At The Top Of The World

At The Top Of The World
Dusk and sunset are at the feet of  a rainbow that has spanned its beauty over a comprehensive day. The day is now over; there is still a promise, there is hope despite the day being over; there is still some hope of the sun rising again. The incumbent day has certainly not been very pleasing; though a fresh morning has just gone by, yet a hard and fallow day has followed it, but thankfully, it is gradually getting old. The worst is over, or at least I hope it is over now.  

A deep unfathomable silence lies between the two of us. Each of us is struggling to find our way through it. There is a solid dark vacuum separating us; it suffocates and stifles me; it makes me mad. Time drifts silently with the silence of a miracle, and yet the long and lovely drowsiness of love continues to linger on with its sweet fragrance. I wonder if it will ever infect any of us; I hope it is going to change our lives whenever it  does bite us. Somehow, I feel it is wrong to harbor any expectations from any entity, but I certainly feel there should be some sort of a change in my life after all these years.

The rainbow that has been the order of the day has been certainly very bright and illuminating, but it has outlived its utility now. It served to provide some amount of variety in my dull and serene life. It is not that the sun has gone down and there can never be another rainbow in the sky again. Life shall certainly gain assets through what happens every day.

 The rainbow has been quite good, but all good things do come to an end one day. The novelty of the rainbow faded off a long time back. whatever values it gathered and dissipated over me over the past years have been quite good, but there is an incessant clamour within me for more of what I already have. I want the rainbow to provide better values than it has been giving me. In a small way, I’m glad it is being wrapped up in clutches of a dark night.

There is a typical dissatisfaction with what I have in my present, although I have many reasons to thank Allah. There has certainly been a spell of thunder, lightning and rain, there was a quiet lull after the storm, and there was a bright day too, but there is a typical dissatisfaction within me for all this now. I want more than what I already have. Practically, this dissatisfaction is what makes all of us make efforts for a better future. I badly want to tear the gossamer fabric of my present and rush into my future. The fabric is certainly quite thin and delicate, but it does create  an impenetrable and opaque barrier. I badly want to see what my future looks like. I want at least a glimpse of my future. Whatever visions I have of my future are so blurred and dimmed in nature that I can hardly hold on to them for a long time. I need a stronger anchor to hold on to.

My future appears to be darker than my present, but this is probably because my future isn’t properly illuminated. There may be a brighter and better world awaiting me if I manage to pierce the fabric surrounding my present. What ails me is the firm belief that my future may not be bright at all. Even if it is only a shade brighter than my present, I do wonder if it is going to be worth any efforts I make to get to it. The ameliorated tint may prove not to be good for me at all.

The very fact that the future that lies before me is uncertain is what makes life all the more tough and difficult for me. there are several turns in the road before me, but only one of them is likely to take me to my goal. I wish I knew which one it is. I shall have to keep walking for a long time, this is all I know for sure.

I strongly feel the road to my goal has only been elongated and lengthened to what seems to be beyond my limits, but I must bear the fact in mind that although some roads may appear to be too long and unconquerable, I’m certainly going to make it to my goal one day. All roads have been set out in such a fashion that they can be traversed and covered by me. none of them are longer than any length I can walk across. Moreover, all obstacles put before me on these tracks are such that they can be easily jumped over by me.

This is the only consolation I have. I can only hope this is not a false one. Practically, I can never do anything if my walk on  any of the roads is an endless one or even if a road before me lead to a dead-end.  I can only grumble and complain, but I shall be expressing my thanklessness to The Almighty if I do this. I shall have to bear whatever comes my way with a brave face, and I shall have to apply some cosmetics to my face to make it appear the way I want it to. I shall have  to resort to some acting-skills I shall have to learn in a few days.

Good actors are the ones who manage to succeed in life. Excellent actors are the ones who make it to the top of the world. Perhaps it the top of the world is only a matter of my perception. I am already at the top of my world while I am with her. The sweet tinge of love in the air today while we are together is probably what the world was created for.

