Is This Life Better?

Is This Life Better?
I was about to win the most important game of my life when she decided to leave my side. She couldn’t have chosen a worse time. It was  a point of time when I needed her company more than anything else; it was more than a shock for me when I realised she is not to be a part of my reality anymore. It took some time before the truth settled within me; but finally, it did settle within me like silt deposits on the bank of a river. It was to stay there for a long time like an anchor of a ship traveling across an ocean that had paused its engines. 

She was going to occupy a large part of my subconscious mind for  a long time to come, I know: the ship was to remain there for a long time. There was no way I could ever deny her the honour. It was going to be quite tough for me to put up without her now for she had become an integral part of my life in the past several years.

She had been instrumental in bringing me to the point where I stand today as a victor in my life. She was the one who had been the driving force behind all my struggles. Moving ahead is quite a tough task for me now without her. My world  virtually begins with her and it end with her too. I have battled with light and darkness in all their different shapes and forms, but all my struggles seem to have been futile now that she isn’t a part of my life any more. The sun seems to have lost quite a bit of its warmth and shine.

There was a time when the whole world seemed to be opposed to me. My fate was against me, my friends were  against me, everyone seemed to be my enemy, and yet I fought desperately through everything that came my way. I now realise that I only wanted to be able to retain her company by my side. I  loved her more than anyone else in this world. She had become more precious to me than any other possession in my world. I yearned for her company just as a thirsty Bedouin pines for a few dregs of water while in the deserts of Arabia. My feelings were reciprocated by her too; I know she also loved me as much as I did. She was prepared to plunge into the deepest ocean with me if I accompanied her. Apparently, I was wrong.

Today, all these emotions appear to have gone into a waste-bin. There was a faint, dim and yet sure sound of her voice accompanying every move I made till a while back, and the voice prodded me on to my goal. I don’t think I would have been at my goal or anywhere even near it had it not been for her voice prodding me towards my goal. She moved on to  a different destination once I had got to mine. She moved on to a place far better than where I am. Her voice has got dimmer and dimmer with the passage of time, but is still prominent in my world. She has moved far away from me now, but her voice still echoes and reverberates through my being while her presence stands taller than all those around me.

I have a larger than life image of the lady of my life. She has always been and she shall always be the greatest source of joy I ever had. Had it no been for her prodding me ahead and provoking me to make consistent efforts for a better today. I may not have moved ahead with such intensity that has possessed me for the past few years. She created a powerful magic without even a magic-wand. I wish there was a way to recreate even a bit of it and unravel whatever effect it had on me all over again. I shall certainly look into all bins for all magic-wands required for this to happen.

There has been a tremendous amount of angst surrounding everything I do and everything I have because I have been unable to find any magic-wands.  I wish I could thank her for the magic she created over me. I  want to make her feel special just as she made me feel good. There are  a lot of things I want for her, but she has moved ahead to another apex. I feel like a wizard who has been deprived of an audience which cheers at whatever tricks he performs. The poor wizard doesn’t understand why he has been dealt with such a handicap. It makes him inferior to everyone in his world of magic.

His world of magic is all he has. He knows only about this world. A world outside this world of magic practically  doesn’t exist. He doesn’t want to know a better world. All that counts right now is that she isn’t with him anymore. I look around me every now and then, I peep into my past and my future; perhaps she is lurking somewhere in some annals of time, but my vision never encounters a positive result.

In a small way, this has proved to be a blessing in disguise for me. Had she been with me for my lifetime, I would have regarded the security of all those years I spent with her as the final and ultimate reprieve from all anarchy ever around me. I would never have made any efforts to move on to the point where I stand today had she not shown me how to walk. Practically, she taught me how to run.

I consider an iota of success in future life a dim possibility because she is not going to be with me. My world ends where her presence ends.

I’ll live a better life now all the same.