I Wish I Knew

I Wish I Knew
Yes!! I crave for company. I yearn to hold someone’s hand, I want to kiss her hand, and I want her to hold my hand a bit more tightly than I can hold her hand. I don’t want her to ever let go of my hand, while on my part, I never want  to leave her hand. I have complete confidence in her grip, it is quite strong enough, but I fear she will be snatched away from me by force by a ruthless flow of time through my being. Several entities have found an exit from my being in a similar fashion. Time has been flowing on in a  typically rough and cruel manner through me destroying almost everything it has come across. This has come to mean almost everything dear to me.

I want a change in my life. I want a change from facing a reality where almost everything dear to me has found itself I a pit, I want a change from this world, perhaps a sojourn atop all the different worlds that ever visited the Far Away Tree. I have been waiting for this change for a long time. I wonder how much longer I shall have to wait for a sun to rise in my world and make it bright and good. I have been waiting for a long time for a change to occur in my life.

Somehow, I know only she can change my world. She can bring about all sunrises in my world I have been yearning for ever since. She is the only one in the whole world who can change my life. While I have been waiting for her, there has been a longing inherent within me, a yearning to be with her for ever. I want her to be with me for as long as I live. Somehow, I know life is not going to be very easy for me even if she graces it with her presence, but I feel she can make all the crests and troughs a bit bearable by virtue of her presence. I can give away almost all I have today for an assurance that she shall be with me tomorrow, she will be with me for ever and a day. This realisation has made her all the more precious for me. All said and done, there is certainly a typical joy ingrained in all this waiting. I really don’t want this joy to leave me.

This joy won’t be a part of me when she is finally here. I certainly want to hold her hands, I want to touch her, I want to be with her for an eternity, and I want a lot of other things that simply can’t be brought out on a paper or even a computer. The list is endless, and all stationery in the world is going to exhaust itself if I only begin to inscribe all my thoughts on it. But at the same time, I realise there is a typical satisfaction ingrained in all this yearning for company. I didn’t want this, I never ever want to be downer, there is no pleasure in this, but I don’t think I would like to part with the yearning I  have for her today. It is better than what I may face tomorrow.

Tomorrow may be a lot worse than today. It may bring with itself worse problems before me, and I may not be in a position to do anything concrete to tackle these problems. Even the thought of my inability to do all I should be able to do brings me back to my present which is fraught with a typical yearning for her.

There were times when I wanted to be with her forever. I wonder if I was better in those days. All said and done, I think differently today. I don’t think I would like to hold her, to kiss her, to embrace her or do anything with her at all. No, I haven’t developed a dissonance for her now.

No, nothing has gone wrong between us. We are still the best of friends, but I guess I will be content with simply thinking of her for a longer time. I’ll dream of her every time I go to sleep, and I’ll sleep more if only to dream more of her. Her silent thoughts shall be an abstraction for me and yet they fill me and my being with an elixir with the potential to drown all holes created within me and my being by virtue of her absence. These holes need to be filled up before they can create vast legions of sorrow within me. A typical music is to emanate when water flows through these holes if I don’t fill them up soon, I know.

There was a pin-drop silence around us while I held her hand, I remember well. This was how our story began. I wonder if it is fated to end in a similar fashion. All relations begin with a loud silence---a silence symbolic of death as well as of birth. There was a huge silence between us while  I held her hand for the first time. What was important at that moment was that we should understand each other’s silence. All nouns, verbs, adverbs and adjectives were sure to create their typical mess around us at a later instance. They were going to be easier to understand. The incumbent challenge was to understand only a fraction of silence crying itself hoarse in each other’s eyes.

The silence in my eyes was trying to articulate my inability to give her all she deserved. I often wonder how  I know what she deserves.  I don’t even know what I deserve. I only know she deserves the best of everything in this world. I don’t think I can give her all of it, but I can certainly give her a lot of my love.

I feel everyone deserves a lot of love, and I may be unable to give her all the love she deserves. I can only promise to give her a lot of peace and  tranquillity, quite like what one experiences when one lends an ear to ocean waves roaring. I wonder if she is going to assign a value to all this more than to what she deserves.

I don’t know if material happiness translates into love for her. I don’t know if she equates these two entities. There is no way of knowing this.