A Corner In Paradise

A Corner In Paradise

She stroked my curly hair gently as I lay my head in her lap. The secluded corner in Lohia Park was hidden by a couple of dense bushes, there were a few trees to provide some amount of relief from the scorching heat in April. We often enjoyed the shade of such a tree. Her company instantly transferred me to paradise, her touch was like Midas touch----she made every passing moment a golden one.

For the few hours we were  together in Lohia Park, heaven seemed to have descended to a lower level to embrace us. there was bliss and happiness all around us. I did wonder why people go as far as Mecca and Medina to plea for a corner in paradise. I had found it in her company in this world. I realize it is satisfaction people yearn for, and I had found it in this world rather than in heaven.

The spasms of anger and frustration I had felt the other day did into fit into the picture now. There seemed to be many reasons  to smile for both of us. the colours of life appeared to be a lot brighter that day. There were going to be a lot more stars in the sky than ever before, we were sure.

The fact remains that I have an insatiable thirst of being loved by someone. My throat remains parched despite my being drenched in huge quantum of love everyday. Here was a waterfall of love showering many cusecs of love every single second, and I was below it. Perhaps this was what I was looking for ever since.

A few wisps of her jet black hair dangled on to my cheeks, the sweet smell of Pantiene shampoo trickled through my nose. There must be a similar scent in paradise, I felt sure. My soul was being cleaned at that moment like a car in a car-wash.

A hot and dry ‘loo’  blew through the park that day, but we were determined to make the most of the few moments of privacy we had stolen from the world. Our lives before and after the few moments of company in the park didn’t seem to matter at all. We seemed to have begun  our lives at that very moment. There were a hundred and one colours in the  spectrum of our lives. They were spreading all over my dull and serene life now. Her green ‘dupatta’  provided a meager amount of relief from the blistering heat, while she bathed in the joys of my company. Her multi-coloured dress symbolized the many different shades of colour she proposed to bring into my life.

She wanted to rejuvenate my dull and serene life with all these colours and many more. She wanted to be the reason behind all the showers of happiness that were to occur in my life; she wanted to be a part of them. I did try to understand why she wanted to call away the dark clouds of pain and suffering that had been consistently showering their wrath on me for a long time. The very intimation required the expenditure of conscious effort and energy.

There was absolutely not explanation as to why she should shower my life with bright flowers borrowed from her own life. I felt sure she wanted something in return for them: she wanted my love in return for it. Apparently, she too had an insatiable appetite for being loved by someone, just like me.

I sat up straight on the grass in the park as I heard some heavy footsteps on the ground. It wasn’t going to be an embarrassing scene if we were found together in the park because couples hanging around in the park was quite a common sight.

I did feel a bit odd because none of the couples in the park were our peers. My peers were busy arranging for their children’s higher education. We were celibates because our fates wanted us to reach our goals at  a very late point of time. We could do very little about it.

We did celebrate the cool weather the quiet evening brought a couple of house later. We could do very little but watch the sun go down in the horizon later that day. It did bring a lot of  calm and quiet aura into our lives. There certainly were a lot of stars in the sky that night.  

The Slopes Of The Hill

The Slopes Of The Hill

I realized I’d waited too long. The bearer of the dark and long-lashed eyes was not going to be at Lohia Park that evening. A d ark and somber night was on its way, but it was preceded  by dusk. I took a hasty look at the wrist-watch to check the time.

It was quite late, there were quite a few cars with their headlights switched on whizzing by, but I was under the impression that patience would be handsomely rewarded with at least an hour of her company.

I looked forward to the moments I spent in her company every day. They had been the most relaxing and soothing times of the day everyday for the past two weeks. This was when I forgot all the stress involved with being unemployed.

Her company did bring down the shutters of the shops that distributed feelings of inferiority free of cost. An inferiority complex had been pushed into me by excited shopkeepers eager to get rid of their counterfeit merchandise before police officials conducted a raid and confiscate it. Her company made me feel better than anywhere else in the world.   I didn’t feel I’d pushed anyone down, but I felt as if I’d  gone up a hill.

The hill was quite a high one. I did pause for a while to consider the appropriateness of my high perch. There was no way I could possibly clamber down the hill however much I may wish to. The height did make me a bit uncomfortable. I felt like apologizing to her for being at such a great height.

The slopes of the hill did afford a lot of adventures.  I’d missed out all of them. Had I met her on the way to the point where I was standing, things would heave been different. Life would have been quite different! But the slopes of the hill were so steep that it was simply not possible to pause at any point. I wanted to explain this and more when we were to meet at Lohia Park that evening.

Apparently, she had already guessed all this from the conversation we had had over the past few days. She was in search of a mound when she found the hill in me. She must be enjoying herself  standing atop the mound---may life be a bit easier for her!  

The Spider Spins A Web

The Spider Spins A Web

There was an intricate web of emotions being spun in my heart even as she stood with a tray of tea-cups before me. Technically, she was the spider who had spun the web. She crawled all over my life in the few moment she stood before me, and I loved the experience.

