I Want To Meet You Again

I Want To Meet You Again
It was only when it rained all night that I realised you have left. There was a loud rumbling of clouds; they pushed me into a deep pit every time they growled. The sky joined me in mourning your exit. We didn’t part on very good terms, I know, but it wasn’t that bad either. I wish I could tear out my heart to show you how much I love you; I still love you with all fervour and warmth, and I’ll continue loving you with an equal passion as long as I live.

I can’t do anything positive about your absence but  I never wanted to lose you if I could. I didn’t want you to go away to a distant place, or to any place other than where I can’t make my presence felt. I want to be with you for a long time, and a still longer time. I only want to hold your hand. It is irrelevant whether we discuss anything or not while we are together; your presence is all that counts. I have a firm mind never to leave your hand once I get a tight grip on it. a realisation of your absence has pushed me atop a pile of negative thoughts, but I’m glad I’m not alone in my misery: it has been raining cats and dogs for several days. The heavens have been mourning too. There can be no other reason for all these tears all these clouds have been showering on me for a long time.

Your absence has brought out many aspects of my life that were not clear before me till now. I discover deeper swamps full of self-pity and depression around me with every passing moment and I let myself sink into them every other moment because you are not a part of my world now. it makes very little difference to me whether I sink in a swamp or walk on solid ground. Your company is all that is relevant now.

Navigating through any of these swamps hasn’t been a pleasant experience. My feet yearn to tread on a firm ground, particularly the one that lies beneath your feet, but I can only sink deeper into all these swamps before me. The very sight of a level ground you tread on makes me realise you are better than me. I didn’t realise how important you have become for me and my happiness till you went away.  I guess this is how the importance of almost everything in life we take for granted is brought to the fore.

It didn’t take a long time for me to convince myself I’m in love with you; it remained concealed within many folds of my mind for a long time. It only had to be brought out, and your absence has done the trick.

I don’t doubt it now. Yes!! I love you.  I do wonder if this feeling can be called by any other name.  I wish I could spell all my feelings into some other words. I search for new words everyday and discover many ready to spill out, while many more prefer to remain behind veils. Yes!! I love you. These are the words ready to pop out whenever I think of you.

I simply long for your company. I want to be with you forever and a day. I yearn to paint my life with all colours of a rainbow whose colour-combination is a secret known only to you. it is quite a powerful one, one that can make many lives beautiful, I know. I’m glad you chose to splash my life with all these colours. I don’t know if I can equate myself with any of those I see canoodling on park-benches, but I can sit with you on a park-bench for my whole life holding your hand. I’ll let our hands do all the talking.

Our hands are believed to contain a record of our past experiences, while many believe they contain a hint of our future too. I don’t know if life has given you a set of experiences different from the ones it has given me. Let us begin with whatever we hold in common. I don’t know how  long they can keep us together, but it is going to be quite a long time. There is so much to say to you, and  I don’t have all the words required to bring out everything within me. I know you have a lot to say to me too. You have witnessed quite a few cycles of sunrise and sunset too, I know. Let us let the gaping silence between us right now begin with all the talking.

Silence speaks louder than words, it is said. Let us check out the veracity of these words. There is so much to talk of, and a lot more to discover within each other. Perhaps the silence between us can help us bring down walls created by verbosity of our pasts.

I want to spend my entire life with you yearning for yet another life to share a lot more. Somehow, I know this yearning in me for your company is going to vanish into thin air the moment you are with me. the truth is I only want to be with you for a long time. I only want to feel the warmth of your hand as it touches mine. I want to be happy because you are happy, and I know this is going to happen only when we are together. The duration of our company is not going  to be relevant when we are together, I know. Time is going to pause at this juncture, I know.

I really don’t want time to move away from a point where I hold your hand because it may bring me to a point where I may have to leave your hand. I don’t want to let go of an iota of whatever warmth I discover in your hand. It is destined to be toned down, I know. We are destined to part, I know, but before that we are destined to meet. I really don’t want to part ways with you, but I certainly want to meet you once again.

