have ever known.

Unconsciously, I was thrown ahead by time for a short while, and thankfully, I was brought back to my present day too. I realised I had been dreaming about her while I held her photograph before me. Her silent photograph pronounced some more words than I did while I looked at it. In a small way, I am thankful for the silence I maintained because there is no one to pay heed to my cries.

She is still a dream.

Sweeter Than Honey

Sweeter Than Honey
She appeared to be sweeter than honey till a few days ago. This was when I wanted to taste a wee bit of her and make sure. I only had to kiss her to be sure. I didn’t know what her reaction was going to be when I placed my maiden symbol of love on her. I don’t know how many such symbols of love had been placed on her at earlier instances. I didn’t want to know. It wasn’t relevant.

I wonder if similar thoughts ran through Adam’s mind before he kissed Eve for the first time. Eve must have been a bit perplexed before she comprehended the implication of Adam’s gesture, but I know a thrill ran down her being when she realised Adam loved her. It must have been the greatest feeling she had ever experienced.

I am sure she blushed to the roots of her ears when Adam made his gesture. I was before someone better than the first woman on earth. She had a comprehensive knowledge of all symbols used by humans ever since. But she had her own set of demerits. for the time being, I didn’t look at the bundle at my feet; my eyes were focussed on stars.

I had idealised her as a perfect being who was going to pull me out of all my miseries. I had been through what appeared to me to be a lot.  I don’t know if I should use a superlative degree of comparison here or a comparative degree. All the same, my subjective experiences were belittled by her presence before me.

I was beholding perfection incarnated while these thoughts ran through my mind. She was a fairy-queen who only had to wave her magic-wand in the air to make all of my miseries disappear into thin air. I had clung on to this idea for  a long time. I was going to witness all this come true in a few days.

For a while, I wondered what her reaction was to be like I got to know I was not the ideal and perfect man she had dreamt of being with. I don’t know what sort of dreams ran through her mind in her celibacy, and how many of them were going to come true in the many days we were to be together. Some of them were already dying a slow death, while a others were going to bite the dust soon, I know.

I had discovered quite a bit of her in the past few days. She was certainly not the ideal woman I had had in my mind. She was like anyone else. She had her own set of merits and demerits. She wasn’t the ideal and perfect being I had borne in my mind for a long time, but she was certainly someone special in my life. Practically, I was prepared to accept the worst even before I thought of planting my first kiss on her. I was going to give all my love and attention to her.

Love has the power to  throw such a strong flood-light on lovers that all positive and negative traits of their characters are brought to the fore. We were in love, or at least I was in love with her. I’m still not sure if this can be said to be true of her too, she never confessed anything, but I feel sure my feelings were reciprocated in the same coin. It shall bring forth all positive and negative qualities in her, and she shall not be the mystery she was when I thought of kissing her for the first time.

 All the same, I had little doubts that she was going to ring some new bells in my life. I badly want to hear some new chimes ringing in a new era in my life, but I have been only waiting for my future to be here. I can never have done anything more about it.

I only hope the bells she rings chime longer than any other bells that have ever echoed within me.

Your Smile

Your Smile
A bit of water on the roads was a reminder of a few drops of rain that had blessed the earth last night. A thin sheet of water was still present on the road when I woke up.  Everything around was reflected in the mirror created by nature. A lot of my past lay there on the road before me too beside cars and rickshaws, but I could do little more than look at it.

Quite a few ripples appeared on its surface while a strong breeze blew over it. There was her sweet face reflected on the water on the ground, but details of our separation were more clearly written on it. I didn’t want to look at any of it, but I wasn’t given a choice.

Life has seldom given me a lot of options to choose from. There have only been a few intricate algebraic equations before me. I still am not sure what made me opt for equations that were completely inexplicable. I should have opted for some easier ones, but as it is, I didn’t. I badly wish I could go back to my past and make a choice again.

I didn’t want to look at even a reflection of my past now that it was all gone and over. There hasn’t been anything really very good about it; I really want to forget all about my past now. I want to move on, but I have to look at it reflected on the ground before me today. Life has given me such a huge bit of its merits in all forms every day that I have to look upon my past as effective gradations that have led to the present situation.

I have been a witness to so many events in my past and so many people in my past who have contributed to my present, and almost all of them are reflected on the water on the ground before me. There are some people I want to cherish, but there are also several people I want to obliterate from my mind in a comprehensive manner. Like the bad fish that make the entire pond dirty, these people have corrupted my memoirs. I badly want to forget all about my past. I want to move on to a future that has different people and different problems in it.

On second thoughts, I don’t think I would like to move on to a future that might have an equally intricate and dense pattern of problems in store for me. I’m simply terrified by the mere thoughts of having to face any sort of problems in my future. I shall have to be before some problems in future, I know. There is no way I can escape from any of them.

The only point of merit is I know a lot of solutions now, but I shall be before some entirely new problems, I know. The only difference is that they are going to be before me in an entirely new and different atmosphere now. Life is going to go aboard a new platform now, where there shall be a lot of   fresh problems every single day, like there have always been. The novelty is going to tone down their severity a bit, but it too is going to fade off in a few days.

A solution to my problems boils down to the fact that I shouldn’t have any more bad dreams. A simpler solution to this is never to go to sleep. But this is going to make my life all the more difficult.

I want to live my life like a king. I want to dream of being a king even if I can’t be one.

Only a smile from her shall be enough to change my world, and I know she will smile at me for a long time.

The Walls That Crushed Me

The Walls That Crushed Me
It was a prison I found myself in. its walls were bent on converging in on me, and were about to crush me to quite a painful death. Thorns appeared to line all its walls; they threatened to pierce through me even before I realised the consequences. I let out a shrill cry in agony and anticipatory pain, but I was well aware that all my pleas were destined to fall on deaf ears.

The very thought of being stabbed by thorns was stifling me every second I spent in my room. My thoughts were compressed to a miniature portrait of Mona Lisa dangling in my room. They derived importance and significance because I gave it to them. I  only had to shift my thinking to another entity, and all the thorns and even the  walls they found themselves on were going to vanish into thin air. Here was a simple solution to my problems, but for the time being, I kept it at bay.

There had to be a way out of the mess I found myself in, and I had to find it soon if I wanted to survive and thrive. The walls and thorns were converging at their typical pace while I looked on. I wish there was a way possible to elongate whatever distance lay between me and them in an attempt to slacken down their speed, but I was doomed to meet my end in a typical manner that day.

