Great Expectations From Someone

Great Expectations From Someone
Her thoughts are like a reward He has blessed me with. I don’t have an idea of her identity, not even a photo, I can only think of her as an abstract entity. Although I know she has many defects without knowing anything about her, I have no option but to idealise her as the perfect woman I have been looking for all these years who can bring down at least some of the dissonance collected in me over several decades of my existence as a celibate.

Celibacy, for me, is like a rubber-band that has been stretched a bit too long. The band is on the verge of breaking down, and there will soon be two different pieces unless and until some concrete steps are taken in this direction. The tension on the rubber-band is easily manageable, but only if appropriate steps are taken before the band reaches a point where it breaks down.

The two ends of the rubber-band are to be placed in her hands now. I hope she knows how to handle the band appropriately, and she does her job of handling the band well enough once she is active on her job.  An abstract concept of her hands handling the oars of my life for a long time has pushed in a lot of expectations into me although I know it is wrong to harbour any hopes from her. I shall have to accept her in the form she presents herself in.

The same can be said to be true for her too. She will have to accept me in whatever form I present myself in. I don’t think I fit into the ideal form of any young lady to be married. I’m aware of the tons of deficiencies Allah has put into me that make me different from my peers and contemporaries, although I am thankful for the alleged comprehensive being I am.

There is no visible deficit in me, and this is why I’m looking for a partner who is not incomplete. The best I can hope for is that she doesn’t have any congenital disorders. I don’t want Zeenat to inherit any form of disorder. I want her to be a complete and comprehensive baby who is to go through all that normal children do while they are growing up. I want her to have normal aspirations and dreams.

I dared to dream an abnormal dream, and I had an abnormal aspiration within me. I repent this fact. The abnormal dream pushed me towards an abnormal goal before me, and while the goal remains lost in mist and fog a long time after the sunrise, the tracks I have been walking on are also not very clear. I wish I too had had a goal that people dream of reaching in the normal course of events. I might have reached the goal by now, but as it is, I still am wandering in search of a definite goal and even the tracks leading to it are not very clear.

The truth is very little has been normal in my case. It is going to be wrong to put all the blame on an incident that changed the course of my life. I wonder if I should blame it or should I thank it for the diversion I have had to take. My path has certainly been a lot different from that followed by anyone else. I wish I could go back in time and undo all the mistakes I made that made me walk on a different track.

On second thoughts, I wonder if it is going to be morally correct if I even think of undoing my life. Whatever has happened with me has been a part of my fate, something that was decided in advance a long time even before the cosmos was created. It is certainly not possible for me to rectify all that went wrong. I can’t do anything about it. This is something that had to happen, and did happen because it was destined to happen. No one could have ever done anything about it.

Practically, nothing has gone wrong. Everything is happening as per a master-plan sketched out a long time before even the concept of the world existed. The dissonance that has brewed up in me over the years should have been a part of me a long time back had events unfurled for me in the normal course. But the master-plan had a particular time allotted for the dissonance to rise within me, and the feeling has come up within me at the appointed time. I wish the feeling had arisen within me at an earlier instance and made me act accordingly, but I couldn’t have done anything to tone down the feeling at an earlier instance. This is probably why the dissonance was kept away from me till the present moment.

There is very little I can  do even now to help myself out of the predicament I find myself in at present, but the lady I think of should be a great help at this end. This is where I  am also going to help her out too. At the end of the day, we are going to help each other out in many ways. I hope this is not a very high expectation from someone.