MY LAST LOVE

MY LAST LOVE

I'm not sure how, why and when I fell in love with her. This was probably because I needed a concrete reason to push ahead in life. It would be best for me to forget all about her now, but this proves how one of my wishes was granted. I had always wanted to fall in love again, if only for a while. The brevity of the episode that ended just now ought to satisfy me.

My satisfaction would have known no bounds had my affection been reciprocated. To be loved to madness---this has been my great desire. Love is to me the one cordial that can drive away the loneliness eating into my life. I long for the abstraction called passionate love more than any particular lover.

No lover has probably experienced the crests and troughs of emotions that I have experienced. Se did not dominate over my thoughts for a long time, she did not hold sway over my life for a long time, yet the few moments that I spent thinking of her have been the best of my life. The few moments of ecstasy that I experienced while thinking of her have contributed a lot to my happiness. A blaze of love and extinction is better than a lantern glimmer of the same that would last long years.

The long years that I have spent in the world have brought me face to face with several episodes, each stronger than the last. I'm not sure how and when all this started. I had always been a lad of whom something was expected, but it is bad when your fate outruns time. My fate began its reign in a subtle manner when I had the accident. It changed the entire course of my life. I began to appreciate aesthetics rather than the stoic logic of science. The most important change was that I began to shirk the science that governs the society. A man who advocates aesthetic effort and depreciates social effort is only likely to be understood as someone to whom social effort is a stale matter. Social effort did become a stale matter for me till the time that I fell in love with her. The awareness that I was in love changed everything.

Everything became beautiful. Life became beautiful. I began to love her. The world around me was suddenly whitewashed with everything good and beautiful. I could now change every defect to my advantage. I began to suffer from a pain typical to those struck by Cupid. The pain was more in the mind than in the body. Gradually, I began to enjoy the pain of Cupid's darts. I enjoyed thinking of her. I badly wish the joy and ecstasy were eternal. I wish I could capture her thoughts for eternity. Her thoughts are invested with such emotional power that I find myself surging to the heavens when I think of her. I will have to descend to a lower level sooner or later, I know. The sooner I come back to earth the better it would be for me. The picture that life has painted for me on earth is certainly quite dull and serene. The morbidity of my life without her reminds me that she entered my life to add a bit of mirth to my life that was passing through a tunnel. Her thoughts are still with me. I would not trade anything in the world for them.