The converging walls were surely going to squash me in their embrace. I felt bad when I realised whatever amount of pressure the four walls of my room were going to apply on  me in a     few moments was going to crush me to pieces, but it wasn’t going to affect my problems in any way. They were to live on like they had partaken of an elixir.

I badly wanted to get out of my room. I didn’t want to be crushed to pieces the way it looked like would happen in a few moments. The only avenue of exit possible at the moment appeared to be through a window, the door being blocked by a heavy divan. Even a part of it couldn’t even be swung open. I thought of an exit again. I only had to move towards the window and jump out of it.

But it was not as simple as it was said. Practically, it was going to be another ordeal I had to go through. I had been through several rough and tough times through my life, but the one before me appeared to be the toughest. Finding a solution appeared to have been made all the more important because it seemed to be the  final frontier to be crossed before I was in front of my goals.

Right now, there were strong prison walls around me. Getting across them was what meant the world to me. It hardly mattered whether  I leapt over these walls, or I went through them, what counted was that I should get out of my contemporary state of forced confinement. It hardly mattered whether these walls were converging in on me, or they were diverging in another direction. What counted was that I should get out of my room. Time was running out at a rapid pace.

Getting out of the room was going to involve a lot of strain and exertion on my part. On second thoughts, I don’t think it is worth all it the effort I shall have to make. Practically, I am tired and exhausted by whatever I have had to do to stay away from the converging walls. I’m terrified at the same time by the mere thoughts of being crushed by the walls of my room.

I haven’t got an option but to stay  where I am, and make some more efforts to get out of my room. I know my efforts to get out of my room won’t be rewarded in any manner, these walls shall eventually crush my bones, but I don’t budge from my place.

I’m crushed to pieces in a short while.

After A Comprehensive Dialogue

After A Comprehensive Dialogue
I exchanged a couple of words with my image as I stood before a mirror even as I did my best to pay attention to some reverberant summons of a muezzin calling from a masjid nearby.  I was torn between an impulse to respond to the last call and a call from my ego insistent upon conducting an immediate self-analysis. It was quite a tough decision to make: both voices resonated within my being quite loudly for a long time making my indecisive state all the more difficult. 

A lot of unsolved intricate mysteries of my past were reflected in the mirror before me begging for a solution. The syllables I exchanged with my image were an attempt to solve at least some of them even as a large part remained unsolved. The sounds blazing through the loudspeaker in the masjid were another set of syllables signifying a call to solve another mystery. A crisis was created within me by my moment  of indecision.

I wonder if this is the first time I was before such a situation. I am certainly made of a lot of experiences spread all over my life. Many people and many events had changed me and are constantly changing me every single day of my life. Everything contributed to the final person I am today. All of them were reflected in this image I saw in the mirror.

I heard a lot of different voices in my reflection too.  There was a distinct voice of everyone I had met till now. Everyone was pronouncing different syllables signifying different solutions to some mysteries I saw reflected in the mirror before me and even those I heard through the window emanating from the masjid. Several other mysteries begged for a solution, but I couldn’t possibly solve all. I had to choose a few, and my choice is to decide who I am.

At times, it is hard to distinguish between me and my image in the mirror and, at present, it hardly mattered; but somehow, I knew both stood for different persons. The two had parted ways a long time back. The difference was such that they had become entirely different individuals with different personalities.

I soon realised I stood before a different person every day while I stood before a mirror every day. While my image was all about my past and experiences, my real self is about my present. My present self is a dynamic entity constantly in flux while my image reminded me of all mistakes I had made, my real self absorbed all these lessons of life. These mistakes were not to be repeated ever again in any form. My real self found it a bit hard to absorb the very fact that  I had made all these mistakes, but a conflict at the incumbent moment isn’t going to serve any purpose. All said and done, I have yet to learn a lot from my experiences.

All my experiences do count and are really important, but what matters the most now is the part of me that stands before my reflection, It should learn all lessons of life from its master. My present self and all that I do today shall assume importance only if I learn all lessons of life my past wants to give.

While half of me wanted to respond to the call from the masjid, the other half wanted to be with my image for a longer time. I remained in this position, looking at my image in a mirror, for a long time. Someone might say I had fallen in love with it.

At the end of the day, a complete set of sentences were exchanged between the two entities for a long time. I made sure my dialogue with my image was a comprehensive one, a healthy debate took place, but I walked over to the masjid a while later.

Leaping Over A Rainbow

Leaping Over A Rainbow
What made her different was precisely what made her beautiful. I was thunderstruck when I realised she was different from everyone else in her own typical way. This can be said to be true for all of us, everyone is different and unique in his or her own particular way, but in her case, it sounded a louder and brighter bell than it ever had. I wish there was a way possible to add to the symphony created by her presence in my world.  

I was bent on discovering the sweetest chord of the orchestra screaming in all decibels around me. I looked at her again and again, but she held her cards quite  close to herself. There was a typical catharsis singeing through me while she looked at me through an artificial veil let down by tradition, which was thrown up the very next moment. She had beautiful eyes; it certainly wasn’t the only point of merit she possessed, but they made her all the more beautiful. And once again, it certainly made her stand out of the rest of the crowd, those in the room, and even those without. I let out a deep breath as if I had come to  a station I was headed for, and I was here after a lot of deliberation.

My heart jumped over heights Wordsworth’s heart did when he saw  a  rainbow in the sky. I now realise the proverbial rainbow may have to be raised a bit higher to provide a comfortable gap between it and the height my heart wanted to leap to. I leapt a bit higher with joy: she wasn’t going to vanish in a jiffy like all good things in my life.

She was to be with me for a  long time, and a longer time than I ever wanted her to be with me. we were to cross all frontiers created by time together, and somehow, I feel even time was going to bow down before us. It will be more of a concerted effort now that we no longer were celibates. I wanted to pump all these values and many more into her but I realised she was sleeping beside me. nothing could be done without shaking her out of her slumbers, and I certainly didn’t want to disturb a miracle that lay by my side.

I kissed her on her closed eyes, to initiate a whole lot of dreams behind those closed eyelids. I know they were going to have me behind them as their sole protagonist now. There had been several other protagonists till now, but all of them were to be replaced by only me. I did pause to wonder at the speed at which the transformation had taken place, it gave me a typical satisfaction to be valued as important.

