Your Thoughts Make Me Live

Your Thoughts Make Me Live
I wish I could devise a rein to hold my thoughts when I think of you. I know they have been running too fast; I wish I could harness their random movement like an adept horse-rider reins in a wild horse. Thoughts have been running helter-skelter in and around me for a long time. They always walk into me without bothering to knock at doors.  

 

The fact is these doors have been longing to be knocked at for a long time. Some of them have been left ajar for a longer time in the hope someone would walk in, but no one has ever bothered to walk in or even walk out of them or even cast a cursory glance at them.

 

I get quite gloomy on days  when I don’t see you; the situation worsens when I don’t get to see you for  a long time. It becomes an interminable, long and hot day followed by an even longer, darker and colder night. There is no end to the day; night doesn’t provide any relief; it is interminable. It simply gets hotter every day and colder every night. This is when your thoughts strike me with the force of a bolt of lightning that strikes through clouds on a dark and cold night making the aura bright.

 

You are the only ray of hope I have, but it is gone as soon as it is here. It simply doesn’t want to stay with me. I badly wish I could create an adhesive strong enough to hold it with me. At the end of the day, your thoughts do their best to dislodge themselves from my mind.

 

 All said and done, it is the only beam of light  I have. After all, your thoughts provide relief like an umbrella does from a scorching sun on a hot and dry summer day. They are the only hope I have that I shall eventually emerge out of the mess I am in.

 

I badly wish this would happen now. Quite a bit of the mess hangs on to me even though I try to leave it and move on. At times I feel It has been moving quite quickly, and it threatens to pass by me and move ahead. Even if it can do this, I shall be stuck in a deep and nasty swamp of depression and failures. I shall have to be there forever and  a day.

 

I shall have failed once again. I shall have failed to keep your thoughts with me for   a longer time. I badly want them to be with me forever and a day. This is how I dream of living every single day that comes before me with its set of unique challenges. They do their best to crush any hopes I have, but your thoughts tell me there is still hope, not everything is lost. They propel me to see a glimpse of paradise while I’m still a mortal being.

 

 Every mortal being has to come across such a situation in life. I’m not the only one, but everyone manages to get over such situations, and some day, I too shall get over it. For the time being, I find it difficult to understand the concept of life beyond the day I see you. I don’t think I shall be able to live beyond the day. I don’t want to live beyond the day. I don’t want anyone to live beyond that day. I don’t want time to move on beyond the day. I wish I could ask an adept watchmaker to make  time stop at that moment.

 

An elaborate examination of the intricate mesh of events of my life reveal what a great asset you have been for me. You have been a lamp that has lighted an apparently dark and dismal path for me. but then, I begin to wonder if the trek has really been as dark and dismal as I perceive it to be. I remind myself of the numerous lampposts that have been illuminating an apparently dark and gloomy path.

 

The truth is it hasn’t been a dark and gloomy path at all. The light provided by all these lampposts has been quite sufficient to show me a path quite clearly wherever I have wanted to go. The aura has certainly not been like what daylight would have made it, but it hasn’t been that bad after all. I have been able to saunter on despite the apparent gloom I find in a world your thoughts don’t thrive in.

 

The very fact that I have been able to move on and I have been moving on has been the secret behind my ability to reach a new zenith every day. A new definition of a zenith every day has made it a bit difficult to touch it every time I set out on an adventure, but life seldom presents easy challenges. I have been able to touch all summits I have defined for myself. Life is to present new challenges every single day before me, I know. They are going to be varied in form and substance, I know.

 

None of them are going to be easy, but eventually, I shall win all these challenges, I know. I shall never be rewarded as a gallant knight for any of my victories, I know, but I shall win all of them all the same: I won’t have a lot of options. The realisation that I have overcome all these challenges is going to be a reward in itself for all my efforts. The very realisation that I have been able to move on in a dark and gloomy world which couldn’t be ameliorated by even a beam of light provided by all the lampposts in the world is going to be enough to make me happy and content.

 

Your thoughts are going to make me feel important. This is what I want from life.

 

 

Does She Love Me?

