Holding Hands Forever

Holding Hands Forever
I held her hand quite tightly. It was warm with blood that rushed to her palms as her fingers clasped mine. The very contact was enough to propel me into paradise: the celestial body always descended to a lower level while we were together. None of us wanted to let go of each other’s hand: none of us wanted to lose sight of the paradise that had come down before us. It was sure to vanish into thin air as soon as we let go of each other’s hands. We huddled a bit closer if only to be assured of each other’s presence.

It was only the presence of the other person that pushed us into paradise, and made us feel good. I liked to be with her because it was the only way I could forget  all the angst and all that the world had pushed into me by virtue of my inability to   secure an employment. I forgot everything in the world, everything except her, while she was with me. I held her hand as if it were the only hope of survival for someone sinking in a river. I wish I had an idea of the thoughts she harboured in her mind while she held my hand, but I can never have an idea of the feelings that flowed through her being while I was with her.

There was a typical feminine scent in her presence, and although I couldn’t smell it myself, I was sure she regaled in the typical smell of my masculinity too. I wonder if she found it as intoxicating as I found the  sweet smell of femininity that hovered around her being. She didn’t give me a feedback on this, but, apparently, she was quite happy. It made me happy too.

I was thrilled with the thought that I held powers to make someone happy. It instilled a typical satisfaction within me for the basic purpose of living is being satisfied and content. There was a catharsis effected within me deeper than that effected on witnessing a melodrama.

The melodrama of our life was to bring several acts and scenes enacted by a host of protagonists and even antagonists, the principal being the two of us. Our antics are to propel the drama through its various acts and scenes to its climax, which is to precede the final end.

I understand that the drama is being enacted for keeping everyone busy and engaged for a while. There doesn’t seem to be any other reason behind staging of the drama. All protagonists have to enact their parts and have to move on to the backstage. This is where none of the drama being enacted on the stage is to be visible to anyone, but the show is to go on regardless of the diminished visibility to those in the backstage.

The plot of the drama was scripted a long time before the galaxies existed and all characters and even the theme were decided a long time ago. All props on the stage were kept in the proper place a long time back. It is only the actors who didn’t have a whiff of what was to be before them till they were actually on the stage, and the show was in progress.

The final act of the drama is such a mystery that many of the actors who enacted the drama began to wish if only to know how it is to run and how it is to end. It is prohibited to predict the end of the drama, or even to get a whiff of it, but it so happened that the protagonists’ curiosity got the better of them, and they got a hint of what is to come. They found themselves performing acts and scenes the way they were predicted to happen. Everything was pre-mediated; even their being curious about the final act of the play, and curiosity impelling them to get to know the future was a part of a script. Their prior knowledge of the script couldn’t do anything to help the protagonists or even the antagonists enact the drama.

Because everything was decided in advance, and yet there was an element of surprise and spontaneity, all acts and scenes of the drama left a typical dissatisfaction within the actors. They realised it could have been enacted in a better manner. Everything would have been different had it been rehearsed and had everything been preplanned by them, and not by someone else. But it so happened that none of the actors knew anything of the script, so the show couldn’t be rehearsed in any manner. This brought an element of surprise that came to be ingrained in each act. All the same, it made the show all the more exciting.

All actors on stage pledged to prepare themselves for each act if they got another chance to be a part of the play. The problem is life never gives a second chance, the opportunity to improve our performance in each act never comes our way. Somehow or the other, the wisdom we have collected over the years of our existence and life’s experiences are nullified when they are to be applied to future generations.

Many of those who want to improve the quality of the show to be staged in future end up in despair because it is simply not possible to direct a different pre-scripted drama to an end differently from what is scripted. A utopian end is to be found only in a show enacted in our dreams. The idealised world in our dreams is quite different from the reality that is to be improved. We do our best to discover collations between the two worlds and this is what makes the world go around its axis.

There is an element of novelty to be discovered every day as the world goes around its axis. We do our best to relate the reality before us with the world in our dreams. This puts up several challenges before us because the reality can never be the same as the world in our dreams. We are challenged to mould the reality as per our   dreams because there is no way our dreams can ever be altered.

There are fresh challenges before all of us every day. There are to be a hundred and one fresh challenges before us each day of our lives. There are to be a hundred and one challenges before us even in the paradise before us. It is not going to be perfect world without any problems or issues. A few moments of peace and happiness is all we can hope for getting when we hold hands.

 I hope we discover an equal warmth, peace and happiness whenever we hold hands again in future.

Zeenat: A Stronger Force Than Gravitation In My Life

Zeenat: A Stronger Force Than Gravitation In My Life
Unconditional love is always stronger than the experience when two people love each other, it is said. This means my love for Zeenat is to be stronger than what is to be experienced at any other front. There are to be a whole lot of relations I am to discover while I move along the paths of life holding Zeenat’s hands, but I and Zeenat shall hold each other’s hands quite tightly throughout the sojourn. The bond is to be stronger than any other bond I shall ever form in the future or any I have ever formed in the past.

Practically, Zeenat is to signal the dawn of a new era in my life where there is to be bright sunshine for a long time. A long day is to be followed by a short and brief night, but it will be further abbreviated by the feeling of wellness propelled within me by virtue of the contrast provided by the long day I shall go though. I do wonder what other miracles Zeenat shall effect in my life when she joins me. Zeenat is like a fairy to me who has powers to dispel quite a bit of the angst and stress collected in me over decades of my existence.

I do wonder if I’m heading in the right direction when I am harbouring a lot of expectations from an entity yet to be born. She is someone who stands in full regalia of my future beckoning me towards her. She has been doing this for  a long time, but I haven’t been able to do anything concrete about following the signs she has been making. She has been calling me from a far off distance with all kinds of fluctuations and variations in her voice, I haven’t been able to do anything about any of the shrill cries, and I strongly feel I have been wrong in ignoring her signals. I wish I could have done something concrete about it at an earlier point of time; life would have been quite different.

At times I feel the abstract form of Zeenat to be better than any concrete reality. The abstract form doesn’t have any fallacies or foibles. It shall be replaced by a concrete form which is sure to have a lot of these. The concrete form is also  sure to have a lot of wishes which I shall have to transform into a reality as soon as possible. I’m not sure if I shall be in a position to fulfill all her wishes; some of them shall be disproportionate to my potentials, but I’ll have to do my best. I’ll do my best to stick to the track I have been walking on in the hope of finding Zeenat on it one day, and I hope I can find the means of satisfying her needs on the same track.

The track I have been walking on is certainly a long one. I should have opted for a shorter path, but my fate put me on a long track which is quite arduous to walk over. I sometimes wonder why fate chose to honour me with a strikingly different route from what it chose for the crowd, and yet I have been pushed around with the crowd in a typical manner. I have had to adopt many norms of the crowd although I stand out by virtue of the longer route to happiness and satisfaction I chose. I shouldn’t have chosen a longer route to happiness; I wish I had gone with the crowd; I might have been a long way ahead of the destination by now.

I can never complain of the destination being shifted ahead for me as I neared it. It wasn’t the mirage I saw in a desert. I have been moving in a single direction, and the destination is certainly drawing nearer; it is only that I fail to perceive myself inching closer of the destination. This is because Zeenat remains the abstract entity she once was because a lot of equations are still to be solved. I can solve them by  moving in the direction I have been, although a still larg number of equations still remain unsolved.

I am in no hurry to solve the unsolved equations. This has been the nadir of the situation. I have not been in an apparent hurry to solve any of the equations that should be solved before Zeenat can be a part of the world. I haven’t felt the urgency behind preparing  any of the solutions. I have been under the impression that fate is to follow its own course, and like everything has happened in my life without my making any conscious effort for it, Zeenat shall also be here one day by herself when the appointed time comes. I haven’t done anything to pull the appointed time nearer, and I don’t  think I ever could have done anything concrete in this direction. This is why fate has chosen to delay her arrival into my life.

