A Reason To Live

A Reason To Live
I looked forward to meeting her that day. there wasn’t anything special about the way that sun had risen from the horizon that day, but I wanted to do my best to make it set the in a special way. She was to come to meet me in the park that day like she did every day. We had been meeting every single day for the past two  years, and we did very little more than hold hands.

A part of our bodies came in contact with each other’s and a lot of our selves flowed into each other while we held hands. There was a typical  catharsis effected; it was like she took away all the negative emotions attached to me that life churned into my being over the day every day. I am virtually so dismayed by my inability to cope with the world and all the problems each new day brings with itself every day that I wish there was a way to opt out of the race I had to join a long time back. The race is virtually an endless one, there is no way I can possibly out of it even if I want to,  it is a relay-race where the baton is to be passed on to future generations.

I began to wonder if our daily meetings were to give way to our confluence that was to bring another generation before us. bringing up another generation is what life is meant for. This is the aim of life. This is what we exist for. for a moment, I began to doubt if I would like to transfer my genetic coding full of suffering to another generation. I don’t think I would like to create another self who is going to suffer in a similar manner. Everyone has to suffer in one way or the other being a part of the world, but I certainly wouldn’t like anyone to suffer the way I have suffered. Somehow, I feel my progeny would also suffer the way I have       suffered.

I certainly wouldn’t like the mistakes I made in my childhood repeated in another format. I really don’t know what became of my youth and adolescence, they came and went like a gust of wind that is forgotten in a while, but I strongly feel I wasted my youth. I want to live my youth once again, in another form. A lot could have happened and a lot wouldn’t have happened had I spent my youth the way it is meant to be spent. However, the very idea of the helplessness ingrained in me to do anything concrete about this due to a play of time makes me think another way.

I don’t think I would like to live my life once again. I don’t think I would like to repeat all the mistakes I made. Somehow, I feel there cannot be a life without any mistakes, quite like the ones I made.  A second life granted to me is bound to repeat all the  mistakes I made, and this is something I would never allow to happen. I made some really big mistakes in interpreting the messages life gives to its subscribers. Everyone makes some mistakes in his or her life, albeit of a different kind. The only difference is that the mistakes others make don’t manifest themselves in a visible form; the mistakes I made have made themselves visible to me and even to the whole world around me in an ugly format.

The only way out of the predicament is to change the visible format. I badly wish there was a way I could possibly change the dimensions of the world around me because this is the only way I can perceive happiness approaching me. I want to change the way happiness approaches me in the portrait of life painted by my destiny on the fabric of my life. I know I can do very little or almost nothing to this end. I can only stand as a mute spectator before all the inscriptions. At the most, I can and I certainly will do my best to push happiness through myself. This is to go against the plans of my destiny, which I feel doesn’t want me to be happy in any manner.

There is no way one can violate the commands of destiny, I know, but I console myself with the belief that I can certainly do my best to counter my destiny. It is going to bring about a typical satisfaction even if it doesn’t bring about positive results . There I no way I can ever counter the dictates of my genes that want me to suffer, but I can always do my best to counter the symptoms of the malady; this is quite like treating a case of AIDS: individual symptoms are treated since the disease can never be routed in totality. I’m sure I’ll do my best to counter all invasions of fate on my efforts towards progress; this is the least I can do, and this is the most I can do.

The declining light of the day that has found its way into my being has taken a deep root in my being in the form of feelings of pessimism and depression. Somehow, I feel she has all the powers to do away with all the pessimism and negative feelings that have taken a deep hold on me. these feelings have created quite a gloomy atmosphere in my being; they threaten to damage my physical self too. She is the only hope of relief I have, she is the only one I have in the world who is going to give me a reason to live.

I hope the reason is valid and credible.