I want to meet you every single day of my life like it was the first time because each time we meet is going to bring with itself a typical freshness and novelty with itself. The feeling is going to fade into the ether sooner than I can imagine, but  I do want to experience the ecstasy again and again. This is the only way to capture even a bit of the novelty that threatens to run away as soon as it is discovered and found.

I hope we meet again and again.

I Wish I Knew

I Wish I Knew
Yes!! I crave for company. I yearn to hold someone’s hand, I want to kiss her hand, and I want her to hold my hand a bit more tightly than I can hold her hand. I don’t want her to ever let go of my hand, while on my part, I never want  to leave her hand. I have complete confidence in her grip, it is quite strong enough, but I fear she will be snatched away from me by force by a ruthless flow of time through my being. Several entities have found an exit from my being in a similar fashion. Time has been flowing on in a  typically rough and cruel manner through me destroying almost everything it has come across. This has come to mean almost everything dear to me.

I want a change in my life. I want a change from facing a reality where almost everything dear to me has found itself I a pit, I want a change from this world, perhaps a sojourn atop all the different worlds that ever visited the Far Away Tree. I have been waiting for this change for a long time. I wonder how much longer I shall have to wait for a sun to rise in my world and make it bright and good. I have been waiting for a long time for a change to occur in my life.

Somehow, I know only she can change my world. She can bring about all sunrises in my world I have been yearning for ever since. She is the only one in the whole world who can change my life. While I have been waiting for her, there has been a longing inherent within me, a yearning to be with her for ever. I want her to be with me for as long as I live. Somehow, I know life is not going to be very easy for me even if she graces it with her presence, but I feel she can make all the crests and troughs a bit bearable by virtue of her presence. I can give away almost all I have today for an assurance that she shall be with me tomorrow, she will be with me for ever and a day. This realisation has made her all the more precious for me. All said and done, there is certainly a typical joy ingrained in all this waiting. I really don’t want this joy to leave me.

This joy won’t be a part of me when she is finally here. I certainly want to hold her hands, I want to touch her, I want to be with her for an eternity, and I want a lot of other things that simply can’t be brought out on a paper or even a computer. The list is endless, and all stationery in the world is going to exhaust itself if I only begin to inscribe all my thoughts on it. But at the same time, I realise there is a typical satisfaction ingrained in all this yearning for company. I didn’t want this, I never ever want to be downer, there is no pleasure in this, but I don’t think I would like to part with the yearning I  have for her today. It is better than what I may face tomorrow.

Tomorrow may be a lot worse than today. It may bring with itself worse problems before me, and I may not be in a position to do anything concrete to tackle these problems. Even the thought of my inability to do all I should be able to do brings me back to my present which is fraught with a typical yearning for her.

There were times when I wanted to be with her forever. I wonder if I was better in those days. All said and done, I think differently today. I don’t think I would like to hold her, to kiss her, to embrace her or do anything with her at all. No, I haven’t developed a dissonance for her now.

No, nothing has gone wrong between us. We are still the best of friends, but I guess I will be content with simply thinking of her for a longer time. I’ll dream of her every time I go to sleep, and I’ll sleep more if only to dream more of her. Her silent thoughts shall be an abstraction for me and yet they fill me and my being with an elixir with the potential to drown all holes created within me and my being by virtue of her absence. These holes need to be filled up before they can create vast legions of sorrow within me. A typical music is to emanate when water flows through these holes if I don’t fill them up soon, I know.

There was a pin-drop silence around us while I held her hand, I remember well. This was how our story began. I wonder if it is fated to end in a similar fashion. All relations begin with a loud silence---a silence symbolic of death as well as of birth. There was a huge silence between us while  I held her hand for the first time. What was important at that moment was that we should understand each other’s silence. All nouns, verbs, adverbs and adjectives were sure to create their typical mess around us at a later instance. They were going to be easier to understand. The incumbent challenge was to understand only a fraction of silence crying itself hoarse in each other’s eyes.

The silence in my eyes was trying to articulate my inability to give her all she deserved. I often wonder how  I know what she deserves.  I don’t even know what I deserve. I only know she deserves the best of everything in this world. I don’t think I can give her all of it, but I can certainly give her a lot of my love.