Well, I certainly cannot do anything concrete about it; I never was in a position to do anything concrete about Zeenat and her arrival into the world. I’m to follow the dictates of my fate throughout my life. It is to decide when Zeenat is to brighten up my life. Every inch of it is to be decorated with all the colours of the rainbow one day when she shall be a part of my world.

I hope the day is not far off.

Is It Worth All The Trouble?

Is It Worth All The Trouble?
There isn’t an iota of happiness in my life. I’ve been walking through an arid desert with a lot of cacti and absolutely no green vegetation. I fail to spy the oasis promised to be before me at an end of the desert. The oasis was to be a reward for the endurance I display while in the desert. There is an arid and dry aura in the endless desert typical to itself,   I knew this was to be the order of the day once I’m in the desert.

The walk has been quite tiring and exhaustive because the sand in the desert has made my journey quite a drag. I have begun to feel a bit thirsty as more and more moisture within me finds itself into the dry air surrounding me. A lot of sand and dust particles are flying around with the wind, they are finding their way into my nose and ears. Stress and anxiety have  become the order of the day within my being as the aura without me is being filled with heat and dust borrowed from the sun and desert. The feeling of being uncomfortable is gathering pace within me as the forces of nature do their best to propel me to make efforts to find a way into the vivid world outside the desert.

The stress and tension I experience shall not be a part of the milieu I’m to find in the world beyond the desert, I know. I should do my best to come out of the desert as soon as possible. It shall only be a temporary relief, I know. There is simply no end to the stress I experience.

There are to be several oases in the desert, but not all of them are to be the ideal ones I should pause at. In the proper course of events, I should ignore all oases that are a part of the itinerary. If I pause for a break at any of the oases, it is only going to prove to be a waste of time. There is nothing in an oasis that can be better than the relief I shall experience once I’m out of the desert. I should do my best to come out of the desert as soon as possible.

I hope I find the alleged pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, although I sometimes feel I’ve been moving towards a mirage that is to keep moving ahead as I inch closer to it. the only option is to maintain a straight itinerary. I do my best to follow the straight path to happiness as far as I can. An inch of diversion can prove to be fatal for me and my happiness. All the same, I don’t have another source of navigation in the desert except for the straight line. I only hope the alleged horse serves to pull me to the final goal, whatever it may be. The sand I find below my feet is doing its best to delay my progress, there are hot winds blowing in the direction opposite to the one I want to follow. I have to do my best to counter the flow of sand and dust.

Doing one’s best is never  a guarantee to getting the best in life. It is an open gamble one plays with one’s fate when one does his or her best to succeed in getting the best out of life. Chances are that you shall get to the destination you are headed for, just as there are all chances of your never getting to the destination. There is always a chance of your not reaching the destination at all, and all your efforts shall go into the gutter. A lot of the results are going to bank on the direction of the flow of rivers of destiny. But for those who play to win, the gamble is all about winning the game. They don’t count destiny as  a part of the game; they count on their own efforts to get to the destination in time.  It is all about getting to the destination on time. You just might fall into the last category; you might try your luck at a throw of the die.

A large number of players are those who play a game end up losing all they have in the gambit. Such players are at an advantage over other players because they don’t have anything to lose if they play a game beyond this point. This is a rare instance that occurs only in a few special cases. A majority of instances are where everyone hse  a lot at stake and winning a game becomes as important as living is to dying. Everyone plays the game to win. There is always a jackpot to be won, and everyone is out to claim the jackpot.

The precise and exact definition of the jackpot varies from person to person. The final quest is for satisfaction and happiness. There are different routes to happiness, and I was certainly not on the shortest route to discover happiness in my life: there isn’t any happiness to be found on the track I have been walking on. It is going to be best for me to alter my route to happiness as soon as possible. A change can be created by walking in a different way. I shall stumble and fall, I shall wobble and tumble a lot, I shall falter and hesitate, but I shall eventually reach the destination.

I hope the destination proves to be worthy of all the trouble it was for me to get there.

Scoring A Goal From The Penalty-Mark

Scoring A Goal From The Penalty-Mark
The cold weather is receding at a rapid pace. Very soon , in a couple of weeks, there shall be no signs of the cold winds that were the order of the day a couple of weeks back. The incumbent weather is quite pleasant, but better days are sure to come. I hope she rides on the waves of the pleasant weather that she is to bring with herself, and rings a lot of sonorous bells I want to hear. I can already hear some chimes, but I want to give an ear to the entire melody.

There will be a hot summer following this which is going to be quite uncomfortable, I know.  A spell of cold weather is sure to follow, and the cycle is to continue, although I do wonder when the winters of my life is going to be replaced by a good weather and when will hot wind blow in my life.

I don’t know if I ought to be grateful to my stars for the prolonged spell of cold weather in my life. the cold winters are said to be a lot better than the hot winds in the summers I shall have to bear one day. I don’t know if there is any veracity in this statement. Hot winds shall not be as hot as they are for everyone because everyone doesn’t have to go through the same heat and dust as I have had to. There is an altogether different aura for everyone.

I guess I shall be in a better position to appreciate the warm weather in hot summers that are to come my way if I can absorb a bit of the cold winters without shivering in any way. Even if I shiver and fall ill, it is not going to make a difference to the flow of seasons. There is to be a regular and continuous flow of time, and it is going to bring a cool weather again.

The present spell of cold winters may be an indication of a cool spring and some really hot summers. I don’t think I look forward to a hot summer in my life, but it shall be a good change from the cold weather I see around me today. I shall be in a better position to appreciate the warmth because I have felt the cold weather in its typical way, in ways different from what others have perceived it to be. This way, I shall be rewarded for my patience in a typical way which is going to be better than what others shall get after the spell of cold weather in their life.

Everyone has a bit of cold weather in one’s life, and everyone looks forward to the warm weather that is supposed to herald better days. The hot weather is not going to be pleasant, but it too, like everything else, shall pass. Time shall continue to march on in its quest of an unknown destination, and so will everything in the world. The march is going to be an endless one, and it is to end only when our world   comes to an end one day leaving all of us wondering what went wrong, and where we went wrong.

The truth is nothing went wrong. Everything has followed a master-plan sketched out a long time before even humans existed. The time has faded into ignominy, no one bothers to think about it, and practically, no one can do anything about it. I badly wish I could change some details in the master-plan in a bid to rewind the movie of my life. A lot of details need to be changed, but this is not possible.

The future is a possibility that is not known to any of us. The future may bring her into my life where there is an apparent drought of happiness. I strongly feel she is the only one who can wipe out the incumbent drought in my life. I firmly feel she has all powers to moisturise even the driest dune of sand in Sahara. I may be wrong, but for the time being, it is not a bad proposition if only to keep up my hopes. All my hopes  may be destined to sink in the ocean, but I can’t do anything more than hope.

I only have to peer into others’ life to console myself with the thought of luxuries I enjoy that others don’t. There are several blessings granted to me I take for granted, but I can appreciate them only if I look into the life of those beneath me in the social ladder. This is how I can be grateful for whatever I have been given wholeheartedly.

On the other hand, this is not the road to progress in the worldly sense. For progress to be possible, it is essential to look at those above me in the social ladder. I must feel a bit jealous of those above me, and there should be an anxiety within me to achieve what others have. There should be some amount of stress within me to propel me to the stars my peers are already at. There should be a spirit of healthy competition between me and my peers. There should be some level of satisfaction I must make efforts to get to.