All ideals and values she held in her celibacy are going to be revised now. She has an entirely new set of dreams now. I wonder if she dreams of Zeenat. On second thoughts, Zeenat doesn’t figure anywhere else except behind my closed eyes. She is all set to chase her new dreams till they run to an end, and I shall make sure I am also with her when she touches the finishing-line. 

The truth is we are never to reach  a finishing-line because there simply isn’t one. What we have in our minds is a fictive one, and its purpose is only to make us make more efforts to get to an end every day. it is going to move ahead every moment ; a new dawn announces the beginning of a new day in our lives every day, and every day is going to be as beautiful as she is.

Sounds I Heard, But She Couldn’t

Sounds I Heard, But She Couldn’t
Her words spoke louder than the enormous silence between us. They came out  without her moving her lips. Her eyes said it all, and yet her words resonated within my being for a long time. Possession of her secret gave me a typical thrill. She had confessed her love for me. it was the first time she had said she loved me, and, although I knew it all along, it sent a typical thrill down my spine.  

it felt like being born the very day. I was prepared to die again and again if only to be born again and again in a similar manner. If I was to hear her confess her love for me, I was prepared to lend all my ears to her. At the same time, it felt like I was empowered with a secret weapon to be used against her anytime I wanted to. She was looking at me, and in a short while, I comprehended all secrets her eyes wanted to articulate which her lips couldn’t. They were meant only for me; I felt honoured when I realised this. She lowered her gaze the next moment.

Her lowered gaze spoke louder than her confession. She raised her eyes for another moment to look at me through the latticed windows of her life while I was at the other end. Quite a few secrets were visible through the window: I wanted to absorb all of them within myself, but she was not willing to let go any of them. She held all of them so close to her heart that it wasn’t hard to hear their stifled screams. All the same, I’m glad I hold her biggest secret---that she loves me!

I never knew she harboured any amorous designs for me till that moment; it was a surprise for me. All the same, I felt myself up in the air the very next moment. A typical thrill ran down my spine at this realisation. She had trusted me with a secret, and I wasn’t going to betray  her trust.

I was going to love her too, and love her with an equal intensity. I made up my mind to bestow all my secrets upon her. There are quite a few of them she is not going to like. I shall not share them with her. I made a firm determination. They are like the extra pieces of a jigsaw-puzzle supplied with the rest meant to confuse anyone solving it. They can never confuse her, I feel sure. She has her own secret way to get to the final picture. She is all set to fill-in some of its most important pieces by virtue of her love.

 She herself is a missing piece of a jigsaw-puzzle all of us search for to complete a dream all of us see every day. Several different people shall have to contribute to the final effort put into its completion. I am determined to complete the picture in a record time, but there are so many missing pieces in the jigsaw-puzzle before me that I often doubt whether I can ever complete the picture.

I felt I had come  a step towards my goal when I read her confession in her eyes, but I might as well be wrong in interpreting her signs. After all, she is only one of the thousands of pieces required to complete the picture. All said and done, she is one of the most important pieces.

I wonder if she heard all sounds made by my palpitating heart throbbing wildly to pronounce my feelings. I don’t think so.

Laying A Stronger Foundation

Laying A Stronger Foundation
There was nothing mystical about her, she wasn’t a sorceress about to turn me into a frog, and yet she had the very essence of black-magic in her eyes.  Somehow, I know she held the power to wave her magic-wand over my past and make it shine like a gold mine. I only have to be in her company, and it is going to change my world, I know. I want her to be in my world and change it forever and a day. Her mere presence and her company are going to work miracles for me, I know this. I yearned for her just as a mad man yearns for a  life without lunacy till a while back.



There was an innocence of babies brimming over the edges of her face while she looked at me with her eyes full of a magic-potion. I didn’t count seconds while she looked at me without blinking her eyes, she was trying to bewitch me with her stare that stretched to an eternity. The baby wanted me to love it till it blinked its eyes, till eternity, and there wasn’t an obstacle present to hinder my prospects at this front. I was prepared to look into her eyes forever and a day. I love babies, I love all babies, and the one before me was a special one in my life.



I wanted to cuddle the baby in my arms for a long time, and kiss it for a longer time. She was a special baby, who was going to love me too. I really don’t know if babies can understand what love is, and whether they can feel being loved or even if they can love. I don’t think so. This one was going to feel everything I want babies to fee l like when I hold them in my arms.



Unlike other babies I love to cuddle in my arms, she was going to love me too, although I can never be sur if she was going to love me with an equal or even more passion. There is no way one can plumb the depth of anyone’s heart when one loves someone, but I have always wanted to calibrate the catharsis I experience when I hold a miracle in my arms. I was so close to the experience, and, once again, I didn’t have a metre to measure love. I have always wondered if infants can feel a catharsis similar to what I experience when I hold them in my arms. Perhaps this one was going to give me a feedback I have always wanted.



She is going to go through a similar experience when I hold her in my arms, I am sure, but I shall never know if it is more ecstatic or if it is deficient by even a slight degree of measurement. I shall have to be content with the high I experience while I hold her in my arms. The joy is going to be with me for a long time. It is going to be dwarfed  every day when we are pushed to a new zenith.



We shall form new values and principles every single day as we discover a new height. All heights we touched in our celibacy shall appear to be infantile soon. All anchors that held us to our values in our celibacy shall be replaced by stronger ones that shall bind us to our new values with a stronger gel.



We shall lay the foundation of a new world. I hope it is a strong one, and a stronger structure finds itself over it.

The Fireworks Within

The Fireworks Within
Gates of Lucknow Metro coach slid open as the train pulled into the station. A lot of people got off the coach, and one of the faces belonged to her. A typical ecstasy ran through me whenever I saw her in my past, and it visited me once again after a long time. I didn’t know what her plans were after her adventures on the Metro. I had to hop on the metro to go home, and found myself facing her on the platform. I’m sure she got the biggest surprise of her life that day when she found me standing before her.

Looking at her was like looking at a waterfall from a distance. It was rumbling and roaring while it enacted its show, but from where I saw it, it was as silent as a mouse. Thousands of crackers must have exploded at the same time within her while she stood before me, she made a herculean effort to hide all that was within her, and succeeded to some extent.

She had created a lot of tumults in my heart once upon a time; many of them had brought thunder and lightning to a calm and quite clime. I’m dead sure her heart palpitated wildly at my sight too; there were some distinct sounds manifested on her face in the form of a faint frown. they confirmed all this, but, like a waterfall seen from a distance, she was quite calm and quiet while she was before me.

