The Joy Of Being
Together
I maintained a stoic silence as she walked away from me that
day. I expressed all my sympathies with the loud silence she left behind herself.
It was going to miss her too, I’m sure. She was not going to come back, ever
again. I wish she had an idea of the tumults she created in my heart whenever she
made her presence felt beside me. They fluttered around wildly in my being when
she looked at me. She took away quite a
few of them when she rose to leave the bench in Lohia Park
The clouds were full of emotions and feelings; they threatened
to burst unless I brought out some of my feelings. Words seemed to be the best
vehicle for expression, but the problem is my intangible feelings can never be captured
using the coarse meshes of language. It was like trying to capture the essence
of an odour using a fishing-net. Silence was the only form of expression I had.
The evening had sunk to dusk and it threatened to sink
further into night in an unexpected manner. The slow but sure transition into
darkness symbolized our relationship. We were in love. Like in all
relationships, there was a time when our relations touched the zenith, but they
had touched a nadir now. We were looking at each other when I took my eyes away
from hers suddenly as if I was caught stealing something that didn’t belong to
me. I did doubt if she still belonged to me.
The clouds created by virtue of our looking at each other
were black and ready to burst. Her eyes were accusing me of many things I had
not done. She was accusing me of not being worthy of accepting her in a nikah. I wish I could tell her about the
host of issues hounding me. My life has been pushed out of the realms of any
ordinary life because of them. I felt quite uncomfortable when she looked at me
or even both of us looked at each other. I was rather glad she had gone.
With her gone, I felt the possibility of a secret fusion
of the two of us that would have been capable of emitting ten times the energy
trapped in a hydrogen bomb was now gone, and it was now gone forever, I was
sure. I found myself at the heart of a penumbra of a deep sadness now that she
had left me, but I thought it best to moderate these impressions. But then, I
really wasn’t sure whether to rejoice at her having left or be concerned at its
awkwardness. Her presence had made me feel uncomfortable, and yet her absence
made me all the more unhappy.
I wanted to share my life with her. She seemed to be the
only one in the world who could ever be an audience to all the ramblings of my
heart and even my mind. There is an innate urge in all of us to share our
thoughts and feelings. This is why language came into being, and it has
developed to such great heights. I wanted to use whatever limited skills at
language I have to share all I had in my heart with her. I wanted a companion
in my life. I wanted someone who would be with me through all the crests and
troughs that life puts up before its subscribers. I wanted to enjoy life to its
fullest, and the pity is life can only be enjoyed if there is someone with whom
one can share all the joy and happiness in life.
She too had a similar feeling in her heart. She had an
innate urge to belong to someone. She wanted to care for someone, she wanted
someone to take good care of her. She wanted to love someone, she wanted to
dedicate her whole life to someone, and that someone was to be me. She wanted
to love someone to the extent of madness; she wanted to be loved by someone to
the extent of madness. She wanted the impartial and disinterested love of
someone.
She had realised the purpose of life was loving someone.
There wasn’t another aim in her life. She too had had her share of clouds in
her life, and now she wanted to experience their showers. She too had felt the
excitement of being loved, and she had experienced the joy of holding hands and
snuggling up to me once in a while. But she wanted more from life. She wanted
them to be a part of her life forever. She wanted to remain in my company
forever and a day. She didn’t want us to part ways once we were in company. She
didn’t want to go away that day either.
This had been the worst part of the day for both of us
for the past many months. We did find eternal bliss and happiness in each
other’s company while we were together on the bench in the park, but we also
experienced remorse and sadness of parting when we had to part ways later in
the day. It was quite disgusting, but there wasn’t a way out. This was the time
of the day that repeated itself everyday. This was when our hearts throbbed
with a tragic intensity. We had to be assured of the other’s presence beside
each other for our heart-beats to be reduced to normal.
We yearned to maintain a normal heart-beat everyday, although
it ran away with the wind everyday when we went the different ways indicated in
our destinies. We pined for each other’s company while we were away from each
other. There was an immense sense of dissatisfaction within both of us. Both of
us felt like we had missed the last ride on the Metro that day. Of course,
there were other modes of transport available in the city, but they had their
own drawbacks. Nothing could ever be compared to a ride on a Metro. The safety
and security provided by even the last trip on the Metro was unmatched. We
might be robbed on board a public bus or a ride on an auto may even be ambushed
by a couple of thugs. There was a typical sense of security associated with a
Metro ride. We needed to be close to each other to experience the sense of
security; we wanted it to be a part of our lives forever and a day.
We needed to be
in each other’s company for the feeling of satisfaction and security one
experiences in a masjid. The
experience is like being washed in a bottle of distilled water every single
moment we were together. All our sins were washed away with the purity and
chastity of love. We emerged from the experience like we were born the very
moment. We wanted to preserve the novelty of being born everyday instead of
letting it whither off with time as does the sweet fragrance of an agarbatti. This was when we went our own ways to our
homes. There was nothing exciting about
going home after the beautiful experience we discovered in each others company
everyday, but it only added to the excitement we felt the next day when we were
together again.
This time, the
excitement was never to be felt again. She had left me forever and a day. We
were never to meet again. She was to embark on a journey the next day, and the
journey may bring her face-to-face before many new adventures that may not have
been a part of her life had the journey been completed with me. I shall
also experience some different
adventures with someone else.
I wonder if
this was the positive side of a plea I had made before Allah. There are three
things that are to happen when one a plea before Allah isn’t accepted : you get
an equal and equivalent amount of sabaab
in the world hereafter, or one of your sins is pardoned, or an untoward event
headed for you will miss you. Is the someone else fated for me going to be
better than the one I know? I did pray vehemently for her as a life-partner,
but the dua has not been accepted.
Should I be happy that one of my sins has been pardoned? I do wonder what
untoward event was fated for me before my plea was nullified. Am I better off
without her being a part of me?
Allah knows the
best.
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