Does She Love Me?
A silence louder than  the strongest echo reverberated between us when I pulled her closer to myself. I could hear her heart beating wildly while I felt sure she was an audience to a similar orchestra being played near her heart. The warmth of her body made me feel hot in in an already warm summer, but I pulled her closer to myself all the same.  Both of us shook violently as two tectonic plates deep under the earth touched each other. We took a deep breath as each of us prepared to take a dip in a lava full of love.

 

An entire ton of passion lay encapsulated in the minuscule moment I held her in my arms. She was quivering with surprise and delight at the same time while I pulled her closer to myself.  A smile on her face defined her pleasure In a typical way; she had volunteered to be in the position, and I’m sure she enjoyed every moment of it. The moment was coming to an end before I realised it: she was trying to wriggle out of an awkward situation she had pushed herself into.

 

I let her go quite passively. She untangled her arms she had wrapped around me as she prepared to draw the embarrassment to an end. Her typical warmth that was to remain with me for a long time. I had savoured a mystical flavour for the first time in my life. I was about to smack my lips with delight when I read some confessions throbbing wildly in her eyes; I’m sure she couldn’t have articulated them in words. I read them in her eyes all the same, although she did her best to hide them.

 

She closed her eyes for a while, and all my world plunged in a world of darkness and dismay. I was about to kiss her eyes when she moved away from me. A lot of confessions were still floating in her eyes waiting to be discovered and read. They were encrypted in a language I didn’t know; their typical syntax and grammar did surprise me. They were certainly new for me. I opened my eyes to look at her more closely.

 

A blush on her fair cheeks gave away an embarrassment she wanted to conceal from me. Roses in a garden can never have had a brighter shade. It contrasted with her fair complexion making her all the more beautiful. I was on my way to putting a crown on her while  she stood before me panting for breath like someone who had completed a marathon, and won it too. I could almost hear crowds cheering her victory. I was also a part of that crowd. She was walking to the podium to claim her prize even as she stood before me with her eyes bowed down.

 

Her eyes were still searching for an entity she seemed to have lost in me. She had left behind a lot more than her fragrance when she had liberated herself from my grip. I can’t say if her grip was tighter over me or I held her stronger in my arms. For a few  seconds, both of us held each other like we were never going to loosen our grips. I searched my history for moments better than this, but even Google can’t find anything like it.

 

All the same, I can feel her presence in my arms even though she isn’t  a part of my embrace  anymore. The warmth of her breaths was like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Her heart was still beating wildly while she stood before me, and so was mine; the excitement wasn’t going to pass by without leaving a strong mark on both of us.  She was blushing all over and so was I.  A photographer was required to capture the moment.

 

She had fallen in love with me, I’m sure, although a part of her was denying the truth as vehemently as it could. She was shaking her head in utter disbelief.  She couldn’t believe it: how could she do what she had just done? She had gone beyond the limits of decent behaviour. She had simply flung herself on me without any prior notice. I was struck by her action, but I interpreted it as her need of  being loved.

 

She wanted love. I’m glad I gave her more love than she could ever even think of. I wish I could give her more. I wanted to hold her even more tightly  in my arms the very next moment. The moment of contact wasn’t enough for either of us. I wanted more of love, I was craving for love. My craving had made me a whirlpool ready to suck in all objects around me. She was standing close to me at that moment. It had drawn her closer to me; it had held her closer to me for a long time.

 

 I wanted to give more of love. I know that the more love I give, the more love will I get. The whirlpool in me wanted more and more of love. I only wonder if the axiom held water in this case. I prepared myself to give all the love she could ever imagine. She stood blushing like a red rose while she stood before me and all this crossed my mind.

 

 A few wisps of her hair entangled with my shoulders were the only remnants of the immense passion she had displayed, and yet she was blushing with shame and pride at the same time. She seemed to have achieved something remarkable in her life. My kiss had assured her whatever she had done, wasn’t wrong. All the same, there was a typical sense of guilt dripping from her face.

 

My kiss had assured her she was beautiful. To be loved by someone is a sure-shot way of knowing this truth. She was still shaking and quivering with excitement while I began to wonder if I had done something wrong. She didn’t kiss me to reciprocate my emotions, but somehow, I know she loves me.