The Metro coach I entered was also calm and quiet like a waterfall seen from a distance. There wasn’t space enough for everyone, and yet everyone was on board to go somewhere. The city began to whizz by in a few seconds, it reminded me of all that I had been through in the past few years. All of it was a part of my history quite like the landmarks in Lucknow that were being erased in a jiffy by virtue of the Metro’s speed.

Had I been able to pause the speeding train, I am sure I would have seen quite a bit of my past quite clearly. We had met in a similar train about an year back. I had her face in my mind because of her typical eyes: they uttered words a lot louder than her silence. She was quite chirpy and outgoing when we met last time, while I remained in a shell, like I usually do. There certainly wasn’t an element of commonality between us, but this was precisely what pulled us together.

She told me about her entire family without my enquiring about it. There were quite a lot of elements of tension and turmoil in the ranks of her family. I did listen to her words, but they aroused a curious dissonance within me. At this point of time, I looked forward to looking out of a window to see a calm and quiet ocean without any rumbling waters or stormy waves. The portrait she painted of her family wasn’t what I wanted to look at. I didn’t want to have anything to do with her, but she kept inching into me. I don’t know why, but I gave in.

She stood before me again today reminding me of the earlier contact, but her silence made it different today. I began to wonder what caused the difference. Without knowing it, I began searching for her earlier avatar in her today. I shall never find it again: it is lost in the mists of time, I know.

Secret Experiences

Secret Experiences
A child played within me all the while she was with me. It wanted to go out in a world of dreams I had seen and play with her for a long time, it wanted to be in her company for a longer time, and I wanted the time it spent with her to extend to an eternity. It wanted to be in a world of dreams I had built up around her, and I wanted it to be there with it forever and a day. This world of dreams which I had built up around her had everything I wanted and it to have and it had everything precisely in the format I wanted everything to be in. It had her as one of the most prominent figures in it even as there were several other ardent contenders  in the race.

The child within me was active and agile while she was with me, but it sought a dormant position in me once she left my  side. I’m not sure what it did when she wasn’t a part of my conscious or unconscious world. It was quite a sweet and chubby child looking at all sorts of sweet dreams while she was sitting beside me, but these sights proceeded to become horrible nightmares when she wasn’t present.  

I didn’t want to sleep when she wasn’t with me, I didn’t want to let my imagination lose. I never wanted to let her go. It was like my life was going away from me, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t want her to go, but she left me every day, but thankfully, she came back to me the next day.

Her very presence and absence made all the difference in my itinerary in my world of dreams. There was a huge amount of dissonance generated within me by her absence from my world of dreams; I wanted to kick it out, but  there was no way to throw it away. It simply generated more of itself while within me. A display of any of these emotions wasn’t going to be of any use at this point.

Different emotions marked a difference between the two worlds I found myself in by virtue of her presence and absence. Smiles and frowns found themselves on my face at varying intervals. I’m still not sure what attribute to allot to these emotions. I wonder if it was the dreams that underwent a metamorphosis or if my eyes deciphered a different code in the same cipher of love I looked at.  There are several wild secrets of life floating in all these dreams waiting to be discovered. I have to learn all of them without a display of emotions, I know.

Each discovery is going to teach some new and important lessons of life. There is a sense of novelty in all these lessons that attracts me to them There are several discoveries to be made, there are several secrets to be discovered. There is such a mad craze within me to discover all that I don’t know that I am prepared to plunge into an unknown ocean. There are to be several sharks and even whales roaming around, but they are only going to add to the excitement of diving deep into an unexplored ocean.

The child within me is going to interpret all these signs in its own different ways at different times. Its interpretations are to be kept like a dark secret. No one is ever going to know what tumults she has roused within me.

The Bargain

The Bargain
She took a deep breath before stepping into the room. These were going to be some of the most important steps of her life. A new chapter in her life that was about to begin; there were some momentary pauses, a few hesitations, but she didn’t have a choice now. She was in it: there was no way out. This was going to be an important phase of her life where she was going to find bliss and happiness, but they were going to be coupled with a lot of responsibilities and changes in her life. They were sure to bring some amount of sorrows and miseries for her, but they were to be  a bit different from any of those she had faced till now.

The sheer novelty of the experience attracted her, while at the same time, there was a dissonance within her in embracing an entirely new scheme of life. Her daily schedule was going to change, her priorities in life were going to undergo a metamorphosis, all precepts that held value and significance were to fade into ignominy now. They were going to be replaced by some new values.

She thought twice if she really wanted all this to change. She was quite happy and content with all those values and precepts she held now. She had to take the steps she was taking now because she knew the perpetrators of these values were soon going to change. A lot of her life was going to change. The weather was going to change, and she was going to require a different sort of shelter to shield herself from the furies of nature. The change was a natural and important part of life. She didn’t have a choice or a say in it. She had to flow on with time and be a part of the change.

The change was going to propel some more changes in her. She was going to have to embrace them as  a part of her life, which was all set to change drastically now. She was not sure if she was looking forward to embracing these changes or should she possess a dissonance against whatever novelty she is to be before now.

She was well acquainted with her life that was behind her. For a while, she was attracted by what she knew so well. She didn’t want to go for anything she didn’t know anything of. It might as well not be conducive to all the happiness it promised to be. There were all chances of there being a lot more unhappiness in her future that lay across the threshold she was about to cross.

It was an ocean she was about to enter, the experience wasn’t going to be nothing like what she had experienced in the lagoon she had been wallowing in till now. It was a protected ecosystem she had been in for a long time. She was entering another ecosystem where she was going to be protected all the better. She braced herself for the fun and joy she was going to experience while there.

Life isn’t a piece of cake, and she knew it. There were going to be several new experiences in her life, and she was going to have to face all of them with  a smile on her face. They were going to teach her new lessons of life every new day, and she was going to be thankful for them at night. At the end of the day, a cool and calm aura was to be a part of her life. This was what she had bargained for.

While She Held My Hand

While She Held My Hand
Zeenat’s tiny hands were softer than the softest quilt I have known. Her fingers entwined around a finger I lent her.  It sent a thrill down my spine. This was an emotion I had been craving for for a long time. I felt I had got to a destination I always wanted to touch. This was where I should have got to at an earlier instance. I sometimes feel bad about the delay, but I console myself with the thought it wasn’t in my hands.