It was like the sky meeting the earth in the horizon. The point is where the sun rises and this is also where the sun sets. Our confluence was to produce several rays of hope and happiness, while there were to be moments where our egos were to clash. There are sure to be both positive and negative aspects in our lives. I hope we can downplay the negative aspects and accentuate the positive points of our lives.

We were allowed a few moments of tête-à-tête following this. Her lips quivered while she maintained a calm silence. She blinked her eyes a hundred times till they met mine. The conversation was transferred to the beautiful soot black eyes she had. Their outline was delineated artistically by the black kaajal she used. The interlocutors did their best to continue the conversation initiated by the lips.

The successful attempt by the rose-petals was  complimented by the eyes. Her black eyes did conceal some deep and dark secrets in the pupils. They wanted to share them with my brown eyes. I could see in her eyes a subtle reflection of all the dreams I’d once hidden in my eyes. I did wonder if I ought to disclose all the dreams to her eyes. The question seemed to be irrelevant. Her eyes were already diving into my eyes with all the regalia of a professional scuba-diver. They spoke a language known only to her heart. The heart seems to be proficient in all languages. Infact, one doesn’t need a language to talk to one’s heart. All conversations between two hearts is carried out at the metaphysical level.

My heart was in a deep conversation with her heart even as our eyes carried out their typical conversation at their own level. She prodded deeply for some secrets, and the first secret to come tumbling out was of Zeenat. I sometimes wonder how much longer she is to remain confined to the four chambers of my heart. The lady who saw Zeenat in my eyes may be the agent required to convert the dream into a reality.

I want someone to convert all my dreams into reality. It is only when one’s dreams turn into a reality that happiness and mirth spread over the web of emotions in our lives.

There is a consistent tussle between emotions in every heart. The web of emotions should be strong enough to bear through all adversities. I hope the spider spins a web of such high quality that it can bear through rough times and climes with ease.

I See A Dream With My Eyes Open

I See A Dream With My Eyes Open

The baby I cuddled in my arms was one of the sweetest I’ve ever beheld. It was a miracle!! I took one of the baby’s palms in my hand and kissed it for the hundredth time in the past few minutes. I wanted a similar miracle from her, I wanted to say to her.

She blushed long before I articulated the words as though she had guessed the nature of threads of thoughts running through my mind. I marveled at the excellent chemistry between the two of us long before we formally tied the knot. We were together for a formal engagement. This was supposed to be the first step towards the bond of happiness we were to form.

I had come a long way in search of happiness and satisfaction, and it was going to be quite awkward if I still didn’t find any. I do wonder why my fate has denied me of my share while my peers have been dripping in it for years. The deep blush my alleged words propelled into her face did send some signals that I was near the end of my quest. She seemed to be a dream come true.

I didn’t know anything about her till now. She still seemed to be a riddle for me. The amusing question did insist on being answered, but I was left staring at her as if I had put up a question myself: I didn’t have any answers.

I couldn’t help looking at her over and over again. There was a typical mystery associated with her face: every feature seemed to be begging for my attention, and I was ready to give it all the attention it wanted.

 An intricate web of emotions was being spun in my heart  at that moment. There was a sense of satisfaction of being on the way to a definite destination. I wanted to move towards Zeenat.

Zeenat seems to be the driving force behind all my efforts to succeed in the world. Whatever I do, I do for Zeenat. She is a typical passion that has been alive and kicking in my heart ever since I possessed one. She is a dream I hve seen every single day of my life. I want to see the dream with my eyes open now.

The baby in my arms let out a shrill cry all of a sudden. I clung tightly to the infant assuring it of my presence: it wanted a sense of security, and I was all there to give it. Like the baby, she too wanted my love and attention and a sense of security. I hope I can give her all this and more when she does enter my life.

A Plea To Allah

It was a hot and dry day in April. A secluded corner in Café Coffee Day gave us a delightful chance of a tête-à-tête, nobody else being in the café. We were talking of old times when I suddenly put my hand upon her hand; she was a bit surprised, but she only smiled in retaliation. I was surprised, I expected to rise and leave the outlet in response, but she merely smiled at me. Apparently, things had changed at her end.

I could see that though she was the same shy and innocent girl I once knew, a few years of girlhood in Aligarh had extracted most of the simplicity out of her. We were in the University Canteen when I first met her on the pretext of exchanging class-notes. Our hearts always missed a beat when we were together after this. To encourage our hearts to take a recess, we made it a point to be there after regular classes everyday. We didn’t much to discuss, the lectures being quite enough themselves, but we liked being with each other.

We had come a long way since then, a lot had changed, but a connection still seemed to throb between us.

A wide gulf separated the youth in Aligarh and the lady I was before today. She was no longer the slim young lady I once knew. She had become a confident buxom bodied woman brave enough to fight the world on her own terms. She did look a bit different when we talked of the good old times. She looked quite good in all the trinkets and ornaments she had on. I had never seen her in such ostentation before:  student-life was so simple: there was only a lipstick and kaajal those days, and that too to keep up with her peers. The lady before me had elaborate gold earrings, and a gold chain to compliment the sari.