I feel everyone deserves a lot of love, and I may be unable to give her all the love she deserves. I can only promise to give her a lot of peace and  tranquillity, quite like what one experiences when one lends an ear to ocean waves roaring. I wonder if she is going to assign a value to all this more than to what she deserves.

I don’t know if material happiness translates into love for her. I don’t know if she equates these two entities. There is no way of knowing this.

While Our Hearts Throbbed

While Our Hearts Throbbed
She looked up at the sky for a while as if thanking The Almighty for a blessing. For a while, I wondered if I was the blessing she was being thankful for. I really don’t know why she didn’t show it to me, or was it that I was unable to perceive her gratefulness to me. I felt sure she considered me a valuable asset. She didn’t take me for granted.

I tried to recount all the entities I was taking for granted, and I ought to be grateful for too. I began to shiver with fright: it is to take  a lifetime if I begin thanking Allah for everything He has bestowed upon me. I wonder if the list included her too in it for she is certainly an asset for me. I really don’t know which of us is more grateful for the blessing we found in each other.

Life is to begin for both of us in a while, and like everything else in life, it is certainly not going to be easy. I had left behind quite a bit of myself, most of it is irrelevant now. I was glad to be able to  move on. For the time being, we held each other’s hands a bit more tightly. None of us wanted the incumbent moment to slip away before it was completely wringed of all happiness it contained within itself. Time insists on moving on.

There is very little we can   ever do about the legions of time that are to come our way, but we can certainly make the most of all aeons of time flitting by begging to be recorded in our memories in a more tangible form than they are in. we pulled closer to each other to be sure to absorb all the ecstasy ingrained in every single moment.

We could almost hear each other’s heart throbbing wildly in each other’s presence. We heard a ferocious lion roar within both of us as our blood ran wildly through our arteries and veins. It needed to be cooled down before it could swallow up a large part of our happiness. I could sense a whole lot of words running ahead of all this contention within both  of us to pacify the beast. They were the only weapons we had to deal  with the crisis.

 I heard her unarticulated confession of love long before she moved her lips. A similar confession found itself in my eyes. The beauty of the situation was that we didn’t need to say anything in words. Our lips didn’t have to move in any manner to articulate a message at that time. There were already a whole lot of messages being exchanged at a metaphysical level; a lot of them were flowing through our hands which we were simply not prepared to leave. There was quite a lot going on at a paradisal level although we still had our feet on the ground. I was certainly not going to leave her hand.

As we inched closer to her on the bed, I began to wonder how much was I going to honour my resolve. The paradisal level we found ourselves in wasn’t going to last for a long time, I knew, and so wasn’t the ecstasy we found ourselves in. like all good things in life, it was to wither away in a short while. We were certainly to descend to a lower level sooner or later. The plunge might take us straight to the bottom of a deep well, and it can prove to be quite uncomfortable; scaling up the steep walls of a well isn’t practical, I know. It is a lot better not to dive deep into such murky and dirty waters, but we didn’t have any options before us.

The problem is we are going to find ourselves pushed high up in the skies every single day, but we shall also be pushed into deep dungeons every single day. we are going to discover the joys of a bungy-jump every single day from now on. Viewing the world from a point no one has ever been at ever before, and diving deep into a deep and dark abyss the very next moment is certainly going to be quite exciting. A firm belief that we are to be elevated to a zenith despite before being pushed into deep dungeons is quite exciting in itself. Thoughts of touching a zenith negate all contentious and negative thoughts associated with it. I hope I can maintain my outlook towards this zenith forever and a day. I shall fall to the ground the next moment, I know, but there is nothing like looking at success, even for a while.

We can never do anything positive about this cycle. Rather, this is what is going to make our world come to life. What has dawned on me is that I am not paying heed to the moment that is passing by. It was begging to be recorded in some form. I can capture a bit of its beauty in the form of words, but a major part of it shall remain unrecorded.

