An Evening Defined My Life

An Evening Defined My Life
She isn’t with me. She left for her home a while back, and somehow, I knew she isn’t going to be back in any form again. Her typical radiance has simply disappeared. The day has ended and with it, a day that began with a bright and radiant sun, there were a few clouds in the sky for a while, but everything bright and good about it seems to have come to an end now.

The day has ended, and with it, all hope has come to an end too. I can no longer hope of there being a bright and sunny day. Being hopeless is akin to being a non-believer, I know, but it is a long, dark and cold night ahead. Longer, darker and colder nights wait for me once this one is over, I know. There was an effulgent lamp in the horizon last night, but without her, it is dead and gone.

It was quite different while she was with me. I wanted to live every moment of my life to its last bit. With her gone, I don’t even want to breathe the next few breaths. A typical sense of well-being pervaded my being while she was here yesterday. It purged me of all I was guilty of. Now that she has left, the sensation has disappeared completely.  Its absence has made me realise I have been guilty of a lot of sins. She stood like a goddess incarnated in her pristine form before me yesterday. She was a goddess pointing out all sins I’ve been guilty of. I began to shiver and tremble as I realised their count was more than I had ever imagined.

Some sins came to the fore at that moment, while most of them remained dormant like a sleeping lion, but the most horrible one was that I didn’t know anything  about her before yesterday; her existence had been a mystery for me; the mystery begged to be solved. It pounced upon me like a tiger out to get a deer for a meal. As the tiger’s claws dug into my flesh, I realised I was being punished by being denied her company.

 It was a punishment bigger than that meted out to Adam. Her absence spelt out a lot of fresh  queries before me. All said and done, she has left, and she will never be back, I know. I suddenly realised I was in love with her: I want to be with her, I want to hold her hand, I want to kiss her hand, I want to spend all my time with her. Yes, I love her.

I wonder if I can ever be forgiven for the sin of not knowing her till we became acquainted. Well, time begins its countdown from that very moment. My world was created at that very moment. The point of time has been preserved in my memory as the most beautiful  and precious moment of my life. The aeon of time has changed its shape and form ever since, but it maintains its beauty.

She isn’t prepared to forgive me for my sin, and as she has moved away from me. It feels quite that a divine power is cross with me, and there is no way I can tone down its discontentment. It is only going to increase manifold. It was then that I realised the gravity of my sin.  Apparently, my sin is bigger than the sin of Adam, which has been behind all sins committed by everyone ever since. I wish Adam had not eaten the forbidden   fruit; everything would have been different had he not committed the original sin.

I wonder if she realises she too has been as guilty of a sin. She shouldn’t have walked away in the unceremonious manner she did. She shouldn’t have taken away all those scraps of hope and happiness when she left. It was a crop waiting to be harvested; she shouldn’t have cultivated all these hopes in my heart in the first place if she couldn’t provide a sickle to reap them. She shouldn’t have poisoned my eyes with dreams as sweet as honey. I wonder what punishment the best judge in the world can give her for all these sins. No punishment can ever atone for what she is guilty of.

I stood as pure and innocent as a new-born-baby before her today. Now that she has gone, I realise I haven’t been guilty of any sin. My heart has been a blank piece of paper where a lot of words were going to be written down in a lot of different languages, each word was going to spill into many sentences. Had she not committed the sin she did, all these words were going to fall together like the different and yet congruent pieces of a jigsaw puzzle making a beautiful picture.

She has been guilty of a sin much more heinous than the one committed by Adam. It has made me suffer, and I feel sure she hasn’t been very happy with what she did. I suffer all the more today because she didn’t utter any words of remorse before me when she left. Only a few words of sympathy and compassion were to spell a happy me, but she didn’t consider the courtesy. I wonder how I fell in love with such a heartless person.

An evening draws to a close. There is a lot waiting to happen in the night.  I shall walk around the ruins of all those dreams I had seen with my eyes open. There shall be tears that refuse to come out of my closed eyes; I shall weep with these and many more tears all night. I shall open my eyes for a short while but close them the very next moment. She shall never be back. It shall be a night without end, it shall never end in a morning.

Let me prepare for many more darker, longer and colder nights to come my way.