All the stress required to propel someone to the stars is already a part of my being. It only has to have a domino effect on my senses. My senses need to be activated to make me make efforts for getting to the goal-post and kick the ball into the goal-post. Scoring a goal is badly needed for my team to win.  I wish there was some way to rewrite my destiny which has transcribed such struggles in my life before scoring a goal. I have had to be a witness to the consequences of several penalty-corners and have had to bear several penalty-kicks from the penalty-mark.

I  hope I can kick the ball into the opponent’s goal-post and scored a goal for myself soon.

A Resolution Made Before The Ship Sunk

A Resolution Made Before The Ship Sunk
I made a firm resolution not to think of her from that day. Practically, I didn’t have a choice; it was going to be quite bad for me if I continue to hold on to the strings of life as I did till now. I tied a tight knot in my mind to remind myself of my resolution. She lost her celibate status that day, and had to move on in life like a ship leaves some of its passengers stranded on an island it had halted on for a little while; the ship itself moves on.

The problem is that I simply couldn’t stop thinking of her throughout the day. Over the past few months, she had graduated from being a mere acquaintance to someone special.  She dominated my thoughts throughout the day, and probably roamed around in my dreams too. I had to bring an end to all this. I had to find some sort of fallacy in her which was going to propel an amount of dissonance within me for her. There didn’t seem to be an option before me if I had to stop thinking of her.

It was going to be morally wrong even to think of her from now on, I know. I was going to lose all rights I held over her till now; I don’t think I ever held any rights over her, but at the very least, I held a right to think of her. I still harbour her thoughts most probably because they give me some amount of relief from the anarchy of the world. There was is a lot of angst collected within me thanks to the tons of experiences I have had over the many decades of my existence. Somehow, I know she is the only one who can push it out of me and replace it with the typical love and care she had in her heart for me.

I didn’t know her feelings for me were to be claimed by someone else. He was to get all her love and care, while I am not supposed to get anything in the bargain. The barter of emotions is to take place in a little while. I sometimes wonder if she deserved to be a part of me. I firmly believe fate pushes you in the company of a partner you deserve. You get a partner because you deserve to get him or her. The alliance is predestined. This way, she was not destined for me, or in other words, she didn’t deserve to be with me. I deserve to be with someone better than her.

There had been a lot of special moments of companionship between the two of us; I can’t help thinking of her whenever I have to think of something bright and pleasant. The deviant manner in which my life has been flowing has brought so many dull and dry moments in my life that I have had to resort to her thoughts as at least a momentary escape from them several times in the past. She had always been besides me through thick and thin. Merely thinking of her makes me feel good and happy, particularly when I find myself down in the dumps. Her thoughts are an escape from the incongruity of the reality with what I perceive as the ideal.

An ideal life I dream of is one without any of the stress and tension I experience in my day-to-day life. But there is so much of stress and tension in ordinary life that I feel cowed down by it. I simply can’t bear any of it any longer without someone’s help. She was the ideal one I had in my mind who was going to help me live  a better life. she has moved on in life, and I too have to move on.

She was the cargo-ship which carried a lot of cargo in it. Incidentally, some of it belonged to me so I too was  affected when the ship went sinking down the ocean along with its cargo. The cargo was such that it could be put to good use only while the ship floated on the surface of the ocean. The cargo-ship has a lot of my emotions in its hull. They are to sink with the ship, and there is very little I can do about it. The ship is to sink in a few days, creating a whirlpool in the ocean around it. I am going to be the first person to be sucked into the ocean, and he will be the next one to be sucked down. She will follow us, and eventually, all three of us will find ourselves at the bottom of the ocean.

The only way out was if all of us stopped thinking of each other. He was to have her before him throughout the day and night too, he won’t be interacting with me in any manner, so he won’t get to know anything about me. She is to have him in the same capacity of her husband, so it won’t be possible for her to forget him. I shall not be in her conscious mind, and I shall soon slip into a memory she is going to laugh at. I shall have to do my best to get rid of the typical balm I have used for all maladies, and which I think can’t be replaced. I’ll have to look for an alternative.

I hope I find one soon.

Winning The Battle Of Life

Winning The Battle Of Life
I badly wish Zeenat were a part of the throbbing and vibrating world before me. I know I’m not the one to decide the time when she is going to be a part of my life, but this is only a wish. I can only make some wishes and pleas before Allah. There is nothing in the world more about this I can do. I simply can’t do anything to bring the time destined for her entry into my life closer than it is.

I do wonder if everything is supposed to happen at an appointed time, what is the use of my making pleas before Allah. No one can change a prescripted destiny, it is said. I do wonder if Allah has some power over the destiny He has scripted for me. If everything is to happen at an appointed time, how can my pleas before Allah bring an event closer in my history?

If destiny rules superior over everything, why shouldn’t I worship my destiny? I made a couple of pleas while circumferencing the Kaaba in 2010. I don’t know how many violate the master-plan laid out in my destiny. I don’t know how they are to come true. It is said that all pleas I made while going around the Kaaba are to be accepted. Will Allah change my destiny to make them come true? I thought no one can change one’s destiny; it was transcribed a long time before the galaxies were created. Does Allah possess the powers to effect a change in the master-plan He crafted for me? Allah is capable of everything, it is said.

A part of the problem is that I gave an attentive ear to a couple of predictions made by a soothsayer by interpreting the lines on my palms. Surprisingly, almost  all of them have come true. I wish I had not paid attention to any of the prophecies. It really shakes my belief in Allah. This is why it is forbidden to consult a soothsayer from an Islamic point of view.

I got a few hints of the master-plan transcribed for me. It is Allah’s grace that He transcribed our destinies on our palms, or is it merely a fluke that all predictions have come true? I  shouldn’t have consulted the soothsayer, but my consultation was also a part of the master-plan. It was to give some amount of relief from the dissonance I would have had had  I not known that events in my life have followed a predetermined  pattern of which I was apprised of a long time back. I do feel a bit relieved when I think of my helplessness over the course of events my life has followed and it is to follow from now on. I can never do anything to counter any of the prophecies.

I could never have done anything to help myself if everything was to follow a set pattern. I did my best to counter the predictions made, this is all I can have ever done, but events occurred as predicted. All my efforts to go against the dictates of my fate have been useless. Most probably, my fate only wanted me to make my best efforts to counter itself. I learnt quite a few important lessons of life while doing this.

Viewing all this from a different point of view, the predictions made propelled an urge within me to see the world in the form it was predicted. So,  unconsciously, I did my best to see a world where the predictions come true. In a way, this implies I wanted everything to go wrong because I feel everything has certainly gone wrong for me. I may be wrong. This is the right sequence of events for my being.

I didn’t take any wrong turns, as I think I did. I have been marching on the track delineated by my fate, so I didn’t take any wrong decisions in my life, never. Everything has been correct and as per the master-plan. I had a faint idea of what it is, so it gives me a sense of satisfaction of being on the right track. I never drifted away from the right track, as I sometimes think I did.

Events I deem to be tragic in my life have given me resilience to bear through such events in  future, and they have made me stronger than ever before. My destiny wanted me to be strong enough to bear such tragedies in life, so I was served a small dose at an early instance. This is something like the immunity one develops to some diseases when injected with a small amount of infection. There      certainly are some minor ramifications of this, but they are nothing as compared to the actual infection one has been made immune to.

My guess is the predictions made me make efforts to see them come true. Unconsciously, I have been doing my best to make all predictions come true. All events that have occurred have been following a predetermined pattern because I have done my best for the pattern to be what it has been. The predictions made me make efforts for them to come true. All my efforts  I made to counter the predictions didn’t materialise because I never made any. I have been under the impression I made such efforts because I want to see a world where I fight every battle like a gallant warrior.