There is a moon ready to show us a path over which we shall walk. It is going to be a relief from the utter darkness of night that surrounds us at as of now. Light from the moon shall brighten up several paths before us, but for the time being, it was rushing ahead with the speed of time, and I felt helpless before its waywardness: there is nothing I can ever do about it. I can never convince time to delay its termination. It shall take quite a bit of the typical beauty enshrined in the silent beams of moonlight. This moment is about to be over in a while, and it shall never be back again in its pristine form ever again.

There is always a choice before me to mourn the evanescent nature of the passing moments or enjoy them to their complete potential. The latter is a lot better.

I Move Away

I Move Away
I dream more often than I sleep: I sleep every night, but I dream every single day. Nights are short, but days are always long; days are when I can see my dreams walk and even dance. Though my dreams always last only short while, yet they dictate the direction I move in while I am awake and under a hot sun. I have to bear the scorching heat of the sun for a longer time, but I don’t mind because the days are when my nocturnal adventures come alive. I love to dream, and I love to sleep too.

 I don’t know if I was born this way, but I do know I began to dream once I learnt how to close my eyes voluntarily. I wonder if she appeared in my first dream, but I do know my favourite dream is the one she figures in. she is a bit shy of appearing in my dreams, but when she does, makes them really beautiful. My dreams are lit up with more lumens than the sun lets down on a bright sunny summer day, while there are always more joules of warmth and energy when she is around than when the sun shines. I begin to wonder if paradise is going to be any better than a dream she figures in. My dreams always collapse in the morning or when I open my eyes, and she disappears like she never was with me. I badly wish there was no end to my dreams. I want to   sleep on and on if only to dream of her; but she simply vanishes when I open my eyes.

When I get up in the morning, my bed is drowned by waves created on my bed-sheet reminding me of dreams that made me hop around my bed all night. I wonder if I yell out her name during my nocturnal adventures. I think I do. I wish there was a way to express an iota of the joy I experience when I see her in my dreams; I wish there was a way possible to capture all those emotions in a tangible form. When I get up in the morning, my night-suit is crumpled-up reminding me of her clandestine visits. I wish there was a way to keep sleeping for ages if only to be able to dream of her. There isn’t, I know. I think a proverbial ‘sweet dream’ envelopes all this and more.

I dream of driving a car to my workplace. I see a lot of cars whizzing by while I watch the scene from behind it’s dash-board. It is like time rushing by.  I want don’t want time to rush by as madly as it does because I feel     the time when she is to be with me is only a few aeons away, but I can only watch the show as it enacts itself before me. This is a grim reminder that I shall never be able to do anything positive about anything in life. time will move on at its own typical speed, and I shall never be able to run faster than time.

In another     dream, I see myself holding hands with her. there is nothing else around us, except silence and a lot of silence. It is perforated by some melodious tunes she hums. my company pushes her to a   fresh zenith just as her company effects a similar magic on me. I find it quite surprising, but it is only our company that pushes us to a fresh height every moment we are together. We discover a new definition of paradise in every aeon of time as it passes by. A whole lot of definitions are to be discovered, and a whole lot of time is to pass by.

The mornings that are here after these dreams are quite distressful. I don’t want to wake up. I badly wish there was a way possible to push my sleep aboard a train headed for nowhere. I want to dream endlessly about her. I badly want to get away from a day when I can’t dream of her. she is the elixir of my life, she brings the magic of life to life within me while I dream of her. life without her begins in a senseless void and ends in a void too.  I look out of my window every now and then for a glimpse of a dream which is a beautiful contrast to what life shows me.

The window-seat is my most-preferred seat in a car. I get a chance to see life rushing by so closely as if it were driven by a rocket-propeller.  I see a lot of dreams whizz by without knocking on my door everyday. Of all these, my favourite dreams are the ones she figures in. Some of them shall certainly be back in one form or the other. One of them might be a fleeting thought rushing home after a late dinner, while another might enter my heart one day through my eyes, while yet another might find itself before my eyes while I sleep. I can’t do anything except watch silently as my dreams passes by me. I can only make way for them to move on smoothly. I do move away.

My worst dream is the one where I see her sitting on a bench with her back to me. she appears to be in deep conversation with someone else.  I can’t see him; I   can only hear his voice. I feel jealous of him. There is competition around, I know, but some giggles and laughs, assure me she is happier with him. She has certainly been a chandelier hanging from a ceiling and lighting up the entire dark and musty room I am.