A lot of maturity had settled into her. I was sitting before an adult woman in a designer sari. She was quite different from the lass I knew while in Aligarh. I wanted to compliment her for her good looks when a man walked into he outlet. I was a bit surprised when he indicated an intimacy with her and    snuggled close to her on the sofa. She introduced him as her husband.

She had moved on from the time we were students in Aligarh. She even told me of a son who was in school. My heart wept a few silent tears when I thought of all that I had missed without Zeenat. Zeenat would have been a part of the world a long time ago had it not been for the set of physical handicaps I have. Life would have been different.

I wonder if I  should thank Allah for keeping me away from the fun and excitement Zeenat would have brought into the world because this would have meant a different set of problems for me. I was not a party to these problems, but was I better off without them? I wonder if this has been Allah’s motive behind keeping Zeenat in the trove of my dreams for such a long time. What do you say?

She told me she had been in touch with everyone from out batch: everyone had moved on and was well-settled. Most of my peers are at the apex of their careers thinking of how to tackle the host of issues that rattle their everyday lives. I do wonder if I am better off without having to bother about any of the issues.

On second thoughts, I wouldn’t mind having to deal with any issue if only Allah would give me the strength and courage to bear them with a smile. May Allah help me.  

The Phone Call That Day

Her sobs were quite sonorous even over the phone. The salinity of the tears was enough to change the pH value of my heart. I wish I could extend a hand to wipe off the tears dripping down her cheeks at that moment, but we were separated by quite a bit of a distance.

I did my best to console her for the loss she was about to be a party to. She was going to lose an important anchor in her life---me. She was telling me about a young man who had accompanied his parents to her home for a formal visit. It was one of the final steps in an arranged marriage where she was to give me up for someone else.

The young man was quite good-looking, she told me. He had a promising future with a very good job, and he had all the qualities in him that anyone looking for groom for his or her daughter should have. She felt I was sure to lose the race to accept her in a nikah. We were bound by the traditions of the Indian society where a nikah is usually arranged by the elders at home.

She knew me quite well, but her acquaintance wasn’t enough to propel the theme of an arranged marriage. For this to be possible, I should have been in the good books of her parents. Her parents were also well-acquainted with me, but they considered me a good-for-nothing.

I had been struggling against the dictates of my fate for a long time. I was unemployed despite excellent academic credentials. I had been pushed into the company of the unfortunate by a couple of physical handicaps. I had been rejected from the list of her suitors because of my state of unemployment which has its roots in my physical handicaps. Despite all this, she loved me, and I loved her too.

I wanted to tell her parents that the ideal and perfect nature of the consenting parties in a nikah was not that mattered.  The couple should find happiness and bliss in the alliance. It is mutual compatibility that counts at the end of the day. We would have found as much bliss in each others company but for my unemployment.

I was unemployed; I could never convince anyone of anything. It was like trying to fill an empty glass with water from an empty jug. Here was someone with all the qualities I didn’t have; I didn’t stand a chance.

There had been several moments when we had enjoyed each other’s company. We had never done anything more than hold hands, but it made me feel more important than anyone else in the world. It pushed down the feeling of inferiority ingrained in med over the years of my being.

Her company propelled the greatest feeling within me. It was enough to make me wish to hold her hand for a lifetime: it made me feel good and important: I wanted to feel good and important for a lifetime. I wanted to feel on top of the world. I wanted to reign in her world as a king. I wanted the feeling to be with me for a lifetime.

My life seemed to be incomplete without her just as her life seemed to have lost quite a bit of its typical flavour without me. The tears flowing down her cheeks were loud enough to scream out the fact.

It has been quite some time since we hung  up the phone after the moist conversation that day. She must have forgotten about me and the phone call that day that declared the end of our love-story by now. She must be living happily with her husband in another part of the world, while I still await a phone-call from someone else on a happy note.

She Brings Esters Into My Life

It was a hot, dry and sunny day in April. We had walked quite a bit of the way together. There seemed to be no end to the road before us, but we didn’t have an option but to move ahead with time. We were desperately looking for a shelter, but there was a barren road before us:  there wasn’t even a tree in sight to provide some amount of relief from the scorching sun, but the two of us sere holding hands. It gave us quite a bit of satisfaction and relief.

There had been a variety of issues in our lives as celibates, but we could not look at them now. They seemed to be a part of nightmares each of us had seen a couple of weeks back. None of us had the courage to look back now that we had come so far on the track of happiness. We only wanted to look at each other now--- this was the most appealing scene for both of us now.

I looked at her for the hundredth time as if I was witnessing a miracle, and I knew it wasn’t a trick of the eye either. I had to pinch myself several times to convince myself of her being a reality and not a dream.

She was certainly better than all the dreams id witnessed with my eyes closed and even those id dared to see with my eyes open. She was the physical manifestation of all the ideals hanging around in my mind for a long time.

Only a few days ago, she had been a mystery to me. The mystery was on its way to being solved. Some facets of her personality had revealed themselves, while many more remained hidden. We were bound by a marital contract now. There had been a great pomp and show to announce our confluence, but it was a part of our history now. We were on the way to write another chapter in our history now, this was a book whose pages were to have esters on them: a fruity smell was to emanate whenever the pages were flipped over.