I hope the gallant warrior does win some battles in life and I do get to see Zeenat in a concrete form in a couple of years.

My Grief Finds An Exit

My Grief Finds An Exit
I felt like hiding my face in her lap and weeping like a child. I wasn’t feeling very  low nor was there about anything to be ashamed of, but a typical catharsis was effected whenever I had done this in the past; there has been a strange kind of relief experienced whenever I had done this.  Literally, I was a child. I like to behave like a child whenever I was with her. there wasn’t a reason for me not to do this.

She took care of me like I was her child, a grown-up one, that is, and I loved her for this. I yearned for the selfless love of my mother, and she gave me the love, care and attention I wanted. The moments I spent with her were some of the most beautiful moments of my life. I was on the way to completing the practicality of being a child when I was contemplating on sinking my face into her lap.

Blood flowed at a rapid pace through my chest at that moment, and my chest suddenly became the hub of all kinds of emotions in the world. My heart always thumped wildly with emotions while she was before me, and I seriously thought of bringing out my heat’s contents before her at that moment. My heart had very little except her name  written on all its walls and chambers, I haven’t known any other name for a long time. She is the only one in my heart and she is the only one in my conscious world too: she was sitting before me like a queen on the couch at that moment. There was a lot of grief collected in my heart. It had to be brought out, and the time for their exit had come, I felt sure.

It was a typical situation where I didn’t need a spade or even a shovel to bring out my heart’s contents. They were already on their way to the outer world when I felt an impulse to preserve them in the format they were in, but the very next moment, I realised the futility of harbouring such ambitions. The flow of grief through my being and its exit in the form of tears was a spontaneous action and I soon felt better with at least some of my grief out of my being.

I have come to realise that it is always best to bring out one’s grief in whatever format it comes out and whenever it can be taken out. If let to collect within oneself, like it has within me, it is going to creates such a ruckus that it cannot be taken out using ordinary spades or shovels. There is no  way I can bring out all the grief collected within me over the years of my being except by crying. There was a lot of grief collected within me, and it was going to take a long time for all of it to come out in the format I wanted it to. It was going to be a slow process, but I wasn’t in a hurry to let out my grief. I wept for a long time.

There were a lot of tears on their way to the outer world while she was with me that day. She was going to be the soak-pit for all grief collected within me over all the years of my existence. There can be some disastrous consequences of I letting grief accumulate within me. I don’t think there is a way I can collect any of my tears in any form. Shedding them was almost a matter of life and death for me. They are to be absorbed by the fabric of the cloth she was wearing that day and they were to  evaporate in the air in a while.

They won’t leave behind any mark on me except for some sediments of salt on my cheeks, and they too are to be washed away when I use soap and water to clean my face. The only remnants that are to remain of the session are to be preserved in the form of deposits of salty tears on her dress. They are also to be washed away when the fabric is washed. Everything is to be washed and purged in a manner, except for the tons of grief that has deposited itself and hardened itself into rocks within me. I badly wish there was a way I can melt the rocks with the heat of lava flowing through me, but the tears on their way out of me were already working no making me feel good.

Life had not been easy for me; at least this is what I feel about myself. I feel this a bit more strongly than anyone else because my experiences with life haven’t been very good. Everyone has had their share of trials and tribulations, and I feel they have been extended a bit too long in my case. This can be a part of seeing a yellow world when one has an infection of jaundice. I think everyone is suffering only because I feel I have been suffering. I strongly feel everyone is unhappy, because I myself am unhappy. Finally, at the end of the day, the only person suffering in the world is me.

The world around me assumed a brighter texture and colour in a while when I shed some tears. I felt quite light and a lot better in a while. There were some marks on the mosaic floor of the room we were in of some drops of tears that had fallen down; they are big blobs on the floor.

I hope they too fade into ignominy soon.

A Ship Is To Fish Me Out One Day

A Ship Is To Fish Me Out One Day

My hand crept over her hand. She smiled in a typical manner, and withdrew her hand leaving me abashed. I wanted to hold her hand and hold it quite tightly like a sinking man clings to a straw for survival, but apparently, she didn’t want to let me hold on. For me, she was like the ship men in a lifeboat fleeing from a sinking ship see in the ocean. I thought she was going to extend her hand and pull me on deck, but she was aware of the consequences of accepting my gesture with a smile on her lips different from the one she let me witness at that time.

A slight variation of the curves of her lips at that time would have meant she harboured similar thoughts in her mind with respect to the relationship that existed only in my mind till that moment. An acknowledgement of my act was sure to have propelled within me a typical wish to behold a favourable end of the story initiated by me in a typical manner. She was aware of it not being feasible, although she too wanted it to end to it in a similar manner as soon as possible.

She was propelled by similar desires and wishes as within me when she let me sit by her side for a long time. After all, she was human too. They were some of the most beautiful moments of the day when I sat by her side and we shared a few thoughts. Somehow, I know similar thoughts ran through her mind every time we were together. All said and done, she was wiser than me because she knew the society wasn’t going to accept our relationship very easily, and she was not in a position to contest the values of the society. She was older than me in years, but I couldn’t acknowledge her wisdom in not reciprocating my gesture. I thought love transcends all barriers of age, but I was wrong.

Though there have been several instances where the woman is older than the man, yet the norm accepted in the society is the opposite. Signs of aging appear on women’s faces earlier than when they make their presence felt on men. I do wonder who made the rule that one of the partners should be younger, and I do wonder why almost all of us tend to follow this rule. I wish I could break the rigid traditions of the society we live in, and move on into a world where there are no rules, traditions or even laws.

I couldn’t help wondering at the myriad thoughts travelling at the speed of light through her mind at that moment that made her think of terminating an affinity between us before it developed. She knew I loved her, she knew I wanted to make her happy, and she too wanted to be happy the way I tried to make her happy. She knew there was a special bond between the two of us, and she didn’t want to let it break into pieces. And yet, we were standing at the point where a caesarean section was what was required.

She rose to leave, and I felt bad because I knew we were never to meet in a similar situation ever again. For a while, I felt bad about the way I had expressed my feelings for her. This was what had prompted her to leave me earlier than other days that day. I wanted to hold her hand forever and a day, but she had pulled it out of my reach probably because I had touched it.

It would have been a different story had I not attempted to make a display of my feelings for her by trying to hold her hand that day. She may have remained on her seat beside me for a long time that day, and she may even have been sitting by me today.

I lost the pleasure of her company that day by making an innocent gesture expressing my feelings. I wonder if there was something wrong with the way I articulated my feelings for her. There didn’t seem to be any other way of expression befitting the feelings I had for her and the moment of company.

The significance of her reaction had been digested by me a long time before it was actually served before me in the form it was; I too was aware of the discrepancy in our ages, and I too knew it was better not to expect a Utopian end to it.

There were to be several more moments of companionship in the park, but she chose to draw a line that day. Apparently, she knew a bit more of the way the world went around its axis than what I knew of the movement of the planets.

She was a keen star-gazer who had seen the disastrous consequences of our relationship in a crystal ball before me. The bone of contention was the difference in our ages, she knew. No amount of spells were going to bring back her youth or conversely, there was no way she could level the differences in our ages.

I wonder what future would have been scripted had the story seen a favourable end to our story. I shall be a witness to many more stories, but all of them shall push me further down the abyss of failure. There are many ships out at sea; one of them is going to fish me out soon.

