I Don’t Have A Choice

I Don’t Have A Choice
I looked quietly at the symbols of silence and retirement before me with awe and wonder in my eyes. There was exhaustion screaming at the top of its voice within me as my feet lay on the ground. I wanted to lift them up to the bed, but somehow, I couldn’t. there was a fiery flow of blood through my body as my feet began to shout out for their share of oxygen; blood rushed to my feet to supply what was the need of the hour. I had a lot of books to read albeit the pain in my feet. In a small way, I found the typical pain a help to my understanding of what was before me on the table. Blood was pounding through my body too with the speed of an express train, and so it ran through my brain. The fresh supply of oxygen to my brain cells brought through blood brought a surplus amount of energy in my brain.

They were days when I was a student in my hostel. Several years have passed by since that time. Weeks, months, seasons, pass along. They seem little more than a summer day and a winter evening now they are gone. I sometimes wish I could go back to these days, but on second thoughts, I shall move on in quest of a brighter future. My juvenile experiences matter very little or almost nothing to me now. My past is as hazy as a bed of roses is on a foggy and dim morning. The roses are still there, they will always be there, their fragrance shall always be as refreshing, but their freshness faded off long ago.  

I still regard those days as some of the best days of my life, but what I have to bear in mind is that better days shall certainly be here. I only have to wait for better days to be here. All of us live through days, weeks, months and years, we bear through all kinds of hardships and misfortunes life inflicts on us every single day without a grim facial expression in the hope that tomorrow shall certainly be better than today.

 Life has now become a great and long fairy-tale, and somehow, I feel the most important part of it is about to begin to unfurl itself now. There are a lot of fairies and goblins to figure in the several years to come, and the plot is to unfurl itself in all its paraphernalia of hopes and miseries. I often wonder if the fairy besides me has stronger powers than any of these figures.

She was sitting next to me!! I was so honoured!! I couldn’t help jumping into the air when I realised her presence beside me. She was Hope personified. all my life became meaningful in the single moment I realised her presence. I could see a bright future before me with her in it. Till a few moments ago, there was a future before me of which I knew nothing about.

A distinct fear of the unknown raged in me louder than a lion. It created a furore within me while it walked around with its typical majesty. She held my hand like she would hold her child’s  hand before a lion’s cate while in a zoo. I don’t think I can ever find any words to describe all she stands for me. She said a lot to me while I held her hand, but she condensed them in a few words. How special I felt in one short minute, having her by my side!

Her presence made the patrolling of the lion less distressing. I can now see a way out. I only have to take a woodman’s axe in my hand, and clear my own way through the forest before me by cutting down each tree till I came to my destination. It is going to be a long time before I touch the finishing-line, I know, because there is a comprehensive jungle of  trees before me, and each tree demands individual attention. On second thoughts, if I chop down all these trees, I shall only liberate the lion of all riddles before itself; it is waiting to dig its fangs into me. I wish there was a way to run away from this picture of life, but  I simply can’t. For once, there isn’t the proverbial way despite there being a wish.

All said and done, If I managed to squeeze all my past, present and future in a single day, it was quite fine in the morning; life was to begin then. Quite a bit of the day was before me at that time, quite a lot was to be discovered, and a lot more to be found. A sinister enchanter stepped into the morning of my life and drew a magic-circle round the epicentre  of my life, and cast a spell too. I’ve been doing my best to walk out of this circle, but I can’t.

The magic is going to have long-lasting effects, I wish I knew this at that time. I couldn’t have done anything concrete about it even had I known about it in advance, and I think I did have a bit of prior intimation of a grim future before me, but changing its course was never my strength. Rather, it capitalised in on my weaknesses, accentuated them, and made life all the more difficult for me. these difficult times ultimately reached a zenith, and the magic ultimately began to loosen its hold on me.

My days became fresher and finer as life goes on. A new dawn heralds itself while I feel blood surging into my feet. As life begins to move ahead and it begins to acquire  legs of its own, most of its freshness and novelty faded off into the ether quite like the pain in my legs. It will be here again, but in another form. I shall be prepared for it.