The Changed Equations

The Changed Equations

I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. I did it all the same. There is nothing right or wrong when you are in love, and I was in love ---- that’s all that counts. I was looking at her through a vacuum created by the society we live in, but the vacuum didn’t permit her to raise her vision and look at me. Most probably, she didn’t even know I was there looking at her. a long time had gone by since the last time I saw her in the examination-hall. The moon had certainly not changed, although a lot of time had certainly gone by.

I was looking at her even as she wasn’t even aware of my presence. The eatery in Big Bazaar didn’t have many tables, and she occupied the one nearest to the entrance. She did appear a bit changed; the hue and colour could be probably be attributed to matrimony; but I couldn’t be sure. It didn’t matter a lot now ---- the equations were changed on my part too.

I wasn’t exactly married, I wasn’t even engaged, but I was committed to someone I had never known in my life. It was a typical Indian case ---- issues of matrimony are settled by the elders at home. The Home Ministry had chosen someone who was to be someone special in my life. I don’t think I held any rights to look at the young lady before me enjoying her piece of fast-food. Time had turned things around for both of us. I was headed for the moon, and she was probably already there.

I was a victim in the hands of time. The appointed time for her bliss had come, while I would probably have to wait a bit longer for the appointed time to take over the dim part of my life. I’ve been waiting for a long time, I wonder how much longer I would have to wait for my dreams to come true.

I console myself with the belief that the destination I’m headed for might be where I wanted to be after all. It is certainly a satisfactory experience when you are finally at a definite destination. But the end of my journey would be the beginning of another adventure --- one that might be much more exciting, or it could leave me twice as miserable.

The adventure and the end it brings me to would be quite significant. I hope it would make the adventure in Big Bazaar insignificant. I hope things turn out well.

The Window In The Room

The Window In The Room

A purblind day was struggling against the fog. She had to gather a lot of courage to open the shuttered lattice of the room and look out into a world of sunshine and happiness. These were some of the elements missing from our married life. She wished she had had the courage to break through the window at an earlier instance, but her fate was sealed with me now.

I was aware of a bit of dissonance on her part with respect to the alliance, but I didn’t have an idea of its gravity. I certainly would never have favoured matrimony had I had an inkling of the passion she had for him. She was madly in love with him. Love has the power to blind one’s sight, and this was the case with her. She could only look at the cauldron of virtues he held in his hands. She could not see the wide gorge of social and cultural differences separating them.

Although they were in love, the dense fog of social and cultural affiliations swirled around them, and it was not possible for any of them to break through the fog. She did her beat to convince him into wading to her side, but he refused to budge from his orthodox religious moorings.

But love is something that can’t be stopped or blocked by anyone in any manner. It finds its own route, and simply flows on. She sought similitudes even as there were differences between them. Cupid flashed such a strong light into her eyes that she was unable to see anything but love. So, the bonhomie between them shot the rapids and she prepared to flee her parents’ abode.

Her parents plunged into the picture and persuaded her against the decision. Innovative thinking on her part could not help her out in any manner now. She had no choice but to follow the diktats of her fate now. She could not gather her courage to rebel, to look out of the window and elope with him, so she found herself in the room  on a winter day with me.

The winter day had foggy weather. Things had changed since we were brought together. Time had flowed on. I believe time is the best agent for change in our lives. Over time, she would certainly get over her attraction for him. My company would be the balm serving to anoint all the wounds. I hope the magic of time works out well in out case.             

I sometimes feel confident of wining over her love as time goes by. The windows of the room she was in were encrusted with dirt, so they made the weak winter sunshine dimmer even as youth, hope and beauty looked through them. Daylight flooded into the room as she loosened the shutters flooding it with hope, happiness and joy. I hope a similar aura spreads all over our lives.

THE CATALYST FOR THE CHANGE

THE CATALYST FOR THE CHANGE

Her photograph was all the physical evidence I had of her existence. I wasn’t sure if it signified anyone special in my life. Looking at it was quite like my attempts at breaking the monotony of life by the sips of Pepsi I enjoy once in a while. The face in the photograph seemed to be looking straight at me; it wanted to say something to me: I wish I could give it all my ears. The eyes were quite livid with life; they wanted all my attention: I wish I could keep looking at them forever and a day. I wondered if the eyes would infuse a fresh gust of life in me.

Life’s adventures and misadventures had left me badly bruised and injured. They had managed to suck out all the fun and mirth from my life. They had left me looking at the world through a pair of glasses whose lenses had been badly stained with scratches. I was struggling against a fog that got even more dense as I moved on. The density of the fog would certainly go down with the passage of time, I was sure. Things would certainly get better, and she would be the catalyst for the changes time would usher into my life.

Time would continue to march over Rip Van Winkles insisting on the importance of embracing change and novelty in life. Time would certainly march over several Sleeping Beauties waiting for their princes. The face in the photograph could be my  Sleeping Beauty with her eyes open, and I might be the prince she had been waiting for. The ideal situation would have put many Sleeping Beauties before me, but this was not the ideal situation. Time had done its best to wreck havoc all over my life; all this had left me in a mess. I looked at the face for the tenth time as if to make sure she was still there. She might be the one appointed to clear all the mess in my life.

But I wasn’t sure if I wanted anyone, let alone the one in the photograph, to do it. I just might add some more weight to the bulk awaiting clearance in her case. I certainly didn’t want this to happen, I didn’t want to add dungeons to anyone’s woes. I didn’t want to drag anyone into the quagmire of suffering and uncertainty in my life. But I did want to be the agent behind all the smiles on the face in the photograph. I did wonder if I could supply all that was needed for those smiles.

The truth was that I didn’t have much of a choice. Orthodox Indian traditions seldom leave a choice, specially where matrimony is in question. My destiny was probably sealed with her for quite a long time to come. There would be an element of novelty that would merit some changes in our lives. I hope Rip Van Winkle helps both of us in adapting to the changes.

THE LINGERING FRAGRANCE

THE LINGERING FRAGRANCE

The sweet fragrance of her perfume clung to the tapestry for a long time even after she left the sofa. It took me back to the first time we had  seen each other. We had been living close-by for a long time, but we were introduced to each other that day.

I had never seen her before, but here was someone I would have to put for quite a long time to come. The glass wall of orthodox Indian traditions divided us even on the first day. We could see each other through the wall, but the image was a bit hazy. Both of us wanted to break the wall, but none of us had the courage to do it.

In desperation, my gaze travelled to other props in the room. The portrait at the other end of the room provided a comprehensive view of a sunset. Sunset has never been a novel phenomenon in my life. It has always been synonymous with several changes and novelties ushered into my life at different occasions. Here was another sunset, and this one probably symbolized the end of my celibacy.

The problem was that I was approaching the Christmas of my life, and unlike the Christmas in real life, this one was not very pleasant. Several realities of life had been laid bare and naked; they had sucked away all the excitement of life. There had been several ups and downs in my life, there had been bright and gay moments, but the encounters with life in the past few years have equated them to a dark and dismal night. I did wonder if she could bring the night to an end.

I sometimes wonder what other facts of life the apparent darkness of my life conceals. There has to be something bright at the other end; there has to be light at the end of the tunnel; there has to be silence beyond the entire medley. All of it would remain a mystery till the light of early dawn penetrates my life. I did wonder if she would be the source of this light.

She would certainly be the bedrock over which I would thrash out all my sorrows. She would give me some company through the arduous journey of my life. The glass wall dividing us on our first meeting would eventually wither away, but the fragrance of her perfume would linger on with the tapestry for quite some time. I hope she leaves behind a stronger fragrance all over my life.