A Ticket To Happiness

A Ticket To Happiness
I couldn’t help staring at the porcelain beauty before me for a long while even as she stood by a stall selling magazines. There were a lot of people around the railway-station vying for railway-tickets to their dream destinations. Quite a few wanted to go to their hometowns for the upcoming vacations, I wanted to go to Delhi; practically, everyone was looking for a bit of happiness in life.

All of us want only a bit of happiness from our life and we go to all ends to get it. The quest eventually turns into one for tons of happiness, and we are never satisfied with whatever we get. Although we do get a bit of what we are out for, it always seems to be less than what we bargained for with life. We have to be content and happy with whatever comes our way. I bargained with life for a whole lot of happiness, but I have to be content with whatever came to me, and it does seem to be quite less than what I bargained for. There are many others who don’t even get whatever little I have, and they blame their fate for not giving them a bare minimum of happiness.

The point is there isn‘t a single recipe for happiness that can cook a sumptuous meal that satisfies everyone. There is no single meal that is palatable to everyone, and the same quantity never fills all stomachs. Apparently, there is nothing that makes everyone perfectly happy. All of us need different amount of stimulation to make ourselves happy, and all of us make our best efforts to get the desired stimulation in whatever form whenever we can.

There are many of us who are stimulated by getting to climb high mountains, while others find the same amount of stimulation in reading books. A comparison of the two reveals varying amounts of adventures that lead to almost a similar amount of satisfaction. This is all that counts. This is what everyone at the railway-booking-counter was out for that day, a ticket to happiness.

Everyone wanted a page from the book of happiness to be written for them in a language and script they can easily follow. The script used to transcribe sounds for different people is different because everyone of us uses a different language for communication with our hearts. Most of the communication is at a metaphysical level.  I did wonder if she knew the language of my heart while she stood before me near the railway-booking-counter.

I didn’t know anything about her, and yet there was a typical femininity about her that bewitched me in a few moments. She seemed to be looking at a bag kept near me, but secretly, I wished she was looking at me. I began to wish I could fit into her need for stimulation if only for a while. It was like a dying wish within me. Nothing was more important for me at that moment.

 I was sure she had dark black eyes. There was the depth of a bottomless pit in them. I badly wanted her to look at me with her dark eyes at least for a while. I wanted to gauge the depth of the dark eyes. I’m sure the moment her gaze fell on me, it would have transferred my being to paradise. I badly wanted to be in paradise at that moment when everyone around me was trying to get a ticket to a place they deemed to be paradise. I did wonder what place she deemed to be paradise, and if it collated with the paradise I knew of. She didn’t seem to be interested in looking my way when, fortunately, a child crossed my way, and she turned to look towards it with a maternal instinct.

For a while, I began to wonder if she owned the child as its mother. She had a buxom body, and although her face drew collations with a young child, I did begin to cast doubts on her celibacy. There was no way of knowing for sure, there were no cultural symbols on her to declare her marital status, and I realised the worthlessness of this bit of knowledge in a while when she produced the first linguistic sounds before me.

The language we use in our daily life is moulded by our experiences and our lifestyle. As revealed by the language used by the lady, she belonged to a different social class. We have different backgrounds to our present moments. Our different backgrounds had moulded us into different individuals, and the difference brought out her real self despite the gaudy clothes she had on. There was a lot more to be discovered about the lady, I knew, but I didn’t want to know anything more about the beautiful young lady who had, for  a while, tricked my heart to follow her dreams. She was headed for a destination different from the one I was headed for.

I still wonder what value the differences in our beings held. We saw a different kind of dream when we slept because our sleep was a bit different from that of the other. A different stimulus pushed us to our feet every morning; we were satisfied by different amounts of stimulation while we were on our feet through the day. We held different ideals in our minds that pushed different and varying amounts of efforts to get the ideal amount of stimulation.

There was very little of commonality between the two of us. There has to be something in common between two people to know each other beyond the strangers we were. Apparently, there was nothing in common between us, and this is how a story ended before it could have even begun. Should I be grateful for the beginning that never was or for the end that was?

Someone Special Walks Out Of A Room

Someone Special Walks Out Of A Room
She was standing at the door of the room, but she was standing on her perch so quietly that I didn’t get a hint of her presence till she announced her decision to leave the room. I was standing at the other door, and I couldn’t hear her articulate the words. I didn’t get the hint when she left the company in the room. It was such an unceremonious exit that I didn’t get the time to prepare for it. It was more of a shock for me. Most events life has put before me have been unannounced and many have surprised me with their spontaneity.

Her exit from the room had a similar effect on me. I was taken aback by the unceremonious manner in which she left the room. She didn’t make any promises of being with me till the everyone else occupied the room, or even till the time the weather outside the room cleared. We were together in the room because we were destined to be together, and we had parted ways because we were destined to. I consoled myself with these thoughts.

We exchanged quite a bit of ourselves while we were together although we remained at other ends of the room. I discovered another being who looked at the world the way I did. The discovery was a surprise for me for I was under the impression I shall never find someone who saw the same image of the world through a different pair of glasses as the ones I used. Apparently, lenses on our glasses had the same power and similar aberrations.

A congruence at this end was favourable if we were to know each other beyond the strangers we were.  I did look closely at her; I may not be able to look at her ever again, I wanted to have my fill. The look propelled several emotions within me, several of which were on the verge of boiling out while I looked at her. I wasn’t sure if I should love her because I didn’t know anything about her. she was quite good looking. All the same, she became conscious of my stare in a while, and stared back at me as if asking me why I was looking at her. I looked away for a while taken aback by her response, but it seemed to be an eternity before I felt sure it was safe to look at her again.

I wish I could tell her she looked gorgeous in the paraphernalia of an invited guest to the wedding. Her red dress wanted to utter a lot of truths about the poor souls it had murdered while it was on her self that night. I'm sure it was a new dress; ladies take care to preserve a novelty for such occasions when they want to look better than the bride. I'm sure she would have outdone the bride if a competition was announced at that moment, but she chose to leave the room.

There wasn’t any sign on her to declare her marital status; for a while I did wonder whether I was barking up the wrong tree. I begin to comprehend the importance of showing off of one’s marital status that is an inherent part of some cultures, but not a part of my culture. There was no way of affirming her cultural moorings  either. All of it seemed to be irrelevant because she left the room the next moment, and took a lot of questions with her.

I felt my world coming to an end following her departure from the room. Everything came crashing down. She was the one who held the foundations of all  buildings in my dreams firmly in place, and when she walked out of the reality before me, she created a ruckus that shook the world before me like an earthquake makes a mountain quiver.

I became jealous of the world she had walked into to make it all the more spectacular and vivacious. I'm sure the world she had walked into was transformed into a paradise by virtue of her presence. All of a sudden, I lost all interest in the room I was in, its walls closed in on its occupants, and I wanted to be a part of the world she had walked into, if only to enjoy all the merits of her presence. I have an idea of the miraculous change she had effected on the room I was standing in. I feel a bit bad when I  think of it that I shall probably never see her again.

I began to wonder if I deserved to be in the world she had walked into, or even if I deserved to be in the room she was in. I'm aware of some amount of veracity in the dictum that you get what you deserve. I’m not sure if I deserve to be in the same world as she walks in. She has been kept away from me probably because I didn’t deserve her.

I sometimes feel I deserve to be with someone better than her. I only have to wait for the person who is better than her. I do wonder who it is going to be and how is the best going to be replaced by something better than it. nothing is better than the best, I know. This is the problem when you come across something you deem to be best. You are not likely to find anything better than it, although it may be around you all the time.

I’ll have to wait for the one who is better than her. It is going to be a long wait, but patience is always handsomely rewarded, it is said.