While I Lay My Head In Her Lap

While I Lay My Head In Her Lap
Time seems to change its nature whenever I lay my head in her lap. It slows down its pace, it loosens its thrust, and its flow becomes quite soft and slithering when compared to the mad rush it usually is in. I never felt so safe, secure and comfortable as I did while I lay my head in her lap. The experience is as though I were a traveler and she were Noah’s Ark drifting in the eternal flood, while everything else is getting drowned.

I am the only survivor in her world. Only I live in it. I was suddenly aroused from a heavy and deep sleep I had been subjected to while I lay my head in her lap. Time had given a sharp jolt even as it still flowed on. There is still a dark, long and cold night to be dealt with, but I have been rudely aroused from my slumbers.  She had decided to leave my company. I had to go through the rest of the journey by myself. It was going to be quite tough sifting through the sands of time for with my head out of the cradle that had cushioned my adventures through a world of dreams.  It had been such a sweet and calm experience that I want it to be a part of my daily life, but shall have to do without it for even a single moment now.

All the same, I cursed myself for having lain asleep in a room with blinds drawn: a bright day has gone by, and it has taken away a lot of opportunities that just might have made my world a bit different. I don’t think I would have been in a situation where I was going to require her company if I had been conditioned to bear all the intricacies beams of sunlight usually bring into everyone’s life. Her company had propelled a typical lust for a static and stable world, but now, I want to change the world I live in; I want to change my present, past and future. The shield that guarded me from the world has gone, and it is a long time since.

Her abrupt and sudden leave-taking has been quite distressing. I don’t think anything can ever replace the comfort and elegance I experienced in her lap. All said and done, I'm forced to consider my present now,  a day which doesn’t have her, but has a lot of other  entities that are not so good, but they are quite good enough.

My present hardly counts now. There is a strong and rigid barrier between my present from my glorious past, a past that is now gradually, slowly but surely fading behind mists of antiquity. I wonder why this is happening, but it certainly is and I can’t do anything about it. In the normal course of events, this should have happened a long time back. I would have certainly built forces around myself strong enough to deal with a hostile world, and I should have been heading for a future that shall have beckoned me with a blush on its face signifying its willingness to embrace me. I strongly feel I have been very late in reaching the point I stand at today.

My life has been following a predestined path, but it has been moving at  a very slow pace. I have certainly been given a lot more than what I expected and a lot more than what it has bequeathed to my peers, but the very fact that life has been very late in giving anything to me has obliterated and blocked all mirth that should have been a part of my present. My perception of its speed has not been entirely subjective because there have been a lot of others who have been endowed with all gifts I have yearned for a long time. They are already standing at the end; they are almost teasing me. I realise what I regard as gifts, these entities have been a normal part of life. On second thoughts, there are many entities life has given me, but hasn’t bestowed upon everyone else.

It is only that I regard other’s lives as ideal and ordinary, while I consider my life not to be following a normal track. This is only a matter of perception, I know. I shall certainly not like to be in anyone else’s shoes. My shoes are best fitted for me. They do bite and create some problems at times, but they are quite bearable.

My problems are tuned to suit my identity and intellect. I have been given all powers to combat all of my problems with complete ease and efficiency. I only need to realise all of them. This is going to happen gradually, and it is certainly going to take some more time before all my problems can be dealt with successfully. It is not that they are so enormous in number, which is why tackling them is going to take a long time. It is only that my speed, with which I solve my problems, is not compatible with my expectations. I need to adjust my expectations to my abilities.

This is quite a tough proposition. One’s expectations from one’s life are always adjusted through the outlook one has towards others. While certain events have propelled everyone else to what seems to be their goal, such events still await their turn to happen in my life. I remind myself that my life is a bit different from what everyone else has to go through. There have been differences between my life and the life lead by others. These differences have been quite subtle, but they have still been there and they have dominated the scene and scenario before me.

I struggle every single day of my life today, but without her, all my efforts are not rewarded. I praise and thank Allah for whatever efforts I'm able to make and whatever are rewarded.