I badly wish she would step into my dark and miserable world and light it with some of her brightness one day, but I quietly move away.

A Lonely Warrior

A Lonely Warrior
Some battles are to be fought alone. There is simply no one else who is to be a part these skirmishes. these clashes are certainly some of the toughest battles in life particularly because they are fought without a lot of arsenal. There is just one sword to counter the countless blows dealt by your foe. To cap it all, you are the only one who is to deal with all its intricacies, and bear all the stress and    strain of losing it. you are more likely to lose it, you can be sure. This is not a pessimist’s view, but a part of the several realities of life I have learnt. The ordeal is made all the more tough by the truth that the sword is made more blunt with each blow it counters.

A blunt sword works against your priorities of winning every battle, and to cap it all, it cannot be sharpened, nor can it be changed with a sharper one. It is only to get dulled with each passing aeon of time as you win one battle after another. These battles cannot be made any tougher or easier than they already are. There is simply no sense in trying to make them any easier or tougher than they already are; there is no need to. The inherent level of difficulty adds to the mirth you are going to discover whenever the battle is finally won. You are going to win a lot of battles, you can be sure. You have to fight every battle you step into. You are never given a choice.

They are always customised to suit you and all your intricacies. The only point to be borne in mind is that you have to be a solitary warrior marching on towards your foe, you have to do it alone. You are not going to get a companion in this battle, you have to fight it alone. It is never easy, but it isn’t as tough too as it all appears to be. At the end of the day, you are the only one who is to be celebrated as the victor. This is quite a relief when you realise you are the only one who is to be crowned; even the thought of being coronated is in itself quite exciting. Victory is always sweet, and it is the sweetest when it is achieved after a long and bitter battle.

These battles are quite tough, they really are, but they have to be fought and won, and they have to be fought and won all alone. There is simply no other option but to win the battle. This is a part of a pact all of us have had with our fate. Our fate seems to be determined to counter our efforts in the best possible manner, but the best part of the deal is that everyone is assigned his or her share of artillery which is enough to counter all blows dealt on oneself. The share of shields and armoury one has access to always seems to be insufficient, but it is actually always in proportion to the number of blows to be dealt on you and potentials of your foe. There is someone who has a precise count of the number of blows you are going to have to bear, and He has issued instructions to your fate to cease all blizzards aimed at hitting you once the count is up.

The count always seems to be more than what you can bear, but it is always in proportion to your capacity to bear pain. You writhe and wince in pain, but it is never more than what you can bear. Had it been unbearable, a lot of us would not have been walking the world today. Everyone has been tried and tested, but everyone’s trials have been of the kind one can bear with. They have never crossed a particular limit set out by  your fate.

There is always a typical catharsis you get to swim in once you are out of all this mess. The water isn’t very deep, but it isn’t very shallow either. It is only good enough to make you feel good. Practically, you get to float on it, and this is what makes you feel on top of the world. This is what being victorious feels like. All contentions that held ground before you plunged into the battle seem puny and insignificant from the height you float at. It may not be a very high platform one gets to stand at, it may still be a bit wobbly,  but what is significant is that it appears to be high and lofty before the depths one was at only a while back. The change is significant. What counts is the fact that you have won a race against time that seemed to be impossible some time ago. You find yourself at the top of the highest point in the whole world.

This is a world where silence speaks louder than words. A lot of silent monoliths scream out a lot of other truths of life. Life is to go on, and it is  going to bring you before countless other battles, and they are certainly not going to be easier than the ones you have been through. This is when you are going to call all battles you fought at an earlier instance ‘easy’.

Practically, everything appears easier than today. All problems you stand before today, all contentions you have to face today, and all avenues you have to cross today are, or at least appear to be tougher than any you have ever come across. There is simply no way of making them easier or even tougher. They are certainly the most important ones. The only way out is a firm belief in the Persian adage ‘this too shall pass’.

All of us need a ring with these four words inscribed on it like King Solomon.