An Affirmative Answer

An Affirmative Answer
I took a deep breath; these were probably the last puffs of air I was breathing in as a celibate. The question put up before me was one that couldn’t get a negative reply. I wonder why the question is put up in the first place. I didn’t have an option. None of those preceding me had had any option when faced with the query. I was to forego a lot when I  gave an affirmative reply, and a negative reply wasn’t a possibility.

A major part of my life was now behind me, and I did feel a bit odd to be at the point rightfully occupied by others way down the ladders of time and age. A flashback of my past life went through my mind, but the present was more dynamic and vibrant. This was a typical situation where the question had to be answered in the affirmative, and yet I was wary of the consequences of an affirmative reply. The question had already been put up before her and an affirmative reply had been obtained. A word signifying affirmation by me was going to change my world forever and a day. Articulating the sounds wasn’t tough, but the consequences were going to be quite tough, but I didn’t have an option before me.

I was going to have to give up all my affinities with the past; I did wonder if it had anything worthwhile to be cherished any longer. There were a lot of stories that were incomplete; they formed a comprehensive graveyard in my memory. An occasional stroll through the dying embers was all that I was allowed to do till now, and the next step in life was going to take away all such liberties I had enjoyed till now. I knew I had to move on trampling ruthlessly over my past, and forget everything about it, but moving on was quite a tough proposition.

I thought of staying where I was standing. This was one of the toughest propositions. While my peers and contemporaries were already near the end of the journey, I found myself preparing to begin the deep dive. A voice reminded me it was too late for second thoughts; I was already knee deep in the muck. I had best take a deep breath and plunge myself completely into whatever I had pushed myself in. All avenues to a safe exit had been closed a long time back.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted an avenue for an exit. There was an impulsive thrust to break all traditions and conventions and march out of the dilemma, but I controlled the urge to do anything extraordinary. This wasn’t really a tough job because a part of me really wanted to move on. I only had to pacify the other part of me that wanted to remain standing where I stood.

A stationary object is an easy target for adversities of all sorts to strike, while those who are on the move are less likely to be hit by any kind of calamities. Moreover, remaining at the point I was standing at was going to take away a lot of my health and well-being. So, the question to be answered at this point is not if I wanted to move on. I didn’t have an option now.

Life has not given me a lot of options, never. There have always been junctions where apparently, there are a lot of options to choose from, but not all available choices have been feasible. The option available has not always been exactly what I have wanted it to be, but one cannot expect to get all one wants from life.

The truth has been that there have never been a lot of choices in my life; there has always been a single path before me, and I have had to walk on it, whether it has been made of gravel or from bricks or even if it is a dirt-road. The present walk has brought me to a road that leads to an end that is a lot different from what my peers have found. The difference has been highlighted in a negative manner and I almost wish I had never begun to walk.

Remaining where I am standing is out of the question. Even if I overlook the competition put up by my peers, it is not possible for me to remain stationary and yet answer all questions of in the examination of life. The examination I was going to have to appear for is going to be quite tough, and I shall not be able to answer any questions if I didn’t move on in quest of answers.

Practically, I only have to move on, and all answers shall be in my mind. I shall only have to articulate relevant replies to relevant queries. The question before me at this point of life had been articulated in the purest form, and it demanded an affirmative reply. A negative reply was out of the question, however much I may wish to make a negative one. The affirmative reply was being framed in the back of my mind, and it was preparing to make an exit, when a voice within me called me to consider my decision.

There is a lot at stake, I reminded my inner conscience. There is no way I can come out of the intricate maze I find myself in by thanks to a different itinerary delineated for me. I don’t think I hold any rights to question the one who chalked out the itinerary as to the reason behind the difference. I wish I could ask anyone as to why I have had a lot of experiences in life that are a bit different from anyone else’s.

There have been different routes leading to happiness for me, and I have had to  walk on them, I haven’t had any choice. The incumbent problem was that there was a route to alleged happiness before me, and I had no choice but to walk on it. I hope I do find some happiness one day.

Falling Into Pits

Falling Into Pits
Her eyes were two bottomless pits I didn’t want to fall into, but I did tip into them in a little while. I didn’t know anything about her till that moment, but I fell in love with her eyes before I fell in love with her whole self. They were the most beautiful entry-points into a soul I’ve ever seen. I found myself exploring her soul the next moment for secrets she had confided to her eyes only. The world around me darkened as her eyelids closed over the eyes and I lost my point of exit for a moment. I’m not sure if I wanted to get out of the casement once I was in it. The confinement was voluntary, and I was loving it.

There was an intricate maze within the eyes leading to the beautiful world she had seen with her eyes. I wanted to see all the sights, and I wanted to lose myself in the maze. This was when she thought of peeping into my eyes, and I knew I was to be liberated from the voluntary confinement now. I had to come out of her eyes and explore the larger world around her.

I really loved the way she looked at me with her eyes. There was a look on her face like she was looking at the sunrise in the east while on an open terrace when she raised her lowered eyebrows, and I loved it. I enjoyed the attention she gave me while she was seated on the chair before me. I wanted her to enjoy the attention I gave her in return; I was   willing to give her all of my attention, and it wasn’t a favour I was bestowing on her. I was getting quite a bit of attention in return.

The important point is  the background score of my life needs to be changed as soon as possible. All different notes of music need to be rewritten to produce the best symphony when played together. These notes may even be replaced by other notes to obtain the desired result. This can be done only if she is willing to be a part of my life. I don’t think anyone else can ever do it. Moreover, I wanted her to enjoy the credit of being the agent of transformation. She will do it by virtue of being a part of me, and I shall be doing the same for her, I know.

There was quite a bit of our future at stake at the moment. Both of us were in a position to make or mar each other’s future. A single word signifying  a negative comment from either of us was sure to bring down the edifice of our dreams. For the latter to live beyond the point they were at, there had to be an element of commonality that was to bind us together for a long time. I tried to share my affinity for babies with her, to begin with, I tried to tell her about the mania I seem to have for Zeenat. I  tried to use words for the purpose, but for once, I found myself at a loss of words.

Zeenat is only one dream I didn’t want to share with her or with anyone else. I want to be the only one who is going to dream of Zeenat. I feel I own all rights to even her thoughts: no one else can even think of Zeenat.  There is to be no one I shall never share the pair of glasses I sleep with so no one else can ever see the dreams I see. They are of a typical kind, I know. I don’t know anyone else who dreams of a daughter and has even given a name to the dream. I hope to preserve the abstract form of Zeenat in my heart better than Egyptians preserved their mummies. She will be in the format till she assumes a concrete shape.

There is very little I can do till the time Zeenat steps out of my dreams. There is nothing I can do to help her emerge from her confinement. I think I can see a trace of Zeenat in her eyes at this moment on second thoughts, this may be a part of the dictum where you actually see what you want to see. I really don’t know if I ever want to see Zeenat in a better form than what I can see in her eyes.

Her eyes promised to give all their attention to Zeenat whenever the latter joins us. I too wanted a part of the attention the eyes were willing to give, but I felt sure there was to be no partiality done on this ground. Zeenat is not going to divide her attention in any manner, I’m sure; I’ll get an equal amount of attention from her; her capacity to pay attention is sure to increase manifold  when Zeenat joins us.

At present, I want all her attention. I want her eyes to look into my eyes, and discover all the love I have for her in them in whatever format it is. 

In Quest Of A Better Life

In Quest Of A Better Life
There are so many dents on the automobile of my life that the driver feels embarrassed while driving it. The dents are the handiwork of Time as it went through my being in all its different forms and shapes. It has hammered out its presence and has left signs of itself all over my being.  It has certainly not been very kind in the way it has dealt with me.