The chemical composition of the esters was to dictate whether the fruity smell was to be evanescent or if it was to last for a lifetime. We had done our very best to make sure each page had hydrocarbons of the ideal quantity and quality. We wanted to preserve the sweet scent of each moment we spent in each other’s company forever.  

We looked forward to carrying their smell into many more chapters time was going to open for us. The most exciting chapter of these would be the one that would herald Zeenat into our lives. Well, this is to be another story.

Life is not going to be easy in any way for us, I know. The only difference between today, yesterday and tomorrow will be that these problems will now be tackled by two pairs of hands rather than being handled single-handedly.

True hands are sure to create enough shade and shelter for the two of us to walk calmly and peacefully over the road in the blazing heat of the sun. There may not be any trees to provide a shade, but the very fact that we were holding hands is enough to deter the sun from shining heavily on us. The heat and sun in our lives will eventually give way to a cool evening, I’m sure. I look forward to the change.    

In Search Of Happiness

In Search Of Happiness

I held her hand tightly like a crocodile holds on to its prey even as she got up and brushed her dress in preparation  of leaving. Her hand seemed to be the last and final strong of hope and happiness, and I certainly didn’t want to let it go. This was the best time of the day, and it was drawing to a close.

We discovered a corner in paradise every single day of our lives in each other’s company as celibates. We only had to hold each other’s hands to be in heaven. The contact was enough to usher an ecstasy through our bodies. It was enough to propel us to the seventh sky that hosted the Holy Quran on Shab-e-Qadr. We inched closer to each other every day while we shared a park-bench. We discovered a secluded place in each other’s hearts that was reserved for the other everyday while on the bench.

The bonhomie between us had been discovered by our parents courtesy our inquisitive and curious siblings. Our parents didn’t appreciate of us getting closer than the next-door neighbours we were.

Our intimacy was sponsored by the fact that we were classmates. We often met on the pretext of exchanging notes, and no one could say anything against it. We were great friends and on the way to being something more than friends. The only problem was that the path was punctuated by religious differences. We were in search of a love-guru who could dissipate and negate the differences between us. The differences were pronounced quite loudly when a soul mate was sought for her from the community she belonged to.

This was when we realized we were in love. We needed each other’s company as someone needs the shade of a tree on a hot and sunny day. We never knew how and when each of us became the other’s strong need. We hadn’t realized we were in love till now. We were determined not to let go of each other’s hand at any cost.

But we had to let go of each other’s hand when our destinies declared themselves superior to love. We realized we could never be happy after causing the displeasure of our parents who had cared for us. The idea had to be dropped. None of us felt like the protagonists in a Hindi movie who dare all social norms and trends for the sake of love. We were headed for the same destination, aboard the same boat, but the boat had suddenly run into rapids. Our love was like an iridescent soap-bubble that threatened to burst up when someone touched it.

There was a policewala standing before us reminding us of the late hour and the inappropriateness of our romantic adventure in a public-park. I quietly let go of her hand and rose to leave myself. The park-bench had been the rendezvous of many of our furtive meetings for quite a few weeks. We were aware of the dissonance our meetings created in the minds of our parents, but we were not prepared to let go of each other’s hands.

We felt something like what freedom-fighters must have felt when they revolted against the British government in the early 20^th century. We were desperately waiting for a Gandhi to fish us out of the chains of slavery that bound us to our rigid and orthodox ideals and religious values.

The policewala yawned and stretched out his arms like someone watching the same movie for the hundredth time. The sight of young couples canoodling on a park-bench was certainly not a novelty for him. Only a part of his diktats fell on our deaf ears. Here was someone eulogizing on the positive points of the arranged marriage he and his parents had had. He seemed to be convinced of the failure of our alliance even before we tied the knot. The truth was that our love-story was headed for the doldrums.

We could do practically nothing to save our love-story from being immortalized like another mummy from Egypt. There were religious and cultural differences that punctuated the yawning gap between the two of us. the Indian society does frown upon a married couple who hailed from different religious communities before marriage, although it smiles when it sees young boys and girls hanging out in public places like McDonald’s, KFC and Pizza Hut. Nothing can ever change the mentality of the Diaspora. The important point is that the youth do it to be happy, and they do discover some happiness with each other.   

There has been a severe dearth of hope and happiness in my life. I wasted my youth in academic pursuits. Destiny pushed me in company of several issues that shall continue to haunt me as long as I live. Her company gave me a chance to forget all this. I wanted her company for a lifetime. This added to the set of reasons why id didn’t want to leave her hand. I wanted to keep holding on till my last breath. She seemed to be capable of filling in all the blanks in my life.

Interestingly, she wasn’t willing to leap the fence to be a part of me. I tried to explain things to her, but she seemed to be adamant on sticking on the religious credentials she was born into. Her upbringing in an orthodox Hindu family was what I should have considered before falling in love with her, but one seldom weighs pros and cons before falling in love. Love is something that happens by itself. No amount of logic and reasoning can ever predict if two people are to fall in love. There are absolutely no points one considers before falling in love.