Welcoming Happiness

Welcoming Happiness
Eventually, she occupied the supreme position in my life. As a woman, she was symbolic of all that religion, love and morality signify in anyone’s life. She was to be an anchor weighing in my infirmities, insecurities and disabilities. Without her, I would have felt quite like a straw blown around by a gust of wind: it was being blown here and there before she held out her hand to hold it. I badly needed the security with which an anchor holds a ship to dock, and here it was.

There was sunlight abundant and galore around me only till a few moments ago, it threatened to tear through the gossamer fabric of my life. I was to be exposed bare before to the whole world without a bit of protection. I thought again about it. I didn’t want this to happen because it is going to mean a lot of my secrets were to be unfurled to the world. I didn’t want this to happen. There should be a shield over my self to guard me against all that could happen, and all that will certainly happen if I were left exposed. I was sure to be left exposed to the whole world in a couple of days, and it isn’t going to be very pleasant. I began to wonder if she is the one appointed by time to help me tide over all vagaries of life.

She had stepped into my life to change its course, to shower bliss and happiness over all my life. She was certainly the one appointed by time to get over all its negative effects and yet stand with a smile on my face. My smile was going to make time itself feel jealous of her company, I’m sure, because the magic created by her company was going to propel happiness all through my life, and it was going to be with me forever. She was going to be with me for my lifetime, however long it may be; although the smile on my lips was going to change its form continuously and every single day, it was going to be a part of me all the same.

For a while, I wanted to thank her for the metamorphosis she had effected on my face in particular and in my life in general, but the very next moment, I felt I shouldn’t be doing it. We were together because both of us deserved to be with each other: one always gets a life-partner one deserves, this is a truth spelt out in our destinies.

She must be as grateful for my company, and she must be going through a similar dilemma. It is better for both of us to maintain a silence on the issue.  My thoughts wandered to my life before I met her. It was quite like a silent walk through a silent, dry and arid desert which threatened to spread over my lifetime. She had brought a moist and cool atmosphere with herself into my life. It was such a big relief that I wanted to soak myself in it till the end of time.

For a moment, I thought of all that I had been through. I wondered if it was proportionate to the relief I felt. Nothing can ever be, and yet the relief she brought into my life is going to change a lot of equations. These equations are certainly not proportional to any amount of suffering I had experienced in my past, but the change is quite good enough. The problem with most of us, I realise, is that we expect a direct proportion between the two, and seldom do we find a good ratio. Her company is going to change the way I perceive the standards to be. It is to change the way I look at happiness and the way it is pushed into our lives.

Happiness is quite like a shy and coy young bride ushered into her room for the first time in her life. She enters with some hesitant steps; she isn’t sure of discovering all she had dreamt of in the room, and yet she steps into it. She is almost an alien in the room, so her steps are quite wobbly and insecure. For a while, she doesn’t know if she is welcome in the room, she isn’t sure if she is in the precise form everyone wants her to be in, but discovers a whole new world rushing to embrace her once she is in. Happiness should be welcomed regardless of the form it appears in.

This is the problem in my case, I realise. I haven’t been able to foster situations and conditions where happiness is welcome to spend a long time in me and my life. It has simply bounced off my door because it has never found a favourable response from within me. I realised this a long time ago. I have often wished I could do something about it, and make myself amenable to welcoming it into my life. Somehow, I haven’t been able to create an aura welcome to it.

She was going to change all this and more. Somehow, I know she has  similar expectations from me. I realise I shall not be able to give her anything except my love and attention. I shall certainly make sure she gets a lot of both entities, and in return, I hope I get a similar amount of love and attention from her. At the end of the day, almost all of our expectations were destined to be die a slow and painful death, so it is better not to harbour any.

Somehow, I feel my very presence is going to be enough to work all the magic that is required. Practically, it is our company that is going to spell out all alphabets of ‘love’. Love is to be strengthened by our presence besides the other, and it is going to highlight all our positive and negative sides. We shall learn to adjust.

