Tirades Of My Past

Tirades Of My Past
I badly wish there was a way to forget a few parts of my life that return to haunt me from time to time. They are some parts I don’t seem to be prepared to forget in a hurry, but at the same time, keeping them fresh and sharp in my memory is gong to prove detrimental to my well-being. I really want to move on to greener pastures and enjoy all fruits of greenery, but at the same time, I don’t seem to want to leave any of my anchors and moorings in the past. They appear so good to me; they are like my best-friends; they have been with me through thick and thin for a long time: I don’t want to leave them.

This is a typical situation where I’m being egged on a track that leads to happiness and satisfaction, but there are certain elements in my past that continue to maintain a tough grip on me; they don’t let me move on. I find it quite hard to say good-bye to the dirges I used to sing till yesterday; there are many merry tunes ringing sonorous bells in my future, but they don’t appear as pleasing to the ear as the dirges I used to sing in my past. I’m well acquainted with the dirges; they have been on my lips for a long time. Happy and merry tunes of my future may be better than them, but I don’t want to leave the tunes I know so well.

I haven’t developed an acquaintance with the tunes of my future good enough to make ms severe all bonds with my past. The dirges of yesteryears appear to be best because I know everything about them. All these tunes and melodies have been in my ears and on my lips for quite some time. There are all chances that what appear to be merry and happy tunes of my future may actually turn out to be worse than the dirges I sung in my past.

My future may hold many tunes better than what I gave an ear to till yesterday, but my affinity with my past is so terrific that there is no way the bond between me and my past can be severed. The bond is going to be quite detrimental to my well-being, but there is no way I can break it. I don’t want to remain glued to all idiosyncrasies of my past; it has some really unpleasant moments the very thoughts of which make me shiver, but life hasn’t given me a lot of options to choose from.

I badly wish there was a way to get over these parts of my life. I wish I there was a way to forget about them.  I wish it were like taking a pill that makes me forget everything in my past, and refreshes me like a good night’s sleep does. The dirges I sang in the past often return to haunt me like a ghost who is believed to return to the living world to complete some incomplete tasks.

There is nothing that can ever be completed by spasms of anger and    frustration I have whenever thoughts of certain parts of my life return to haunt me. They only serve to destroy whatever chances I have of making my present good and noble. These are the days that shall sink into my future one day, and in a way, any frustration I have about my inability to do anything concrete is going to dominate the scene for a long time to come. It is going to be a part of my future too.

I wish there was a way to prevent this from happening. I certainly don’t want my future to be dominated by the fits of frustration, angst and anger that are the order of the day today. I wish there was a way to bury my past in such a way it never ever surfaces in any form. The very fact that my past keeps popping out of my history like jack-in-the-box in all different avatars is quite irritating.

Nothing can be done about this till the time I wade into a future better than my past. I have been reluctant to wade into my future because I feel there can be nothing better than my past. Nothing can have the same shine and sheen as the days that have gone by and left an impeccable mark on my life. More than this, I fear the future may be worse than the past I have been through.

At the same time, time has to move on and write its own story, whether I like it or not. The future is to be embraced in all its various different forms. I do wonder why the world glorifies the past and advocates holding on to it although it itself keeps moving on at a regular pace. I can’t seem to understand why I wasn’t given formal instructions in the necessity of moving on to a future that may hold better prospects than what was in my past and even in my future. I strongly feel it has  been my fault; I failed to interpret the message ingrained in all the messages life was giving me. It wanted me to move on, but I thought its words were advocating my past.

All said and done, there is no particular time set out for those who want to change their future. Anyone can begin anytime, and there is no time better than the present. I must change my present for this is all that is in my powers. The problem has been that my present is a part of what my past was. My past has moulded my present, and unless I incorporate some changes in my past, I don’t think I can ever change my present. I can never change my past, so I don’t think I have powers to change my present and even my future.

I stand helpless before the tirades of time and fate.