I Hope The Blaze Simmers Down

I Hope The Blaze Simmers Down
Her silence said it all. It was a rhetorical question which she answered with a silence. She didn’t have a choice but to say ‘yes’, although she wanted to say ‘no’. She didn’t like me at all. I wasn’t the one she had been dreaming of all these years, and I didn’t fit into any of the ideals she had created in her mind. I was older to her in years, but she didn’t have an option. The choice had already been made by her parents. She didn’t like my looks either, but the important point is that she didn’t have a choice, very few of us have. Life always seems to serve a sour-tasting cough syrup to us when we want to taste something sweet.

She wasn’t prepared to welcome  a ton of problems I was going to bring into her life with myself when  I joined her in her arduous journey through the world. I was merely going to pile on the share of problems she already had. She wanted to meet someone who could help her solve all problems in her life, not complicate her life further. She was going to find it quite tough if she chose to undertake the journey alone, while I knew of  the impossibility of reaching a destination if I chose to move on on my own. So, we were forced to be together whether we liked it or not. She didn’t want me to accompany her in her journey. She had her own preferences of a life-partner, and apparently, I didn’t fit into the package she wanted.

She didn’t get the package she wanted. Very few of us are lucky to get the package we are looking for in a life-partner. I too had my own ideals, but I had to compromise on several of them. I too didn’t get all I was looking for in the ideal one. No one ever gets a perfect companion, particularly in situations where the alliance is not an equal one, and our alliance was certainly not an equal one. She was all that I wanted; while I was certainly not anything she was looking for.

She wanted a bit of spark in her life, and I wasn’t in a position to bring that spark for her. There had to be something that could usher in an era of happiness in our lives, and it was something I had to find soon. Both of us had suffered a lot in our celibacy, but this is not a commonality that brings two people together. We had suffered in our own typical ways, and we looked for relief in a typical manner. Eventually, I decided to give in and look for her happiness in everything she did while she was awake and active.

I was prepared to spread out a red carpet before her if it made her happy, but she wasn’t impressed by any of my efforts to make her feel important. Apparently, she wanted something more than that, and I had to find what it was. It was going to be something quite tough, but I was bent on doing anything to make her happy. I had realised that a route to my happiness lay through her smiles and her scowl was going to spell disaster for me. I wish the converse were also true, but it was a different case I was standing before.

It was going to be the toughest job for me ever since I got into my senses. I had to evaluate carefully all the reasons that made her smile and note down all those that made her frown. This was to be quite like accompanying someone to a movie and noting the shots that made the other person smile and even those shots that put a frown on the other person. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to do it if I want to be happy.

The situation is certainly different from that of an argument between a married couple or even between a couple of friends.  This wasn’t an argument. The latter is always open to discussion and there is always an amicable solution to such issues. However, there is no solution to the predicament we face. We are a mismatch for each other. It is quite difficult to lay the blame on either of us. when a relationship goes wrong, the fault lies on both sides, I know. Both of us are equally responsible for the mess we find ourselves in.

On my part, I should have made a few conscious efforts to gauge the exact depth of her heart before she stepped into my life and even after she did it, while she should have been a bit more revealing about her nature. Well, you can never say anything about someone’s nature only by looking at him or her or even after talking to the person for some time.

I accepted it as a part of my fate, and this is to give me strength and courage to bear through whatever tides time is going to throw up before me. Even the worst blaze is known to simmer down to comfortable levels over a period of time, and I hope this holds true for our relationship too.

There is very little I can do but hope for the best.