Some Questions For Time To Answer

Some Questions For Time To Answer
There was a perpetual bubbling and gurgling of water through water-pipes that ran through the house. I heard them while I was still asleep, and the sounds must have formed an inherent part of the dreams that took a form in my mind at that time. I was dreaming of the time when I was going to declare an end to the love-story initiated a few months back. I visualised a dark aura with black clouds along with thunder and lightning symbolised by the gurgling sound of water.

It was going to be a hard time for her. I wasn’t sure how I was going to break it to her, but I had to do it. We had been together for quite some time, and it was time to part ways. None of us had ever visualised the parting; relationships are initiated with the understanding that they are to go on forever and a day. It is only in rare cases that one of the partners breaks away. The rare case was to be a part of our relationship, and I was at my wits’ end as to how to deal with it. I had to initiate the separation, and she had to bear the consequences.

There was always a chance of severing the relationship like one cuts a water-melon, mercilessly and yet delicately. Some water from the water-melon was bound to spill on the table, but at the end of the day, both parts were going to be enjoyed by someone. The caesarean section had to be done in one go without intimating either of us, and this was going to be the case even if we didn’t do anything concrete about breaking our relationship.

I am to be married to someone chosen by my parents in a couple of days. Everything had been finalised without my knowledge. I don’t think I can grudge about the notification being given to me at a late instance. Even if I had been intimated of the proceedings at an earlier instance, I don’t think I would have been in a position to do anything concrete about it. I lack the flare alive in those who rebel against norms and conventions. I am a weakling.

I’ve known several people who have rebelled against the established norm, and I also know life hasn’t been easy for them. Life hasn’t been easy for me either, and I don’t expect it to get a bit easier once I cross the red-line. I know it won’t be any easier even if I don’t cross the  red-line, and drift with the dominant current in my life. It is only that I don’t want to complicate my life more than what it already is.

I’m not sure of the exact nature and form of intricacies life is to present itself in from now on, but it isn’t going to be anything easy whether I opted to go with the norms or whether I rebelled against the norms. A rebellion is sure to complicate matters. The utopian nature of the paradise I’m headed for is magnified by the very tough nature of the walk to it, but it is going to be is to fade into the background of life once life presents itself in its true colours before me. I have a vague idea of this.

I sometimes wonder why the paradise is presented in a utopian format before me, while for everyone else, it has been like everything else in normal life. I seem to be walking on a road that doesn’t have an end. I badly wish life were normal with me, I wish there is a definite end to the problems in my life. There is an end to the road in view, my problems may find themselves buried deep in the ground once I reach the end, but the truth is what appears to be the end is only a bend in the road.

This is not going to be the end of my struggles, I know, my struggles are only going to assume another shape and format. The changed format is going to be quite welcome because practically, I have become sick of the format of struggles I’ve to go through now.

My present struggles are not a preliminary exercise to the struggles that are to come my way, I know. I can never ever prepare for the struggles that are to come my way in any manner. There is no school or institution for a formal training in the skills required to win      the battle that is to be a part of my life in a few days. I can only do my best to win all battles of life whenever they present themselves and in whatever form they present themselves in.

I can only march on in quest of a destination I don’t know of. I only have a vague idea of Zeenat in my heart as the flame that has been burning in my heart for a long time. Several strong winds threaten to douse the flame, but it remains as flamboyant and vibrant as it was when it was lit. It has made a serious inroad in my heart, while it has occupied quite a bit of the space available. There is very little space left for anyone else now.

These thoughts ran through my mind while I heard the gurgling of water through water-pipes in the house. The gurgling sound cannot prepare me for the boom and bang that are to be heard over the next few years just as my incumbent struggles can never prepare me for the struggles that I shall have to face from now on. I do wonder if Zeenat is going to be a part of the struggles that are to come my way, will I have to struggle as much to get to her too, or is she remain a fictive element I created in my mind to serve as a solace from the misery of the world?

I do wonder if Zeenat is going to add to the complications that are already a part of  my life or is she going to alleviate a few of them? Is my life headed for a better end if I have Zeenat for an aim and target or should it remain the rudderless and directionless boat it has always been?

Time will tell.