I Don’t move

I Don’t move
I winged my way back to my carefree, calm and untroubled youth while I walked home yesterday; my transmutation from my present to my past was quite unprecedented, but welcome. In knew it was only in my mind that I could travel across frontiers of time; it is virtually insurmountable.  In a small way, my walk cancelled all of my existence before the exercise, particularly the part that had ugly pictures.

It was like walking back to my room in the hostel where I spent some of the best days of my life. They appear to be the best to me because this was a point of time when I was in a position to absorb all its nuances in its comprehensive form. There have been and there certainly shall be some more exciting days filled with even more vigour and enthusiasm, but I regard them as some of the best days of my life.

Those carefree days shall never come back in any form, I remind myself, and I don’t want them to be back. There were certain elements in those days I shall not want to be repeated. Most of these negative elements have lost their power and force with the passage of time, but I know there were certain elements I would never like to be back with me in any form. I look upon them as something dirty, filthy and despicable now. They only added to the tension and spoiled the fun there might have been had they not been there. In fact, I don’t want to walk upon any of the paths that once appeared to be lined with a golden hue. They have lost the tint they once had.

There is still nothing better in my present. My present has never been exciting. I have always wanted to move on to a brighter and better future. There is always a typical dissonance within me for my present created by its nuances. It is always generated  shortly after I land in my present. The wings that shall take me to satisfaction and happiness haven’t been made.

I still have to discover a better and stronger adhesive that shall bind me to my present stronger than anything else has ever been able to. My present is where I shall find eternal bliss, I know, but I want to move on. There is an eternal restlessness within me that pushes me on. My wings want me to soar.

I only want to move on to my future now. My future isn’t exactly exciting and attractive, but since I have to move on, my future stands ready to be embraced. I look at my future as my saviour from all my incumbent misery. Had it not been mandatory for me to move on, it would have been an entirely different story. The very thought it could be worse than all that I have been through sucks out all the enthusiasm there should be a part of me when I think of my future.

I know I can never get back to my past, however good it may have been. I shall have to move back in time to touch the glory of these lost days, but somehow, I know I shall never be able to. I often bless my inability to do so. Yesterday had its own typical values and norms. With the passage of time, norms and values have changed. Today has a whole lot of different norms and values. I don’t think it is going to be practical to travel back to my past.

My misery is heightened when I realise my present isn’t comfortable either. Being in the present is quite like walking on a hot bed of coal-fire. There is a typical dissonance for my present that pushes me on, and I simply don’t have a choice but to move on over the bed of fire before me. There are all chances of my future being as bleak or twice as much full of agony, I know, but I have had had enough of my present now. There are other problems awaiting me at the other end of the road, I know, and I only have to cross the road before me to be before them. I don’t know if I would like to be there now.

At times, my future seems to be waiting eagerly to embrace me. I can visualise a world that doesn’t have any of my contemporary problems. There certainly are other problems, and they are of a different nature, but the very difference is what attracts me to them. There is a typical sense of novelty ingrained in them. The sheer sense of novelty is what pulls me towards my future all the more furiously.

The attraction is like that of a magnet. There is a typical desperateness growing within me as I feel myself pulled by my future. My eyes are full of all sleepless nights  I spend thinking of my future. The agony is recorded in the scattered pleats of my bedsheet. I wish someone would notice them.

I have risen from my slumbers. This is when I want to leave everything that fetters me to my present, and rush on to my future. I wish I could. I want to, but I can’t. there is a heavy load tied to my feet that doesn’t allow me to move on. There is no way I can shake off this load. It is too heavy.

I didn’t want to think of my past or even my future now that I am in the security of my home. The very thought lets loose a typical entropy within me. I wish there was a way to soothe even a bit of it. I can feel everything within me running from pillar to post like a lot of madmen let lose. There is simply no way they can be pacified. I don’t want them to be. I have discovered a typical joy hidden beneath all this pandemonium.

I shall remain where I am.