Love is believed to have the power to change the world, but it certainly could not change her orthodox mindset. We were headed for the same destination aboard the same boat, but we were looking in different directions. It is essential for both parties in love to look the same way for the boat to sail smoothly to the shore. Her reluctance to leap over the wall of religious differences was what pushed our love-story to a fresh nadir every single moment of our lives.

I consoled myself with the thought that not all love-stories have a happy-ending. I’m sure she will find as much joy and happiness in her husband’s company. I shall also find some with my wife.

The policewala was correct!       

In Search Of Paradise

In Search Of Paradise

Happiness, joy and mirth were some of the ingredients of a happily married life that were missing from our lives. We were already a couple of years down the annals of conjugal life and yet se looked out of the windows of our lives at happiness like young children do when someone with a bag full of  toys passes by.

I found it hard to believe and accept that my conscience was the most responsible for the mess. I tried to evaluate if I held a lot of expectations from the alliance. The truth was that I did want to be loved and cared for in the most selfish manner. I wanted her disinterested attention more than anything else in the world.  I wanted to be loved to the extent of madness.

She seemed to be the ideal entity I had been looking for all these years. She seemed to be the most important ingredient of my dreams. Then one day, she stepped out of them to occupy the center-stage before me. But the one in my life is quite different from the one in my dreams.

My dreams are practically shattered. She was certainly not the one I had dreamt of as a celibate. My prolonged celibacy had brought forth several truths and realities of life that would not have been clear had I bid adieu to my life as a bachelor at an earlier point of time. But I’d certainly not bargained for anything of the kind I had got.

I needed her love and attention more than anything else in the world. I’d been dealt with some odd cards in the game of life, and I badly wanted someone who could turn up things on a bright note for me. I wanted someone who    would be able to see the world through the glasses I wear, and yet use her senses and precise vision to formulate an opinion.

She could never have loved me the way I wanted her to. She couldn’t love anyone with the devotion Hindus render to the deities they worship. I wanted such devotion from her. There was an utter mismatch between my expectations and what I had got.

Time seemed to have outrun my fate in the race to the finishing-line. I needed someone who could synchronise their pace over the running-track. Time and fate should always run in the same direction at an equal pace: they are supposed to touch the finishing line at the same time. In my  case, there was a stiff competition between  the two. I wanted someone who could explain things to Time and persuade it to give up the competition. My life had been riddled with instances of either of the two running ahead of each other.

The game of life had certainly been made all the more tough for me by a couple of physical handicaps. They have been a part of me for quite some time, and their insistence on dominating my life has been quite loud and strong. They have practically ruined my life. She does not accept them as a part of her life. I had made it very clear at the very outset of the drawbacks associated with me and the toughness that life with me was going to entail when we met for the first time, but either she had not comprehended the importance of my words or had not heard them altogether.  

I reminded myself when a relationship goes wrong, both parties are to be blamed. She had been dreaming of a life on a bed of roses. Instead, she had to walk on a path     strewn with pebbles and thorns. Although there had been several joyful and happy moments in our lives, she seemed to view them in a negative light.

There seems to be no end to the tension and turmoil in my life. We had had an arranged marriage, I’m sure our parents did evaluate our compatibility, but I’m sure they had never imagined such a great mismatch between expectations and results. The bag of a thousand wishes I held in my hand can never be filled, but at least I can hope for some of my wishes to be fulfilled. We live with considerable happiness today, hoping for the problems in our lives to be solved amicably one day; my expectations will have to scaled down to a tolerable level for this; may the young children get the toys they saw out of the window their lives.

The Fire Within Me

The Fire Within Me

I caught her arm, pulled her to myself and loosened the fastening of her hair. I watched closely as it rolled down her shoulders. Encircling her in my arms, I pulled her to myself and kissed her lips. Her lips provided the most comfortable cushion to absorb the ecstasy flowing through my body  in her presence. I wanted the ecstasy to be with me forever and a day, but the moment was ephemeral as she was bent on leaving.

I didn’t want to let go of her arm. I didn’t want the moment to fade into oblivion. I was dripping in ecstasy while she was with me, and it was to give way to a weird loneliness when she left. I felt like someone who remains thirsty even after he has been drenched in heavy rain.

There was a cocktail of emotions being prepared in my heart at that moment. They ignited a fire within me that couldn’t be tackled by all the fire-brigades in the world. The worst part of it is that it shall burn throughout my life courtesy the bulk of emotions in my heart: it is reignited after every cycle of dawn and dusk.

There seems to be no dearth of emotions in my heart to fuel the fire. The fire has been ruffled and fluttered regularly through the course of time depending on  the direction of winds. The important point is that it has maintained an average luminosity over the years. It has been able to penetrate many dark corners of my heart, it has been enough to make me quite uncomfortable, but it has also revealed several new and different dimensions of love and companionship.