I didn’t want to move to a higher zenith now. I was standing at the top of my world, its sky had come down to shower some bliss and happiness on me. I had a reason to be happy. Her hand clung harder onto my finger. I was pushed atop the moon in a jiffy.



Her hand’s grip was stronger than that of the strongest plier I had ever used. She didn’t want to leave me, I wanted her to hold on to me forever and a day. I felt myself propelled into a different world while she held on to me. this world was better than any other world I had ever been in. There wasn’t any space for darkness and gloom here.



I began to wonder what had made me seek the essence of life in fame, glory and success. The tiny bundle of joy before me was far better than any of these. The real meaning of life was holding my finger, and it made me feel in heaven. I was before some of the best moments in my life, and they were passing by unrecorded.



I sharpened my mind to formally record these beautiful moments in my history as some important ones. This was a reminder for me that my past experiences with life had certainly given me a lot of good moments to  treasure in my heart, but they had flown away with every passing moment; there wasn’t any for in which they could be held captive. The joy and ecstasy I felt at that moment was capable of being captured in words only.



There were several experiences with life I cherished and relished; I felt sure Zeenat wasn’t going to change any of these. It is only that I now had something better to think of. Zeenat is going to add a typical tinge to the flavour I find in life.  There are more relevant problems round the corner as compared to the ones behind me.



I and my problems were quite like many different planets in our solar system. Both I and my problems rotate around a central gravitational force with a different speed. Our orbits never coincide, there can never be a collision; but there are always chances of an eclipse, and an eclipse is usually is for such a long time that it seems to stretch to an eternity.



My problems have bothered me like a pesky fly which refuses to budge an inch from my face despite all my efforts to swat it down. I feel bad when I think of all those flies swarming around Zeenat. I shall never be able to help her contest them, nor will she be able to do anything positive about them. They will only grow in numbers around her.



A fly has been creating an irritating buzz around my face, I have almost  run out of patience. It attracts a lot of its other brethren too while it hovers around me. I badly wish I had the powers to counter it along with others like it.

Tears Speak Louder Than Words

Tears Speak Louder Than Words
There were large blots of moisture all over her letter I opened for a detailed perusal. They were more expressive than any other part of the composition before me: they showed me that she had been crying while drafting her epistle. The blots told a tale I could not hear her tell. The letter’s  words reflected only a part of the agony the poor girl went through at that time, and remains of her tears on the paper tried to say a bit more. All the same, I couldn’t do anything to help her out. I didn’t hold any rights to  do anything.



I badly wanted some more rights over her than what I already had. We were not related by a bond of blood, while a stronger gel held us together. I held very little rights over her being, her happiness and all that she went through every day. Somehow, I knew it wasn’t a very pleasant experience for her. Being married to someone she didn’t love woke up a lot of dissonance within her. To cap it all, I couldn’t do anything to help her out of her predicament. Being her ideal, I was supposed to hold all keys to all locks over her happiness.



I wanted to try at least a few keys to unlock her happiness. I wanted to be the agent responsible for propelling some sweet dreams through her vision while she slept. I wanted to be a protagonist in the play enacted behind her eyelids every time she went to sleep. I wanted to know all other protagonists too because I wanted to know all that made her happy. I wanted to make her happy.



I wanted to know all that had led to the deluge of emotions, only  a part of which was visible on her letter in the form of blots of ink. Many words were illegible because they had been blotted out. There was a comprehensive history behind them, I felt sure of it. I badly wish I could blot out the part of her life that had led to an erosion of words from her letter. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to be happier than me, happier than anyone else in this world.



I  knew I couldn’t do anything concrete about it. A large part of her happiness or misery depended on her past, and I didn’t have any control over her past. I had not been a part of it. I knew I saw her present spilled over her letter before me. she wasn’t happy because she was to be married to someone else.



I wanted to fill in all voids that are visible in her present and even those that are to be created in her future. I find myself unable to help her contest her past.  I don’t think I can do anything about her future. I could only offer her a virtual handkerchief to wipe her real tears.



She isn’t present with me. she isn’t here before me, but I can feel the anguish and trauma she has to go through every single day thinking of me. At times, I wonder if her tear-stained letter is an indication that she wants me to forget everything in our past and blot out everything like her tears blotted out some words in her letter.



All the same, she loves me, I don’t doubt it, but she cannot do anything about it. Neither can I.



I should be content in her loving me despite all the angst she feels.

Jumping Into Holes

Jumping Into Holes
Going to sleep has been the best part of the day for me. this is when I can put all my thoughts, particularly those that have been creating a havoc within me over the day, to rest.  Throughout the day, I marshal all my efforts against destiny that is bent on going      against me. most of my efforts go futile, but I still fight because I don’t have a choice. When I go to sleep, I am glad for a momentary relief I get from all miseries life succeeds in heaving on me over each new day of my life. The entire world is blacked-out and for a while, I can forget about all that I didn’t like in it, and even all that I liked in it.



I wish it was as easy to side-line all issues bothering me for a long time. Though most of them have been tolerable, yet there have been a few that have been haunting me and creating a medley within me like a house full of ghosts. These ghosts have been raising a pandemonium for a long time within my being.



I’ve forgotten the exact duration of time I have ben haunted by these supernatural beings. I have developed a dissonance towards these ugly creepy creatures; I’m glad I haven’t accepted them as a part of my life. There have been several instances where a dissonance has been created within me by some agents, but I have accepted the dissonance as a part of my daily life after a few skirmishes with the agents of dissonance. It is really insignificant how long these ghosts have been lodging within me now. What matters is that it is high time they should be shown a way out.



A typical quality of these squadron of ghosts within me is that they can assume any form they like. They are quite like sorrow and grief, which have a typical habit of appearing a bit too often in a guise of happiness. One can try all one can, but there is simply no way one can outwit sorrow and see through its disguise. We fall into the trap it lays for us probably because all of us want to be happy, and all of us want to have more and more of happiness. I let the troop of ghosts into my being because I was under the impression they are conducive to happiness. I never ever imagined they would become what they have.



On second thoughts, I don’t think I ever could have done anything significant about them. Happiness has been like the boat that has been drifting away from me over a huge and vast expanse of sea. I find myself standing on  a deserted island in the middle of nowhere looking at a ship while it drifts slowly but surely away from my sight. There is very little or nothing I can do to halt its progress. It is sure to drift further away with every passing moment.