The Real Thief

The Real Thief
There was nothing warm about the silent winter afternoon, nor was there anything special about it, and yet we were shivering with excitement. The two of us were huddled together in a cosy corner of a room near a heater. There was a typical glow from the heater that animated her face till it became more livid and lovelier than I had ever seen it before. It reminded me of the time when she was going through my first e-mail on her mobile device. I was lucky enough to witness the transformation my words effected.

The communique confessed a lot of emotions burning within me, while the blush brought out a lot of feelings she couldn’t confess using words; she could never write them, nor say them out. The colours on her face were enough to say all she wanted to.

For the present moment, we held each other’s hands as tightly as a baby clutches your finger if you let it. None of us wanted to scythe the contact, and luckily, there was nothing to severe the contact. None of us was prepared to let go of the moment. We had found something better than El Dorado, the mythical land of gold. Both of us were shivering with excitement, although we were close to a strong source of heat.

 There was a reason for her to be happy at the moment, and I’m glad I  was the reason. She was happy to be with me, at least for the present moment, and somehow, I didn’t want the incumbent moment to pass. The warmth radiated by the heater did the trick of bringing a blush on her face all the same. I was seated on a chair next to her while she was musing over all powers she once held over me. Time had changed, our priorities in life had changed, our responsibilities had changed, everything had changed. We were no longer the carefree celibates we once were. A lot of the world had changed and quite a bit of it had assimilated itself into both of us.

There had to be a change in our outlook towards the world. There were to be a lot of additions and subtractions in all important entities there are in our worlds. It had to be synchronized for us to be happy. Both of our worlds were going to be viewed with both of our eyes, but we were to see the same scene every time we looked out of the windows of our lives. Happiness was to enter us through the same gates, which had been thrown open for us. This was certainly a change from our perspective of the world we held a couple of weeks back.

There was a time when I was prepared to lay myself to death for her sake. There seemed to be no end to the efforts I was prepared to  make a smile flicker on her face. The world had changed, and so had our outlook towards it. I was still prepard to give everything I had to see her smile, but my priorities had changed now. They had to be synchronized with the changes she brought into my life with herself.

They were short and brief bursts of sunshine in the cold winter days: the days were always shorter than nights, but they brought with themselves a typical thrill and excitement encapsulated in all this. The length and duration of days and nights is bound to change as time steps ahead, and so will the thrill and excitement there was in our initial contact. It is bound to be tempered with time, and we will come to agree to a specific dose suiting both of us.

The thrill was enough to last a century, but nothing can ever bring back those moments. There was a scintillating excitement encapsulated in each and every second. It is never to be back in any form. Time flew on wings none of us could possibly clip, however much we wanted to. Secretly, I’m glad it is all over. Our past doesn’t have only good and golden moments. There have been moments when we have wished to be buried under the ground we stood on.

I don’t think either of us want those moments to be back in their original form for it was accompanied by several negativities, none of which are welcome today. All said and done, there is a typical nostalgia for those days within both of us today. For a while, we seem to have forgotten all the negativities associated with those days.

For now, we clung to each other’s presence like either of us was the only hope of survival in an ocean we were sinking in. None of us is prepared to leave the last straw of hope and survival even for a fraction of a second. The time is sure to come when we were to leave each other’s hands, and time is to engulf each of us in its embrace. This was something that is destined to happen with us just as it was to happen with everyone else.

There is a lot to happen in between the two ends. Time is sure to take away all the joy and excitement it brought with itself. There has to be a way to capture time because this is the only way to capture all the fun and excitement. There is a typical ecstasy associated with the first contact. I don’t think it is to be back in any form ever again.

I simply don’t agree with those who say the joy and ecstasy is going to raise itself with the passage of time. Time rubs and erases the joy and pleasure associated with each passing moment. There can be no doubt of it. Aeons of time have snatched a lot of our joys, thrill and excitement. I wonder if they can be arrested for theft and sentenced to a period of rigorous imprisonment for this crime.

No one can ever do this. Time has always been independent of human interference.