Fire can be man’s best friend, while it can also destroy our very being   unless it is kept under control. I can certainly survive through a lifetime with the fire burning within me, but it must be brought down for a healthy sustenance. But I’m not the only one who has the fire burning in his heart. It is only that time and destiny effectively tackle the fire with the most competent extinguishers in the normal case. My case has been a bit different. I’ve been pushed in the company of red embers rather than extinguishers.

They have only added to the uncomfortable feeling dominant within me. I tried to douse the fire by myself, but I burnt myself in the attempts: only a professional fire-fighter can do it. Moreover, the fire burning within me requires an extinguisher of a special sort. At least the person operating the extinguisher used to douse the fire within me should be a bit different from the one operating other extinguishers. I certainly lag behind my peers in several ways, and the fact warrants an operator with special skills.

I wonder if the lady I’d just kissed has the potential to be the ideal operator of the fire-extinguisher that can bring down the fire within me. Perhaps she has the key to all the extinguishers required to douse the fire. What do you say?    

The School-Children Reach School

The School-Children Reach School

          A new day was breaking when the sound of the railway-engine broke the silence of the dawn. The rattling of the coaches over the track reminded me of the fast pace at which life rushes by. I couldn’t help thinking of all this as I felt quite a bit of our lives to be behind us. The two of us were like a couple of school-children waiting at a railway-crossing for the train to pass by and barriers to be lifted. We had been pushed behind schedule by the delayed passage of the train over the track before us.

          On my part, I felt like someone who had managed to get on the last bus home but at the very last moment. I might have injured myself in the process because the bus had caught some speed when I finally got on to it, the conductor may have pushed me off the bus, but instead, I got a hearty welcome by the conductor and other passengers on the bus.

          It is strange, but married life does bring about the confluence of two different people. It had put the two of us together on the same bus. We hardly knew each other a week ago, we were introduced to each other a few days ago, and yet love was flowing through our veins in the form of red blood. It was symbolic of the purity and chastity of the agreement we had entered into the day before. There was a strong gush of blood through our veins following the initial interaction. For the moment, there were a thousand and one bubbles of happiness emerging out of the ring I’d just blown into after dipping in into the solution of marriage.

The strong rush of blood through our veins was accentuated by the consciousness that we had to capture the essence of the passing moments even of those that we had missed out through a sieve capable of capturing the sweetest moments while it let go of the sour ones. The years to come were to have a combination of sweet and sour moments. The effectiveness of the sieve to filter out the sweet moments of life was to determine the success and failure of the alliance of the alliance we had entered into.

          The agreement brought about a distracting wish within me to be near her. while the sun was rising in the world around us, there was another sun indicating an intimacy between us that was rising and shining quite brightly.

The glam and joy of   marital bliss that had caught our strained gaze in our celibacy was a part of our lives now. It made us blink our eyes like one does when he passes through dark alleys.

We were to pass through many obscure alleys together, quite a few of which had never been wandered into by anyone before us, and whose very existence has been forgotten by everyone. There are to be many adventures down the scale of time. We were happy we had found bliss and happiness in each other’s company even at the lowest point of the scale rather than finding none at all.

The school-children were certainly late for school, but they were glad they reached school rather than missing it out completely.   

A Bag Of A Thousand Wishes

A Bag Of A Thousand Wishes

She looked spectacular in all the trinkets and gold  jewelry. I’ve always been  a proponent of simplicity in all forms, but the spectacle before me made me revise my principles. Here was beauty in its purest form screaming at the silence between us that spoke of affinities responsible for making a lifelong companionship pleasing.

The spectacle before me diminished me, it cut me down in years. I felt like a young boy hardly older than what I was when I stood by Baab-e-Syed in Aligarh dreaming of grades and scholarship. The spectacular structure made me wish for another life which I would have spent in enjoying all the fun I missed while here. They were certainly some of the best days of my life.

The ardour and passion of youth had certainly died down in me. The attractions of yesteryears had lost their luster a long time back. They did appear glamorous at a certain point of time in my youth, but considering the fact that my youth is now long gone and forgotten, their attraction is also gone.

It makes me feel quite bad when I think of the immense time I wasted in studying. They were some of the most precious days of my life, but I simply wasted them in studying. It has brought me to no end. I would still have been unemployed had I not wasted my time in academic pursuits. Studying has brought me to no end. Infact, I lost my first job because of my strong academic credentials.  I wish I had enjoyed life as my peers did.

I did wonder if the spectacle before me was also going to lose its glamour and luster when the trinkets and jewelry are taken off. The transition from glamorous to ordinary doesn’t occur in a few hours, I know, the years to come are sure to do the trick.

The days in Aligarh were certainly some of the best days of my life, but I wish I had not      wasted them in academic pursuits. Youth is meant to be enjoyed, and not to be wasted in studying. The vigour and energy of youth should be set in the proper direction and shouldn’t be wasted in studying. I think very bad about it when I think of the colossal amount of time I wasted in studying. I shouldn’t have done it.

Youth is akin to the trinkets and jewelry on her. It was what made my life beautiful and with the youth gone, I have lost the glitter and luster. On the other hand, very little has been in my power. I remind myself I have several physical handicaps that render me unable to do many things my peers did in their youth. These handicaps refuse to be a part of my life. Their adamant nature has made life very difficult for me. My life is a set of intricate problems that cannot be solved in any case.