I have been through a lot of thick and thin in my life; everyone has to go over a couple of crests and troughs in life. My life hasn’t been any different. The difference I perceive may be a matter of perception. A happy man views the world around him to be happy and merry, while someone not happy is more likely to view the whole world as companions in suffering. I’m the happy being looking at happiness over crests and troughs in life.

There have been several crests and troughs in my life that have brought about a destruction of  several ideals I have held in my mind for a long time. There have been several events that have ravished the fabric of my life in a ruthless manner. they have brought down all ideals from their high perch. It was essential to bring down these high ideals because they don’t exist in real life. At the end of the day, there has been a regular flow of events in my life that has pushed out all ideals I treasured in my mind.

I fail to perceive a parallel life. I feel I have been dealt in a bad way by my fate, worse than anyone else has been dealt with. I feel fate has elongated the tests it conducts upon everyone, my test has been stretched a bit too long. While everyone else has already emerged out of the preliminary tests and even the final tests conducted by fate with flying colours, I haven’t even got the signal to attempt the test. In the ideal case, I should have been near the end of the race, but this proposition would have turned out to be true only if had I begun the race at the appropriate time, but I didn’t begin to run when everyone else began to run.

The point is I don’t see anyone else suffering in the exact manner I have suffered, and my share of suffering hasn’t come to an end yet. There are still many more aeons of time through which I have to suffer, and each moment is to be tilted towards suffering in a typical manner. I shall not be able to do anything to help myself out in any manner, I shall have to suffer, and this is what makes my suffering all the more unbearable. I’ll have to live with it, I don’t have an option.

Suffering ennobles you, it is said, but I fail to see how and why my suffering is going to ennoble me. I fail to see how and in what manner the angst I feel because of my prolonged examination is going to make me noble. It has only brought out some ugly faces of people that I would not have been able to see had I been examined in a positive potential or had my life been of an ordinary kind. I have learnt many important lessons of life I would never have come across had life been normal for me. Life has taught me a whole set of novel and new lessons in life. I wonder if this is the kind of ennoblement that is destined for me.

My life has been quite like watching TV. I feel I’ve been watching different channels on the television as I move over the different phases of my life. There is a fair chance of the program  being shown on the next channel one lands upon being better than the program being shown on the channel I switched over from, but at the same time there is a fair chance of the program on the next channel being still better. I have no choice but to keep switching between channels in the hope of finding the best channel.

I keep jumping between different phases of life feeling the new one to be a bit better and easier than the last one. This is quite like jumping over different channels on the television. Though there is always a chance of the next channel displaying a worse program than the one I am already watching, yet I move over channels all the same in the hope of finding something better. I move to the next phase of life in the hope of finding something better, but somehow, I know it is not going to be any better. I learn some important lessons of living at each phase, and although they can’t be used in the next phase or any other phase of my life that is to come my way, I do learn a lot of lessons in life.

The new lessons in life have certainly prepared me in a better manner to face all kinds of adversities of life. I have learnt many important theorems of life that are going to help me deal with a whole lot of geometrical and arithmetical problems I shall face in my life. Everyone faces a different set of problems, and there can never be a universal solution to problems. Theorems of life are not going to change, but they are going to teach different lessons to different people. Everyone has to develop a unique and typical shield in life that protects one from different kinds of adversities in life.

I only wonder if I am better than my peers who haven’t had to face any of the problems I had to face. Their problems have been of  a different sort. Solutions to the problems I have faced certainly made a harder and tougher being in me ready to face all kinds of different problems in my life. I’m sure they aren’t going to embarrass me like the dents on the automobile embarrass the driver.  I have developed a shield typical to the problems I have faced in my life, and I hope it is going to help me live a better life.

Some Secrets Painted On Our Hearts

Some Secrets Painted On Our Hearts
Her words gave an approximate idea of the portrait painted by time on her heart. I found it better than any other landscape portrait I had ever come across, and I’ve seen quite a few portraits. A few words of salutation emanated from her when she saw me, she went on with a slew of random words, and I wanted her to continue with her jabbering because it revealed a bit of the portrait on her heart; luckily, she didn’t mind going on. I badly wanted to get an idea of the colours used in painting the portrait. They were of a bit different from the ones used in the portrait on my heart; everyone has a different portrait painted on his or her heart with different colours. I was not looking for similarity in the different portraits painted on our hearts; I wanted to appreciate the difference.

There was a typical tone and tenor in her voice that was a bit different from that in any other voice I had ever heard. I did wonder if this was a real difference, or if this was a part of the ideal world I wanted to be witness to at that moment. I'm aware of the myriad of shortcomings I have, and the different ideal world they have propelled into my mind by virtue of these negative points. My ideal world had to have someone different from the one in the normal course of events. The difference brought about a different set of wishes within me; they were of a different colour from the one in the normal course of events. I was about to prostrate before the goddess of love seated before me in her human incarnation in reverence when she got up from her seat, and I had to change my mind.

For me, she was the goddess I’ve idealised for a long time. She was someone prepared to share my world regardless of the fact that none of the colours in my heart collated with nature of any of the colours she was exposed to. I have been looking for someone who can take a dip into the deep and dark world of colours there is in my heart, and yet find happiness. I wonder what colour was she going to perceive Zeenat in. Zeenat is one of the most beautiful and vivid dreams I have ever seen. The lady before me could to be the one who was to help me bring the colours of the dream of Zeenat to life. Our dreams had to collate for the reality to be compatible for both of us. I hope she has an affinity for babies like I have. I hope she continues to paint the walls of my life with colours borrowed from a rainbow whenever there is a deficit of colours in my life; this is going to be a point of time when I was going to need her company very badly.

There were some different adventures waiting to be discovered by her when she partook of a few adventures in my heart; they were quite different from the ones she would have been exposed to in the normal course of events, but she couldn’t know the difference because she hadn’t  attempted to plumb the depths of anyone else’s heart. Zeenat was the most exciting adventure of these, but I couldn’t be sure if I shared the excitement with her. she may have a different set of ideals in her mind because events had unfurled in the normal course for her. I found Zeenat in my heart as an important touch-point on the way to happiness when the reality began biting me with all its tenacity. Zeenat would not have been a part of me had events unfolded in the normal course for me. I consoled myself with the thoughts that the two of us looking at each other may not even have met had events unfurled  in the normal course in my case. Fate had pushed the two of us together because we deserved to be with each other.

I too wanted to fathom the depth of the oceans of secrets concealed in a heart that was quite eager to open up its valves that held some sinister secrets within. She seemed to be blessed with the purest and cleanest heart in the world, and yet  I knew they concealed some dark secrets. I did wonder if she would mind sharing them with me. Quite a few of her secrets are transcribed on her lips at that moment; it wasn’t going to be difficult to unlock a few of the secrets she had discovered while she was with me.

I knew I would also have to let out some of the secrets I concealed in my heart in return for the gesture of trust she was about to display. I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to reveal all of them but quite a few were already on the way to her side. I shall never be able to figure out how she managed to unlock some secrets I hadn’t revealed to anyone else, but some of my best kept secrets were out in the open now.

I'm not sure if she was going to use them against me or was she merely going to store them in her heart. There is no way of knowing anything for sure.

Seeking A Bomb-Shelter

Seeking A Bomb-Shelter
A break in the incessant bombing of adversities is what I’m looking for. The juncture is to be followed by another phase of incessant bombing of adversities, which is to be harsher than the incumbent one, I know, but the pause in bombing signifying a complete ceasefire in future is most welcome, particularly when it comes after a long period of bombing. The welcome break is a part of everyone’s life at quite an early instance, but this happens only in the ordinary course of events; events haven’t followed a normal course in my case.