They Live Happily Ever After

They Live Happily Ever After The feeling of lightness and fragility rendered into my hands while they clutched her hands made my heart leap up through a rainbow. This was probably the best experience of my life; this was the contact I had been yearning for for a long time. Man is never said to be satisfied with whatever he has, it is said, but for the time being, I had to be content with whatever amount of love was being pumped into me by the contact. I had got what I had been missing all my life, and yet I wanted more of it. No amount of attention from her was going to be enough to quench my thirst for attention.

I wanted some more dregs of attention from her. I wanted some more of love from her. I wanted it to be with me forever. She was going to leave me in a few moments.  She was never going to be back in any form, I knew. I really didn’t want her to leave me, I didn’t want any amount of attention I got from her to leave me. The bit that was with me made me feel more important than anyone else in the world, but it was evanescent and were bent on evaporating and leaving behind a dry and arid desert behind.

I badly wish there was a way possible to negate this possibility or at least delay it. I found myself completely shattered and broken after a couple of heartbreaks: she was someone who fished me out of an abysmal abyss of depression and dismay.  Over the past few years, I had developed a delinquency for any amount of attention I got from her. It didn’t seem possible for me to live another moment without soaking myself from head to toe in even a miniscule amount of it. I wonder how I managed to live all these years without getting an iota of attention from her quarter.

Without it, I shall have to tread all over my world like a zombie for a long time, probably forever. It was a long, dark and chilly winter that I was going to be a part of without a bit of attention from her, and I certainly don’t want to be a part of it. It is going to be a long time before I emerge from the night and step into a warm and sunny day. The strain is certainly going to exhaust me.

Practically, I would have to launch a fresh search for an oasis where my dreams are to be fulfilled. There are certainly going to be some trees in the oasis, which shall provide some amount of relief from the harsh sun. An elaborate arrangement with a couple of umbrellas is going to be required before I can claim to have found even a bit of relief from the harsh sun. She wasn’t going to be a part of the arrangement, I know. This message was emphasized by the contact she was breaking with me. Her hands were to leave behind some of the softest and sweetest dreams I had ever dreamt of when she left me that day. I badly wish there was a  way to capture their ecstasy in a concrete form; I badly wish I could  capture their essence for an eternity.

I didn’t look forward to the time when she is going to leave my hand, but she does plan to execute her intentions of leaving me alone on the road. We had walked together on the road for a long time, but there is still a long way to go, and she is bent on parting ways now. I shall have to walk alone without any company for a long time, I know, but eventually, I shall certainly come across an oasis.

It may be better than the one I dream of  being in with her, I might experience even more comfort and bliss there, but for the present moment, thoughts of my future didn’t count. There is the present moment before me, and its relevance is certainly greater than anything else I shall ever know in my future. The present moment predicates a parting that shall never be reversed.  She didn’t want to accompany me any further on the road before me, it was clear. She couldn’t even if she wanted to. Both of us were bound by conventions and rituals of the society we live in.

All of a sudden, my heart hardened up and I began to feel positive about the separation. Why should I feel bad about something that doesn’t involve a fallacy on my part? She should harbour similar feelings, if not same thoughts about our parting, and it didn’t look like she felt anything. She seemed to have a  stone for a heart. She must also have similar negative thoughts about parting. It must be as heavy and uncomfortable for her as it is for me. If it isn’t, she doesn’t deserve a bit of attention from me.

She didn’t appear to be concerned about the fact that we were never to meet again. There was a blank expression on her face when I searched for some reasons for our parting. I’m sure there were a lot of secrets ciphered between the lines that crisscrossed her clear and lovely face. I wanted to know some details of our next rendezvous, but she was bent on parting without revealing any secrets. We might exchange a few smiles whenever and wherever we meet again, but they were not going to have any relevance for either of us. Our worlds shall have changed.

I don’t know if I should look forward to the change that shall be a part of my life by that time. I now understand she was celebrating the very change when I saw a blank face before me. She had a clear image of someone special who was going to hold her hand quite tightly, perhaps even tighter than I had ever held.

I hope they live happily ever after.