I only hope the lady before me accepts the problems I have as a part of our lives. I don’t expect any miracles from life particularly at this stage. I’m aware that I wasted quite a bit of my time, and time will extract its share of penalty from my life. It has already extracted quite a bit, I only hope the extraction machines are switched off at the earliest, and life turns out to be a bit smoother.    

A New Route To Happiness

A New Route To Happiness

She certainly wasn’t the most beautiful lady I’ve come across, but she was quite good looking. She was to assume the most prominent place in my heart, soul and life in a couple of days. She was seated on the sofa before me, and I couldn’t help feeling pushed to the lowest grade of mankind even as we faced each other as equals.

We were to be married in a few days. The bond was supposed to negate all differences and bring us on an equal footing. A look at her made me wonder if the consenting parties were really equal. She was certainly not my equal. She was someone better than me. I asked myself if I was prepared to spend my life with a person supposed to be an equal, but superior to me in all ways. I didn’t have a choice, so the question was irrelevant. She seemed to be analyzing me long before I had a complete sketch of the portrait before me.

 Her eyes were the sonar that plunged deep into my heart even as she looked at me quite casually. I felt vaguely embarrassed when I felt some of my best kept secrets flitting out of my heart. Quite a few secrets are hidden in each of the four chambers. I didn’t want her to discover all of them at the first interaction. Rather, I didn’t want her to discover any of them. She may not find it easy to digest that she has not been the first to knock at the door of my heart. Quite a few had delivered some malignant injuries to some valves of my heart. The damage seemed to be irreparable when the injuries occurred, the pain was excruciating, the damage seemed to be a permanent one, but Time emerged as an eminent physician and healed all of them.

There were a lot of ugly scars left over from the injuries. I wanted to conceal the scars, but the sonar did probe deep within my being.  Thankfully, she seemed to be determined to ignore all scars and remove all reminders of the past. She was my future bent on tackling my past.

At the present moment, I did my best to present the best picture I could of myself. After all, this was our first interaction, and although it was merely a formality, I wanted to leave behind a strong fragrance when I left. It was going to go a long way in determining the way we were to look at each other for the rest of our lives.

The moment brought out  the importance of the first impression. Till now, I never bothered about the way I looked, or the way I dressed, but I suddenly became conscious of the picture I presented before the young lady. I wanted to look good, if only to leave behind a lasting impression on the young lady.

I began to feel pushed down by the realization of my inability to do many things my peers and contemporaries can. I began to wish for another life without the physical handicaps I inherited from a head-injury. On second thoughts, this might be being thankless to The Almighty for all that He has given me. If she accepts my handicaps as a part of our lives, and doesn’t expect me to do the things others do, life is certainly going to be easy. For the moment, I did feel a bit uneasy when she offered a glass of juice to me.

My embarrassment had its root in the moment she entered the room. I sunk back into the chair I was sitting in. I was dumb-struck by the elegant personality that stepped into the room and knocked a door in my heart so loudly that the sound echoed all over the room we were in.

I was prepared to open all the doors of my heart but for the one that led to Zeenat. Zeenat is a dream I shall never share with anyone, I made it very clear to her. Zeenat is someone I love with all my heart and soul. Her thoughts strike a typical chord within me. The very abstract nature of my daughter makes her all the more attractive. The lady before me had the potential to transform the abstract form into a concrete reality.

On second thoughts, I don’t want the abstraction to be turned into a reality.

The abstract form of Zeenat is quite exciting and good in itself. She seems to be the driving-force behind all my efforts to emerge a victor in the battle of life. Whatever I do, I do for Zeenat. I don’t want the dream to come true.

I wanted to step back into the remote corners of the alleys of celibacy once again. I didn’t want the lady to work her charisma on me and my life. The charisma may give way to an end I may not like at all. I paused at the gate of celibacy and looked back for quite a long time.

The road ahead was full of mysteries and adventures. There was novelty and excitement at every bend to say nothing of the surprises waiting for me at every corner and every bend. The road behind me was quite a long dreary stretch of road where quite a few cacti had come up. It was unthinkable to go back now. There were quite a few speed-breakers and bumps on the road ahead, but they only added to the joys of discovering new routes to happiness we were to unravel from now on. 

The Fresh Rain Drops

The Fresh Rain Drops

I looked out of the window at the rain falling from the heavens. It was the time before daybreak when there was no traffic on the road to make it the busy rendezvous of automobiles, scooters, bikes and even pedestrians. The road was covered with water and there was even more water dripping from the skies every second. The strong flavours of bitterness in my life were neutralized by the water. She had been the most powerful agent responsible for the effect.

She was a cloud that had shielded me from the harsh rays of the sun over the past few months. The sun’s rays had the potency to produce malignant cancerous tumours in my body. Several parts of my body might have found themselves at the altar of the sun, but she had shielded me from the damaging rays. They were like dregs of concentrated sulphuric acid that can destroy anything and everything.