I strongly feel life hasn’t dealt its cards to me with tact equal to that with which it has dealt them to everyone else. Even the nature of the cards dealt to me has been different. This might be a matter of perception, and this can be behind my pessimistic view of life. All the same, I find myself behind my peers in all races of life. They haven’t been running hard and fast, but I have been a slow runner. I certainly have waded apart from the mainstream followed by most of my peers.

I strongly feel I have been walking on a different track I’ve created for myself, although the path I have been trying to walk on has been frequented by a lot of people before me. It is only that I haven’t known a lot of these people who have diverged from the mainstream. There are very few people who walk on the tracks I have been trying to walk on. There must be something special about these people, and there must be something special about me.

It is a detour from the main track, I have been following, but it is supposed to lead to the same end as will be by those who follow a normal path. The apathy is that it has taken a longer time for me to reach the end despite the detour I have taken. The detour one takes is supposed to shorten the way, or at least make it a bit easier, but it has served the opposite in my case. I find myself searching for my destination when everyone else is already at it. the path has been quite tough and difficult too. I sometimes feel I should not have taken the detour. It has only made the road to the destination a lot longer.

A part of the problem has been that the urgency to reach the destination wasn’t highlighted to me when the task was assigned to me. People can say I failed to get the importance of getting over to the destination in the shortest time. I should have adopted the shortest and most popular route, and I would have reached the destination by now. On second thoughts, I may have come across a calamity had I adopted the normal route. I was pushed to take the detour by my fate, so this means there was a merit for me in it, or there was a demerit waiting for me had I followed a normal path.

The destination I am headed for is clear only to me; no one else can see the destination I am headed for. For this reason, everyone perceives me as someone out without a definite destination in mind. I chose a different destination, a destination no one knows of, and this is probably why I still haven’t reached it yet. I should have chosen a destination everyone heads for, I may have been standing there by now, but I didn’t have an idea that the difference in the choice is going to make reaching the destination so difficult and make it so long a journey.

Those who have an idea of the destination I am headed for and I shall touch one day are the ones who know the value of the efforts I make to get to the destination, but they are quite rare. A part of the problem has been because of my inability to explain the worth of the different destination I'm headed for. I've been very slow in my progress towards the destination. My goals have not been very clear to me, this may be why I have been slow in getting to the destination, but this is also a part of my fate and destiny. I sometimes wish my fate had dealt cards to me like it does to everyone else, and life had been a bit easier for me.

I shouldn’t expect life to deal with me in a similar way as it deals with everyone else because of the different path I have had to take; the difference in the track is largely because my fate wanted it to be different. It hasn’t been my doing, I have done very little to do at his end.

I have simply been pushed away from the path followed by my peers by hands that have been invisible and that have had a stronger force than any other force I’ve ever experienced. The force has ingrained a typical difference in me, although I wish it had ingrained a different force within me. I wish it had propelled a force to bear the dissonance of embracing a difference. The dissonance has been  gathering pace within me, and it has imbibed several differences into my life. I court differences from my peers at several different quarters and so my life too has been a lot different.

The different treatment meted out to me has made me stand out of the rest of the crowd in a typical way. I stand out of the rest of my peers, but I don’t have anything special to mark me as different. A marking is considered to be a negative score, so in a way, I’m glad there is no mark on me. This has had its own negative effects. While I deserve a special treatment, the special treatment and its very need has been nullified by virtue of the lack of a mark on me. I really don’t know if I ought to thank Allah for the lack of marking or should I curse my fate for it. It has made me stand out of my peers, but in a typical manner.

The difference in which life has dealt with me has pushed me before a special bomb-shelter, made particularly for me. It is supposed to shield me from the incessant bombing of adversities in my life. I hope it does its work well.

Her Essence Faded Away

Her Essence Faded Away
Her presence was stronger than the essence of a perfume that leaves you when you take a shower or even when you change your clothes. It pervaded the scene in the outlet, and luckily, I was a part of the wonder created by her presence in the outlet. It evoked a stronger feeling within me than any other emotion had ever evoked within me. I was out for a bite of McDonald’s and she was cooling out with her friends. Her visage formed a part of the most beautiful picture I have ever beheld in my life, while her essence was stronger than all the phials of esters a chemist can find. I wanted to take the essence of her presence with me when I walked out of the outlet, but it wasn’t possible to separate her from her fragrance.

The scent was so sweet smelling that I found it difficult to continue to live for another moment without getting a whiff of it the next second. I inhaled her presence into myself with every breath of air I took into myself; the essence spread all over my body the next second and I was overwhelmed by its gravity. It pulled all my organs to her, while at the same time but there was a typical catharsis effected by the clash that resulted the next moment from the attraction.

I felt blood rushing through my body faster than ever before. Apparently, my heart was beating harder than ever. The source of excitement was before me, but I could feel her presence deep within my soul. There was a feeling of being transported to another planet where the gravitational pull of earth was reduced to more than half. The feeling of weightlessness made me feel like being on the moon, and the very feeling pushed me to the moon.

This wasn’t the first time I has had such an experience, but each time a goddess has visited me in a typical incarnation, the excitement I have felt has been like it is the very first encounter. The freshness of the experience has never been doused by virtue of the phenomenon of repetition. Rather, repetition has made every experience brighter and fresher than ever before. There seemed to be a typical freshness in the experience today, but the same can be said to be true of all earlier experiences. There shall be many more such experiences, I’m sure, and a mountain on the moon is to be discovered every time I go through such an experience.

It was quite like what is felt when one opens one’s eyes on a morning assuming it to be the beginning of a new day in life that is to bring a whole lot of new challenges. There is nothing new in the morning, and yet it seems is a new day every time I open my eyes in the morning.

There are always a lot of new challenges to be faced every day, but at the end of the day, the same old day cycle of day and night is repeated again and again. All said and done, there was a typical freshness in the fragrance that made it all the more exciting every time I have inhaled it; I wanted to inhale it over and over again if only to try out something new with every breath.

There is very little of novelty to be discovered in every puff of breath I inhale every day, and yet there was something waiting to be discovered in every atom of air I breathed in that day. There was a treasure waiting to be discovered that day while we were in the mall. I discovered love in its purest form when I inhaled her presence in the mall that day. It was the wildest of attractions I’ve ever had, I will confess. I can never give an explanation about it. I felt myself being pulled to her like a magnet; to me, she was what a few drops of water are to famished Arab. I was virtually pulled towards her with a stronger force, but she prepared to leave the outlet in the mall quite abruptly.

She couldn’t call it a day this way. There is still a lot to be discovered, I wanted to scream at her. The part of the experience I had been through a while back was certainly not been enough to push my existence through the night that was to follow.  There was to be a moon, but it wasn’t going to be bright and luminous enough to show me the way through the maze of life my dreams were sure to push me through that night. There had to be something stronger than street-lights on a highway and sharper than car-headlights.

She was the kind of person who could have shown the way before me with all her luminosity and brightness for a long time, but she left the outlet without giving any valid reason even to her friends. I wanted to ask them to share her deails, but conserving the impropriety of strangers interacting on informal terms, I had to give up any aspirations at this end.

To me, her abrupt departure seemed to be worse than a betrayal of my trust; there was an un-inked agreement between the two of us where she was to be with me till dusk, but the agreement had probably been written in an invisible ink that had vanished the very moment it was recorded. I wish I could ask her why she had been a part of the picture of life before me for a short while if she had to walk out of the picture in such an unceremonious manner. There are a hundred-and-one queries in my mind, but there are no answers.

Her scent remained in the outlet for a long time before it faded off with time, like everything else does.