 

 

An Evening Defined My Life

An Evening Defined My Life
She isn’t with me. She left for her home a while back, and somehow, I knew she isn’t going to be back in any form again. Her typical radiance has simply disappeared. The day has ended and with it, a day that began with a bright and radiant sun, there were a few clouds in the sky for a while, but everything bright and good about it seems to have come to an end now.

The day has ended, and with it, all hope has come to an end too. I can no longer hope of there being a bright and sunny day. Being hopeless is akin to being a non-believer, I know, but it is a long, dark and cold night ahead. Longer, darker and colder nights wait for me once this one is over, I know. There was an effulgent lamp in the horizon last night, but without her, it is dead and gone.

It was quite different while she was with me. I wanted to live every moment of my life to its last bit. With her gone, I don’t even want to breathe the next few breaths. A typical sense of well-being pervaded my being while she was here yesterday. It purged me of all I was guilty of. Now that she has left, the sensation has disappeared completely.  Its absence has made me realise I have been guilty of a lot of sins. She stood like a goddess incarnated in her pristine form before me yesterday. She was a goddess pointing out all sins I’ve been guilty of. I began to shiver and tremble as I realised their count was more than I had ever imagined.

Some sins came to the fore at that moment, while most of them remained dormant like a sleeping lion, but the most horrible one was that I didn’t know anything  about her before yesterday; her existence had been a mystery for me; the mystery begged to be solved. It pounced upon me like a tiger out to get a deer for a meal. As the tiger’s claws dug into my flesh, I realised I was being punished by being denied her company.

 It was a punishment bigger than that meted out to Adam. Her absence spelt out a lot of fresh  queries before me. All said and done, she has left, and she will never be back, I know. I suddenly realised I was in love with her: I want to be with her, I want to hold her hand, I want to kiss her hand, I want to spend all my time with her. Yes, I love her.

I wonder if I can ever be forgiven for the sin of not knowing her till we became acquainted. Well, time begins its countdown from that very moment. My world was created at that very moment. The point of time has been preserved in my memory as the most beautiful  and precious moment of my life. The aeon of time has changed its shape and form ever since, but it maintains its beauty.

She isn’t prepared to forgive me for my sin, and as she has moved away from me. It feels quite that a divine power is cross with me, and there is no way I can tone down its discontentment. It is only going to increase manifold. It was then that I realised the gravity of my sin.  Apparently, my sin is bigger than the sin of Adam, which has been behind all sins committed by everyone ever since. I wish Adam had not eaten the forbidden   fruit; everything would have been different had he not committed the original sin.

I wonder if she realises she too has been as guilty of a sin. She shouldn’t have walked away in the unceremonious manner she did. She shouldn’t have taken away all those scraps of hope and happiness when she left. It was a crop waiting to be harvested; she shouldn’t have cultivated all these hopes in my heart in the first place if she couldn’t provide a sickle to reap them. She shouldn’t have poisoned my eyes with dreams as sweet as honey. I wonder what punishment the best judge in the world can give her for all these sins. No punishment can ever atone for what she is guilty of.

I stood as pure and innocent as a new-born-baby before her today. Now that she has gone, I realise I haven’t been guilty of any sin. My heart has been a blank piece of paper where a lot of words were going to be written down in a lot of different languages, each word was going to spill into many sentences. Had she not committed the sin she did, all these words were going to fall together like the different and yet congruent pieces of a jigsaw puzzle making a beautiful picture.

She has been guilty of a sin much more heinous than the one committed by Adam. It has made me suffer, and I feel sure she hasn’t been very happy with what she did. I suffer all the more today because she didn’t utter any words of remorse before me when she left. Only a few words of sympathy and compassion were to spell a happy me, but she didn’t consider the courtesy. I wonder how I fell in love with such a heartless person.

An evening draws to a close. There is a lot waiting to happen in the night.  I shall walk around the ruins of all those dreams I had seen with my eyes open. There shall be tears that refuse to come out of my closed eyes; I shall weep with these and many more tears all night. I shall open my eyes for a short while but close them the very next moment. She shall never be back. It shall be a night without end, it shall never end in a morning.

Let me prepare for many more darker, longer and colder nights to come my way.