The cloud had the potential to shower bliss and happiness over the serene landscape of my life. It lent a typical aura of hope and positive energy to the world around me. It was as if I had been looking at the world through a pair of lenses that were soiled with brine and dust.

She had stepped into the picture to clean the lenses like a professional window-cleaner cleans windows. She had put a full-stop to all the sentences that said my fate was to suffer. Life is not meant to be a saga of suffering. She had read the message in loud and clear terms.

She had transformed all negative sentences in my life to affirmative ones. The excitement contained in exclamatory sentences had been magnified  by virtue of her very presence in my life. My life was, after all, not going to be another affirmative statement  people make through the day. She had routed all vehicles carrying joy and happiness through me with such skill and manoeuvre that it is likely to make the most adept traffic-policeman shy.

I did not like the road that came from celibacy now. The wayside objects reminded me of al those acts that seem to be foolish now. I was determined to make a fresh start. Moreover, I didn’t have much of a choice. The only feasible option I had was of marching ahead. We had been moving ahead for quite some time despite the nebulousness that greeted us from time to time. There were many dark corners in the road that simply could never be penetrated by beams of streetlight flooding the roads. Her company had the power granted to insects who can assume a typical glow of their own.   

There had been several instances of cloud-bursts. She was certainly not brought up to bear through the hardships she had to put up with. The hardships had been like the chemicals that induce rainfall if clouds don’t shower their share of bliss by themselves. There had been several moments when she simply couldn’t bear the pitfalls that life with me entailed, but I had helped her bear everything with a smile.

We were on the same boat now and I couldn’t shy away from my responsibility of keeping the boat afloat despite the crests and troughs the world around us created. All the obscure and dark alleys of life had to be crossed together. There was very little  chance of finding happiness here, but I had done my best to brighten up the way with whatever limited capabilities I have.

My ghostly  past seems to have gone fishing now; everything speaks of today now. The freshness exuberated by the rain drops is all that counts now.

The Prince And Pauper Change Roles

The Prince And Pauper Change Roles

We had completed the first hundred days of our marital life with considerable happiness: we had touched an important milestone. There had been some moments of discord and conflict, but we had celebrated each passing day as an important landmark.

We were traveling by train to Delhi from Lucknow to be a part of a wedding. It was our first venture to a different city after marriage. On the platform, quite a few vendors were selling their merchandise on stalls, while there were some beggars urging people to part with some money.

I spread out the linen provided by the railways to make a cosy bed for her. I wanted to make sure she discovered all the comfort she possibly could while on the train. This was going to be an attempt to reciprocate a part of the favour she had bestowed on me. She had consented to be a part of me despite the affirmation that life was not going to be easy with me. She was sitting on the berth next to me, but I couldn’t help feel inferior to her in all ways.

A feeling of inferiority had been ingrained within me by the direction in which Time had thrown me. I had to put up with a lot of failures in life. But this is largely a matter of perception. Success and failures in life are largely a measure of expectations one has. I didn’t have a lot of expectations from life at that point of time, it is wrong to have any, I know, but I did hope for a bit of happiness in return for the trauma I had been through.   

There was a sense of guilt buried deep within me for being the last to touch the finishing-line. I had certainly wasted my youth, some of the best days of my life, in doing nothing. A closer analysis of the situation reveals it has not been my purview at all. The Creator chose to inscribe all this in my destiny with great meticulous care and planning.

The interaction of the past few weeks had been enough to convince me of her being a part of a carefully planned destiny. She was the reward for all the sufferings. She had been the propeller pushing life with all its paraphernalia through me. My mornings had certainly become a lot brighter, while the sun had lost its typical heat. The world had suddenly become the most beautiful place one can imagine.

She had certainly made my world a better place to live in over the past few months. She had guided me to her heart where mirth and happiness reign unchallenged. This is where I can get over helplessness ingrained within me by the way fate has dealt its cards to me.

In return, I wanted to make her the happiest person in the world.  The situation would  certainly have been different had I been like my peers and contemporaries. But as matters stand, I am a bit different. The difference is pronounced in a negative manner all over my life. Life has never given me a lot of options to choose from. I can never choose the cymbals of mirth or even sorrow ringing in our lives.

Practically, I can do nothing about it. She has to suffer because she is a part of me.  The most I can do is give her my company. The joy of discovering new planets through the same telescope every single day of our lives has certainly given us the realization that we are to discover a new   world of happiness everyday.

She had certainly discovered quite a bit of satisfaction in my company, while I too had extracted my share of happiness in the deal. I did feel bad about it when I thought of the immense happiness and satisfaction my peers and contemporaries had discovered had discovered in their lives, while I had to stare at a blank wall. I may have been in a better position to offer all the happiness she deserved and more had I not been shoved away from the crowd.

At the end of the day, I find myself holding up an empty bowl for my share of happiness   and satisfaction before me. The fact is both of us are to keep changing the roles of the prince and the pauper as long as we live. Both of us hold quite a bit of happiness and we are willing to part with it quite readily.

The train did get to Delhi in a couple of hours, and we continue to march towards completing 200 days of marital bliss and happiness.