Running A Marathon

Running A Marathon
I wonder if she also thinks of me as much as I think of her. What exactly does she think of when my thoughts cross her mind? There is no way of getting to know the exact answer, but I’m sure she doesn’t has a comprehensive idea of me,  she only has a faint idea of what she is in for. I don’t know if I have a right to even think of her; I think of her all the same, although there is very little I have to think of.

I don’t know if she deserves to be thought of in the manner I do. Practically, I’ve idealised her as someone better than me. She has to be someone better than me, she is to be my better half. I do wonder why she remains such a mystery for me. The mystery is to be solved in a couple of days now, but it has been such a deep and dark mystery for me. I don’t know what images of an ideal world run through her eyes when she closes them. I wish I had a vague idea of the perfect world she visulises, not that I can do anything to make her visions come true, but to get an idea of her.

I shall have to be instrumental in making all her dreams come true. I wonder how much potential I hold towards this effect. I wonder if my inability to make all her dreams come true was what had pushed her into the deep and dark wells of ignominy she had been living in. I wonder in what manner I have changed from what I was a couple of years ago that propel within me values of being her ideal companion. I don’t think I’ve changed a wee bit, and yet fate has pushed me towards the end I’m headed for.

Is this really the end? This shall be the end of an important phase of my life. I shall get a chance to move on in life. I feel bad when I think of what happens in the normal course of events and the way I’ve diverged from the crowd. Mine isn’t a normal case, but my case hasn’t been treated like a special one either. I wish I could ask someone why my case was distorted in such a manner that it deserved special attention, and yet it didn’t deserve a special treatment because there is apparently nothing wrong with me.

This is a blessing in disguise for me. I don’t appear to be different from any of my peers in any way. I was trained to behave in a way that I don’t appear to be different from anyone else. Those who are blind are trained to conduct themselves in such a  manner that no one can say anything is wrong with them if a mere wayfarer passing by looks at them. I now realise the importance of all the tough training that was imparted to me after the day that changed my life. It was to make me a part of the mainstream without making me feel deficient in any manner. This is what rehabilitation is all about. My rehabilitation after the head injury has been so successful that there is no way anyone can say anything is wrong with me.

This is probably why I shall find someone for a companion as does everyone does in the normal case. There has been an inordinate delay in reaching the end of the search. This has highlighted the difference of my case from that of everyone else. The delay in reaching the end has propelled feelings of a typical angst and discontentment within me. Like everyone else, I too want to be at the end of the marathon-race. It has not been a marathon run for everyone, I know, so everyone doesn’t appreciate of the end they are at. The end of their marathon has been extended to a distance farther off, and so will the end of my marathon once I   reach the end of the race I am a part of.

It has been a cake walk for everyone else, I feel. It has been made tough only for me. I feel it has been made tougher for me because this way it is going to ennoble me in my own way. A reward gained after a long and hard struggle is appreciated in a much better way than another reward of a similar or even of the same proportion obtained without having to make so much efforts. This may be what fate has in its mind.

I should be happy and content with the thoughts that I shall get to enjoy something no one else shall ever dream of enjoying. A lot of points have been deducted from the final score of my life by virtue of being so late in reaching the finishing-line, but it hasn’t been my doing. I console myself with the thoughts that my being late is because it was a part of my destiny. I had a faint idea of all that has happened, and yet I couldn’t have done anything positive about it. We are helpless against the tirade of fate. This is the only consolation I have.

Fate wanted me to meet her at this point of time, I’m supposed to take the first step when everyone else is already on the way to what seems to be the goal. Thinking of her is the first step for me, dreaming of her is the next step, talking to her is the next, and the marathon is to go on.