I find myself looking desperately for internet rabbit holes to jump into. These spooky places are the only ones that can provide enough succour and relief from all contemporary miseries. I find myself exploring a curious novelty in the pattern of stars; I hope they signify an improvement in my destiny. I hope my life gets better from now. I badly  want to get over my past, and I often wonder what my best option is. There are not a lot of options, I know, there never were  lot of holes  where I can find relief from my world and its miseries.

A Beautiful World

A Beautiful World
I fell in love. it made the world of my dreams all the more special and good. I didn’t want to be in a better world any more. This was the zenith I always wanted to be at. I was at the top of the world. There was a typical satisfaction propelled through me by virtue of my being in love. I  didn’t want to rise from my slumbers. I only want to sleep a while longer if only to dream of her for an eternity.



For a while, I paused at the threshold I was standing at. I wasn’t sure about entering the citadel of love. I had encountered love only a few days ago, it wasn’t the first time, but it did make my life beautiful. Everything around me has acquired a typically new colour and shade. The only point of contention is that my love was unrequited.



 It was only me who loved her, she didn’t love me, and I knew it. There is nothing I can do to make her love me. there is nothing in me that can make her head turn towards me. it is only I who look at her as an ideal and perfect being. All the same, it didn’t matter if my love was one-sided, and it was only my heart that throbbed wildly for her. What counted was that I was in love, and it made me feel great.



Love made my world really beautiful. I don’t think there ever was a time when I felt better. I was suddenly on top of my world. Here was someone who made me feel special, and although she didn’t reciprocate my emotions in any manner, I feel confident I too made her feel special. She was the only one getting any amount of attention from me: I had singled her out from all her peers. There wasn’t any particular reason for it, there is never a  definite reason for being in love.



The theorem held water when it was inverted too. It held the same principles when she looked at me. she loved me too, I think, and with equal intensity and passion. One can never be sure of the intensity of love one gets, but somehow, I felt sure I could be sure of the amount of love I got from her.



I felt the typical ecstasy one experiences when one is being loved and appreciated. It sent me to the sky aboard a rocket.  I felt my head in the clouds even while my feet were still on the ground. A smile on her face sent thousands of darts impregnated with happiness piercing me. A careless giggle originating from her gave me more joy than anything else in the world.



What the world was a moment ago didn’t really count for me now. It didn’t matter if the world were to come to an end the next moment. What counted was that I was happy and content with her before me. She was the one I saw in my dreams when I closed my eyes, and she was the one I saw with my eyes open. She was before me in all the paraphernalia of a reality insistent on going back to realms of a dream the very next moment. I want to break away from this miserable, vicious and monotonous life; I want a variety in my life, but there is a typical satisfaction propelled within me because I am in love.



I shake myself up, I knew this is a reflection of my imagination. I am in a world I had always imagined myself to be in.

Thinking Of You

Thinking Of You
You are my life and soul. You are going to be the elixir I have always wanted to drink. It has the potential to heal all wounds inflicted on me over the past several years by virtue of flowing through all ravines created by time within me. I want to meet you in a world that is not as nebulous as the world of my dreams is. I want to meet you in a real world. I want to touch you, I want to hold your soul in my arms, I want to hold you in my arms.



You are my moon on earth; I want you to guide me through the night before me. it is quite a cold and dark night, but I want you to brighten it up with all of the innocence and freshness you are going to bring into my world.



It is going to push me into heaven, I know. Being with your thoughts is in itself  a huge asset in itself. All those moments I spend thinking of you seem to me to be like ones I shall spend with you. Being  with you is going to being some  of the best moments of my life a bit closer than they really are.



The best moments of my life are is going to be when I hold Zeenat in my arms. I wonder what is going to be my reaction when they are finally a part of my life. I can’t even guess my reaction when you are going to step into my life.



Zeenat has been a part of me for such a long time, and I know she can be a reality only with your help. Zeenat has been a strong reason behind all my smiles, and yet I know I haven’t been able to smile in the real sense of the word for a long time. Zeenat has been in my dreams for a long time. I want this dream to be true now. I badly want to put all those creases on my face that symbolise a smile and somehow, I know Zeenat is going to bring some of the best smiles on my face.



There have been several smiles on my face, but life has also done its best to snatch most of them from my face without notice. Your thoughts put a slight smile on my face I shall retain for some time. Zeenat shall put some more smiles on my face that shall be with me for  a longer time, but all my smiles are finally going to be twisted away from my lips in a fashion I never imagined.



Life has brought before me so many ups and downs before me that I have insulated myself against all possibilities of jots and jerks I am likely to get while on my way. Life always gives its dose of jerks in a distinct manner. I am not sure if any insulation I develop now is going to serve its purpose of shielding my future also. The cover is going to lose its potentials to shield and guard me, I know.



I want to be a part of you, I want you to be a part of me. our company is going to shield each other from all kinds of sudden and unprecedented movements life makes as it takes us through our adventures. There are going to be several pleasant and unpleasant ones, but I hope being together has the potential to push away all of the sourness inherent in any of these moments.

Turn Into An Eternity

Turn Into An Eternity
She was like a whiff of fresh air that had blown into my room through a window and surprisingly, it was to stay in my room with me for some time. Several aeons of joy were jiggling within me at that time. I could hear them jumping up and down even as I found it difficult not to jump up with greater joy at the very thought. It was really a big relief for me after all that I have been through. Perhaps I feel a bit lower than I actually am which makes the experience all the more gratifying. All the same, I never expected my fate to be in my favour in any form, particularly in the format that was before me, but it was true.



I still don’t know if I was happier than her or if she was happier than me. anyway, I was not the only one who had reasons to be happy. What counted at that moment was that both of us were happy, and hopefully, the emotion was to remain with us for a long time with due consideration to some frequent visits by some amounts of distress and grief.



One’s grief always seems to stay for a longer time than it actually does. Its stay usually seems to be prolonged beyond its welcome period, and in my case, it certainly has stayed for a long time, longer than it should have. I sometimes wonder what its ideal duration is, but there is no way I can ever get to know of it. Its itinerary seems to be spread over different time periods for different people; everyone seems to have a different ideal allocated for oneself.



The only positive aspect of it is that it is always followed by some bright moments in life. The distressing point is that these too are not permanent, and their itinerary too isn’t the same for everyone. Happiness is like the whiff of fresh air blown into my room every now and then. Its freshness shall surely stale away one day, but I shall make sure I make the most of it while it is with me.



