A Resolution Made Before The Ship Sunk

A Resolution Made Before The Ship Sunk
I made a firm resolution not to think of her from that day. Practically, I didn’t have a choice; it was going to be quite bad for me if I continue to hold on to the strings of life as I did till now. I tied a tight knot in my mind to remind myself of my resolution. She lost her celibate status that day, and had to move on in life like a ship leaves some of its passengers stranded on an island it had halted on for a little while; the ship itself moves on.

The problem is that I simply couldn’t stop thinking of her throughout the day. Over the past few months, she had graduated from being a mere acquaintance to someone special.  She dominated my thoughts throughout the day, and probably roamed around in my dreams too. I had to bring an end to all this. I had to find some sort of fallacy in her which was going to propel an amount of dissonance within me for her. There didn’t seem to be an option before me if I had to stop thinking of her.

It was going to be morally wrong even to think of her from now on, I know. I was going to lose all rights I held over her till now; I don’t think I ever held any rights over her, but at the very least, I held a right to think of her. I still harbour her thoughts most probably because they give me some amount of relief from the anarchy of the world. There was is a lot of angst collected within me thanks to the tons of experiences I have had over the many decades of my existence. Somehow, I know she is the only one who can push it out of me and replace it with the typical love and care she had in her heart for me.

I didn’t know her feelings for me were to be claimed by someone else. He was to get all her love and care, while I am not supposed to get anything in the bargain. The barter of emotions is to take place in a little while. I sometimes wonder if she deserved to be a part of me. I firmly believe fate pushes you in the company of a partner you deserve. You get a partner because you deserve to get him or her. The alliance is predestined. This way, she was not destined for me, or in other words, she didn’t deserve to be with me. I deserve to be with someone better than her.

There had been a lot of special moments of companionship between the two of us; I can’t help thinking of her whenever I have to think of something bright and pleasant. The deviant manner in which my life has been flowing has brought so many dull and dry moments in my life that I have had to resort to her thoughts as at least a momentary escape from them several times in the past. She had always been besides me through thick and thin. Merely thinking of her makes me feel good and happy, particularly when I find myself down in the dumps. Her thoughts are an escape from the incongruity of the reality with what I perceive as the ideal.

An ideal life I dream of is one without any of the stress and tension I experience in my day-to-day life. But there is so much of stress and tension in ordinary life that I feel cowed down by it. I simply can’t bear any of it any longer without someone’s help. She was the ideal one I had in my mind who was going to help me live  a better life. she has moved on in life, and I too have to move on.

She was the cargo-ship which carried a lot of cargo in it. Incidentally, some of it belonged to me so I too was  affected when the ship went sinking down the ocean along with its cargo. The cargo was such that it could be put to good use only while the ship floated on the surface of the ocean. The cargo-ship has a lot of my emotions in its hull. They are to sink with the ship, and there is very little I can do about it. The ship is to sink in a few days, creating a whirlpool in the ocean around it. I am going to be the first person to be sucked into the ocean, and he will be the next one to be sucked down. She will follow us, and eventually, all three of us will find ourselves at the bottom of the ocean.

The only way out was if all of us stopped thinking of each other. He was to have her before him throughout the day and night too, he won’t be interacting with me in any manner, so he won’t get to know anything about me. She is to have him in the same capacity of her husband, so it won’t be possible for her to forget him. I shall not be in her conscious mind, and I shall soon slip into a memory she is going to laugh at. I shall have to do my best to get rid of the typical balm I have used for all maladies, and which I think can’t be replaced. I’ll have to look for an alternative.

I hope I find one soon.