I wonder if I should accept her presence in my room as transitory or should I deem it to be permanent? I feel a bit frightened and scared when I think of her vanishing from my presence like the transient freshness brought into my room by a puff of fresh air. I simply can’t imagine a world that doesn’t have her in it, although it is only a few seconds since she transformed my world from fiction to reality. She is more real than all other realities of life, even the breeze blowing through my room.



Unlike the whiff of air coming into my room, I can and I will hold her in my arms. I shall make sure she doesn’t escape out of the door, just as the whiff of air is sure to run away through the window. The whiff of fresh air is sure to make a strong impression on me, but it is to fade away as soon as it loses its thrust. She is going to be the elixir of my life floating in a beaker, I know, and I shall make sure I drink it to its very last drop. It is going to have its effects on me for my lifetime.



All of my past seems to be irrelevant now. What matters is the present moment I share with her. I wish  a fairy were kind enough to wave her magic-wand and elongate the incumbent moment to an eternity.

Is Today Better?

Is Today Better?
Today is certainly a lot different from any other day. It is certainly of a brighter hue and colour. The sun seems to have risen from a different corner of the world. I wish this could be said of each and every day in my life, but if this repeats itself every single day, the excitement that is accompanied with the dawn of today, the typical shade of colour everything around me seems to have  assumed today shall not be here. The entire world around me seems to have acquired a  wonderful and new contour if only by virtue of being here for the first time.



I want to appreciate this novelty in my life, and somehow, I know the same novelty and freshness cannot be present in my world every single day. It would lose its freshness if the same phenomenon were repeated every single day, or even if it were a part of my world every other day. For my world to retain a bright and exciting colour every time it begins itself, it must make a fresh beginning every time it unfurls itself. There is absolutely no manner in which this can be achieved. I didn’t have any control over how the last day ended, I could never have done anything about it, nor can I do anything about the new day that is before me now. The only positive part of this is that there is no relationship between these two.



Every single day in my life is to begin with a roar. A bugle is to be announce all that is to be found in a new day,  and it is going to be quite a loud one. its very thought makes me feel insecure. It throttles down all confidence  I have. I’m not sure if I have all  arsenal required to fight all intricacies a new future is going to bring with itself. All said and done, there are to be   several hopes and aspirations that are going to be a part of the picture.



I also know that not all my hopes and aspirations are going to come true. Not all dreams I saw while I closed my eyes are going to be true when I open my eyes. Several are going to bite the dust, while several are going to fade into the ether as soon as the sun makes its presence felt. All this does pull down some excitement there was within me when I thought of a new day and all that it would bring into my life.









Practically, there is nothing new in any day, but what makes it appear new and different is there is a typical freshness in chirping of birds, the number of clouds covering the heavens above me, and the time the sun rises from dormancy. The air seems to be full of  a typical freshness. There are new leaves on trees.



All said and done, the rising sun steals many hopes, aspirations and dreams I held within my eyes while they were closed. The theft does make some significant alterations within me everyday. Several new values are to be found within me by virtue of an act of some miscreants. If  this can be called a novelty, a new day certainly brings this novelty in my life whenever my clock completes its daily circuit. I badly wish I could do something about this.



If this is how today is going to define itself before me, I don’t think I shall like it to be here. I wish I could bury myself in my past.

In Her Company

In Her Company
I was with a beautiful soul, it was so beautiful that being with it made me feel a lot better than I ever did; it made my soul more beautiful and purer than it could ever have been. For a while, I felt inferior because here was a zenith I always wanted to be at, but I couldn’t achieve the height. There was a catharsis effected within me; I felt purged of all my sins and wrong-doings; it was quite similar to what I felt while in Mecca. For a while, I wondered if the Kaaba had crept closer to me while she was with me in my room.  



The beauty of these moments is sure to lose its lustre in a couple of days unless we discover some points where all heavenly ideals I build up around her and she builds around me wither into the ether leaving behind some concrete values we shall have to put up with. All said and done, I was prepared to cherish whatever values came my way for a long time to come.



It is going to be  a long time before both of us discover all points of intersection of our values; they are going to create some beautiful patterns all over our life in the years to come, but there is the incumbent moment to deal with. This is a point when two different lives are going to be conjoined into one life. There is so much to discover and so much to disclose.



Such points could as well be counterproductive to the beauty inherent in our company if we failed to shed at least some of the heavenly ideals we build up around each other. We shall have to revise many of our values and ideals in the years to come. None of us deserve any of the heavenly ideals: no one is perfect, but they are a part of the novelty we have discovered when we found each other. They shall gradually fade into the ether, I know.



replacements of these values are not going to be as good as the originals, I know, but they will have to be a part of our life for a long time to come. There will be several alterations and changes in them in the years to come. All said and done, they are not going to serve  a cosmetic purpose, they are actually going to help us lead our life in a definite direction. They are going to be a part of the tough reality we are going to find ourselves pitched against each and every day of our life. They are going to be quite ugly and they are not going to be coloured in the precise form we want them to be in, I know this.



Very few of us or almost none of us get to see the world coloured in the exact colours we idealise our world in. Almost all of us have to accept the world as it is presented to us even if the colours don’t collate with our favourite colours. The painter who fills in all these colours knows the best permutations and combinations of colours to be used. We rarely have a hand in their selection.



This doesn’t mean we can leave all of our future to our destiny. There is always a certain amount of effort put into our daily lives. Although the final outcome and effort everyone puts up are never directly proportionate,  there is always  a certain amount of satisfaction of having made one’s effort. Here is a change effected in me by virtue of her company.

Her Photograph

Her Photograph
I only have a photograph of her. Over the past few weeks, it has assumed a human and womanly form only by virtue of my staring at it; it is almost real, while the original remains the lady captured in the photograph whenever it was shot.



For a moment, I wish there was a way possible to smudge her away from my presence like I write off a day gone by and all I did in it once a fresh dawn is here. She is standing at the threshold, waiting for a signal to move into my life, and I am not sure whether to give her a thumbs up or down. Her presence before me is certainly stronger than all other experiences, although all I have is her photograph; it is going to make me happy whenever I look at it: it is beautiful, as per Shakespeare’s definition of beauty. it reminds me of the eternal life angels have, and of the finite life I have.



For a while, it made me feel uncomfortable and awkward; it made me feel inferior. I do wonder what feelings her mortal self would arouse in me when her mere photograph stole a lot of warmth and comfort around me.  Her absence doesn’t in any way remove any of these, but instead, accentuates all feelings her presence is to invoke within me.



I begin to consider avenues to erase her presence completely from my conscience. I only have to stop looking at her photograph, but somehow, I know it is the only avenue to bliss I have as of now. Roads to happiness and bliss keep changing over our lifetime, I know. A unique and different route and road was demarcated for me. She is all set to be a guide for me on a road to  happiness I am supposed to walk on.



I take another look at her photograph, her eyes are looking another way, I can see only one of her cheeks, but they are more than enough to confirm some of the glee and happiness she is to bring into my life. I wish I could know something more concrete about her. I wish I could exchange some mails with her.



I feel it wants to say something to me. It wants to share some secrets she has in her heart. I wish I could tell her some of mine. she seems to be quite willing to absorb all secrets I have in my heart. There is so much within me on the verge of an exit, but there is no one I can share any of it with. I want to break all barriers of silence between us before I march into her world.



I wish I could animate her silent photograph with lively expressions borrowing values from words; I wish it could talk to me. I want to exhaust all creative potentials of language in giving expression to all thoughts ravaging through me while I look at her photograph. I do wonder what heights they are going to touch when she is really before me.



There   are so many zeniths I want to touch, but touching any height is going to be of merit only if I have her as a companion. I don’t think even touching Mount Everest is     going to bring in any amount of joy for me if she isn’t with me: all joys of life are going to be quadrupled by virtue of her company.



I hope she remains with me for a lifetime to pack my life with happiness and gaiety.

An Unread Book

An Unread Book
I was about to read a book for the first time. I was about to open its cover and unravel whatever lay within for the first time, and I didn’t have the faintest idea of its exact contents. There was a hard cover on it. I did have a vague idea of it being interspersed with a lot of bright pictures, but I was quite wary about any dark black pages that were to be a part of the milieu while I browsed through it.



I really didn’t know if I was to be before these pages right from the outset, or if they to be presented a while later. I knew I had to be before them sooner or later whether I liked it or not. Their very thoughts had the power and potency to stop me from browsing the book. The book lay in its pristine form before me, and  I knew I  couldn’t close the book If I didn’t like the first few pages. There was very little choice before me now.



 I don’t know why but I wanted these chapters to be before me right from the beginning, right from the  time I opened the book. They were the most challenging pages of the book for me, I like challenges, and perhaps I wanted to know them before anything else. They were going to arouse a typical dissonance within me with respect to the book, I know, but I shall have to put up with it for a long time to come. I felt I deserved to know everything about the book even while it lay closed before me.



You don’t close a book because you don’t like its first few pages, and nor did I have any such intention. I didn’t want the book to be ever closed. The book has several different chapters, I know. Some of them were going to be about me too. This is where I am idealised as a perfect and virtuous being I am not.



I want to be all that the book says about me. I want to touch the pinnacle of perfection defined by the book before me. its definition seems to me to be precise and accurate. all of a sudden, all other books I have even seen and all other definitions of myself I have ever read fade into oblivion. Pages of these books lack the sweet fragrance emanating while I flip through some pages of the book before me.



I haven’t even touched the book yet, but somehow, I know quite a sweet fragrance is going to be found once I flip through its pages, quite like the one I have often smelt when I turn over a new book’s pages. There is a typical smell of novelty tinged with some staleness, but there is also a freshness in it not found anywhere else.



I wish there was a way possible to capture this sweet fragrance in a tangible form. I wish there was a way possible to apply this fragrance over my clothes. On second thoughts, the fragrance derives its merits by virtue of being a part of the literature before me. it is going to lose its form and magic if I try to discover it in any other form.



The best part of the adventure I am really looking forward to is when I get to read the chapters telling me all about Zeenat. There is a certain amount of innocence and freshness captured in her name. I hope I can read the book well.

Flying Over A Waterfall

Flying Over A Waterfall
I felt like aboard an airplane. Within its cockpit, and in its pilot’s position, I saw my world as visible to its pilots. A view from an airplane’s cockpit shows only a future. There  is no space for one’s past in it. There are a lot of dials and displays, none of which are comprehendible to me. as its pilot, I should have a comprehensive knowledge of their working, but as it is, I don’t have the faintest idea what they are all trying to say. I have been through a rigorous training before I got to the incumbent position, but I never came across a manual describing any of the dials before me. this is a completely new situation for me.



A view from the plane’s cockpit of my future is certainly as intimidating as a wild dog’s jaws full of sharp teeth. It is ready to pounce on me with all of its ferocity. It is going to be quite painful, while I shall find myself rushing to a hospital for an anti-rabies vaccine. There are a whole lot of situations I shall have to be before, but I am determined not to let their thoughts scare me, although I  can feel myself shivering in my pants despite all my efforts.



The airplane is about to take-off to an unknown destination, to a place I haven’t been ever before. The mere thought of an unknown destination scares the wits out of me. I can feel my knees vibrating against each other, and I can’t do anything to help them. I can see my future through the airplane’s cockpit, and somehow, I know, it is not very bright.



I’m of the kind who believes that if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong. I believe events in my future will go wrong because there are all chancres of it going wrong. There is a dominant fear of ending up in a black-hole because I took a wrong turn, and I feel it will surely suck me in itself with all its ferocity and vehemence.



There are a lot of points where I feel I took a wrong turn. I turned into a road that was sure to lead to a dead-end, I knew it, but I could never have done anything to help myself. I never could have rectified my approach. The track I have been walking on has never been volitional.



The only point of consolation I have is that the incumbent season of bad times isn’t going to last forever. It is going to end one day, and with the dawn of every new day, the end certainly inches a bit closer everyday. A season of darkness is sure to be followed by a season of light, and I hope it is brighter than sun’s light. I only wonder if I am correct in anticipating a season of light that is to be inversely proportionate to the incumbent darkness in my life. I think I should not.



We seldom get all we seek from life. Somehow, life manages to pull off a show where it gives us very little of what we expect. It leaves us thirsty despite an elaborate waterfall dripping all its fury around us. Most of us remain thirsty despite a comprehensive flow of water all over us. It is quite exasperating, but very little is in our powers. Although all of us stoop forward for a few drops of the elixir, only a few of us are rewarded with miracles happening in our lives.



Water falls down all the same.